Would you date someone with a disabled child?

lostinrates

fluffnutter wrote: »

I'm a bit depressed by many of the answers, tbh, although appreciative of people's honesty. How does it work then? You meet someone, you get on well, you feel that spark. They tell you their child has disabilities. 'Sorry, love, not interested. Your kid's disabled. Sounds like a whole load of hard work. Bye'. Or perhaps you put on your online dating profile - 'Those with disabled kids need not apply'? I find that really sad, actually.

Life's not perfect and people aren't either. I don't doubt that bringing up a disabled child is incredibly limiting and hard work, but who said life was easy.

I genuinely don't know how I would react if I were single and to meet someone i felt drawn to who was the parent of a severely disabled child. I think some disabilities might phase me more than others. Not because of lack of compassion for the child or the parent, but because love sometimes doesn't conquer all and I have enough issues of my own. My issues might add to the care burden of someone already caring. I'd worry about that impact, that various needs might be contradictory and challenging. That the poor person in the middle would be frazzled, and selfishly, that my well times and passionate interests would be restricted if not curtailed by another type of all consuming responsibility. If I were in a different situation than my outlook might be too. At a different time in this life my outlook might be different also.

aliasojo

fluffnutter wrote: »

I don't have feelings of 'idealism'. I've spent years living in community with adults with learning difficulties so don't think that I'm some naive person who doesn't understand the challenges facing disabled people and those who care for them.

I just don't pigeonhole people and decide, point blank, that a person with disabilities is too much hard work for me to not want a relationship with their parent. They're a person, they happen to be disabled. So what? Life's hard work.

You judge people by your own standards. Just because your OH might have chosen not to become involved, doesn't mean that's the case for me.

I seem to have annoyed you. That wasn't my intent, sorry. My comment about it being crap was meant in a jokey way, hence the smile.

I was just trying to point out (badly it would seem) that very often the reality of a situation is what will be the deal breaker and cause relationships to fail, and that whilst it's great that people might be willing to get involved, often it's hard for them to stay involved.

And with respect, living with a child with a disability 24/7 and being largely solely responsible 24/7 isn't quite the same as living in a community with adults with learning disabilities. Although I accept you may well be more knowledgeable about this type of thing than others might.

Dunroamin

fluffnutter wrote: »

I don't have feelings of 'idealism'. I've spent years living in community with adults with learning difficulties so don't think that I'm some naive person who doesn't understand the challenges facing disabled people and those who care for them.

I just don't pigeonhole people and decide, point blank, that a person with disabilities is too much hard work for me to not want a relationship with their parent. They're a person, they happen to be disabled. So what? Life's hard work.

You judge people by your own standards. Just because your OH might have chosen not to become involved, doesn't mean that's the case for me.

It is, which is why I wouldn't want to make it any harder.

Dealing with something unexpected further down the line (the birth of your own disabled child or chronic illness in a partner) are things you'd grit your teeth and make the best of - deliberately choosing to put yourself in that position is something I wouldn't do.

andygb

fluffnutter wrote: »

I'm a bit depressed by many of the answers, tbh, although appreciative of people's honesty. How does it work then? You meet someone, you get on well, you feel that spark. They tell you their child has disabilities. 'Sorry, love, not interested. Your kid's disabled. Sounds like a whole load of hard work. Bye'. Or perhaps you put on your online dating profile - 'Those with disabled kids need not apply'? I find that really sad, actually.

Life's not perfect and people aren't either. I don't doubt that bringing up a disabled child is incredibly limiting and hard work, but who said life was easy.

It does make depressing reading, but not that surprising really, if I can give an example of something which was said to me in my house - and I am not disabled, but have a condition which will be with me for the rest of my life.
I had been diagnosed with the condition (back in 2003) and it was going to be life changing, and we had the OH's relatives around.
The SiL on learning of my condition, said in front of me - "Oh, if anything like that happened to "X" (her husband), then I would leave, I couldn't be doing with that hassle"
I was shocked, really shocked that someone could be so insulting, and have such an uncaring, selfish attitude.
So there you are, there are some very self centred people out there.

mintymoneysaver

My sister's sister-and-brother-in-law ( if that makes sense) seperated two years ago. They have a 10 year old son who is severley disabled and share his care. Both of them are in new, happy relationships with people they already knew, so who already knew their son. They do currently tend to see their partners at the time when their son is not with them, but both partners know and are very happy. They're also the best advert for divorce you've ever met, as she is going out with one of his best friends, he is going out with one of my sister's friends, and they all see each other very regularly!

stir_crazy

I haven't had much experience with severly disabled people so I obviously don't know for sure how hard it can be on people. But I think that if I ever was in that situation where I really liked someone who had a disabled child I would try to make it work.

Cloudydaze

For me, it's not about the child with disabilities, it's about the time I'd get to spend with my potential partner (alone). So if he had a good support network, other people (either family or professional) who could look after the child then maybe it could work.

I just wouldn't want to date someone who had 24/7 job.

sillygoose

As a man I can't say for certain but probably yes!, I once was involved with a woman with a healthy child and that wasn't easy at times even so, the woman had bulimia and other issues as well, but she was lovely!

The saying - there is someone out there for everyone I have never seen proved wrong.

My sister has Spina Bifida, amputations, can't manage money - constant crisis and endless other issues and she found a pretty decent husband.

A relationship with you may not be clubbing to 4am, backpacking Morocco and weekends in bed in a hotel. Honestly? a relationship with all your practical issues will seem too dull for many.

But some men want the stability & security in a way you can offer, you know where your heading to a degree, your child's situation has largely decided this, some will have been let down before and if you can offer simple loyalty, commitment, a genuine warm interest in the other person and are not a total fruitcake then to some guys it will make you far more attractive than your child's problems take away, you can still be a great 'deal'!

The basics remain - you are you, and that you needs to click with a man who could be a partner, personality, interests, attraction all the same, you just need a man with that bit extra too.

Tropez

It would be difficult for me to date anyone with children, regardless of whether they were disabled or not. This does, of course, mean that if I find myself single again in the future I am very likely to remain that way.

But what I would do isn't what others would necessarily do and I do know someone who started dating a woman with a disabled child so there are people who will.

SingleSue

Cloudydaze wrote: »

For me, it's not about the child with disabilities, it's about the time I'd get to spend with my potential partner (alone). So if he had a good support network, other people (either family or professional) who could look after the child then maybe it could work.

I just wouldn't want to date someone who had 24/7 job.

That has presented difficulties for us, we have to snatch time when the boys are at school and even then, it can be cut short as I have to go and attend to them. During school holidays it is even worse, as we have to go out as a unit with no potential time to be alone.

Night time dates are few and far between due to childcare issues but we have managed it a couple of times.

So yes, it is restrictive but we have got it into a nice little routine now...even if the boys still won't accept him coming into the house, even when they are not there!