Would you date someone with a disabled child?

nlj1520

I have a son with autism, learning difficulties and behaviour that challenges (and how!!!), but I have been in a relationship for over 4 years. Met internet dating.
Admitedly I didn't start dating until my son was at a residential school, but I was still the first port of call when there was a problem, so had to drop and run if he needed me. When 'meeting' people online I always told them very early on, to see their reaction and give them the chance to bail if they felt they couldn't cope. No-one stopped contact because of my son.
I have a dear friend with a son similar to mine and she has now married the man she met when her son was about 15. Her husband welcomes her son, loves him as though he was his own. My partner is a geat help with practical things for my son, but sees his role as looking after me, rather than my son. He has been a great source of ideas as he's not emotionally tied up with my son and is happy to challenge the ways we do things with my son to see if things could be better.
One of my partner's daughters revealed some major substance abuse problems after we met and I have supported him and (I hope) her through the rehab process.
There are some lovely people out there and anyone worth anything would not write off a parent of a disabled child as a date! And those who would be put off are not worth knowing anyway.
Good luck.

fluffnutter

If I loved you, I'd love your kids.

fluffnutter

I'm a bit depressed by many of the answers, tbh, although appreciative of people's honesty. How does it work then? You meet someone, you get on well, you feel that spark. They tell you their child has disabilities. 'Sorry, love, not interested. Your kid's disabled. Sounds like a whole load of hard work. Bye'. Or perhaps you put on your online dating profile - 'Those with disabled kids need not apply'? I find that really sad, actually.

Life's not perfect and people aren't either. I don't doubt that bringing up a disabled child is incredibly limiting and hard work, but who said life was easy.

Dunroamin

tayforth wrote: »

I would.

It wouldn't put me off if I loved someone.

I don't think I would put myself in the position where I could fall in love with someone in this situation, anymore than I would with someone who was in a relationship. Sorry.

Dunroamin

fluffnutter wrote: »

If I loved you, I'd love your kids.

You'd try but you can't guarantee this.

fluffnutter

Dunroamin wrote: »

You'd try but you can't guarantee this.

True! I'd try to love your kids, even the disabled ones

beedeedee

Never having had to deal with a disabled child myself - I don't know is the honest answer. I think I'd be wary until I knew what was involved long term - but if I felt I could cope and I liked the person, I'd probably go for it.

aliasojo

fluffnutter wrote: »

If I loved you, I'd love your kids.

This is lovely. But crap.

Reality of living with a disability soon overshadows the strong feelings of love and idealism you hold at the start. I honestly hand on heart believe that if you asked my OH now, would he still have got involved all those years ago, I think his answer would be no.

I tried to put him off in the early days and just keep things casual, but he insisted he was fine and could cope. I think a lot of people would be of the same view early in a relationship, they love the person they are with and think everything else is lesser. It's not. It's not about feelings, it's about having to deal with all the baggage, the everyday issues that seem small but soon escalate over time into a whole mountain of stuff you just need to deal with. It does tend to overshadow or erode the nice bits after a while. It's difficult to love a stranger who is a constant source of 'difficulty' even if the will to do so is there.

OP I don't think you'll end up always on your own, there are people out there who do take on the problems and issues that come with a disability.

What I would say (and this is in general terms so please everyone don't post saying I know someone blah blah blah....) is that I think you have a different type of relationship with someone who comes in a bit further down the line. It's not the same more carefree kinda thing you'd have with someone new if disability wasn't involved, it's always going to be more practical than that. Even with the best will in the world, it's going to be difficult. But do-able so don't write it off as a no-no.

gonzo127

personally i would have no problem dating someone with a disabled child, and that is even having seen how difficult bringing up a downs child is from my aunt

fluffnutter

aliasojo wrote: »

This is lovely. But crap.

Reality of living with a disability soon overshadows the strong feelings of love and idealism you hold at the start.

I don't have feelings of 'idealism'. I've spent years living in community with adults with learning difficulties so don't think that I'm some naive person who doesn't understand the challenges facing disabled people and those who care for them.

I just don't pigeonhole people and decide, point blank, that a person with disabilities is too much hard work for me to not want a relationship with their parent. They're a person, they happen to be disabled. So what? Life's hard work.

You judge people by your own standards. Just because your OH might have chosen not to become involved, doesn't mean that's the case for me.