Would you date someone with a disabled child?

**Patty**

The problem is......you're looking at the *now*.

A support network would be great whilst the person is a child. But what happens post-18? When the family can no longer give support due to their declining abilities & the LA has nothing for adults? Could you walk away then? In 10 or 15 years time?

I couldn't live with someone biding their time & seeing what happens to see if they leave me


Those of us who have severely disabled children......we (half the time) don't know what next week will be like.....never mind what will happen in 10 years time.

marleyboy

This is probably not relevant to you OP, but as a SAHD with a disabled child, there are just as many single dads with disabled children as there are Mums, I lose count over how many I bump into day to day, from SN Schools, to parental group sessions. Each wonder whether or not they will ever find MR|MRS Right but concern themselves more to their child's needs.

To those parents, its always a case of not going out looking for love opens the doors for a true love that is destined to find them.

If love doesn't come knocking, you have enough love with and from your child to keep your heart busy and satisfied.

Good Luck OP.

Dunroamin

mintymoneysaver wrote: »

My sister's sister-and-brother-in-law ( if that makes sense) seperated two years ago. They have a 10 year old son who is severley disabled and share his care. Both of them are in new, happy relationships with people they already knew, so who already knew their son. They do currently tend to see their partners at the time when their son is not with them, but both partners know and are very happy. They're also the best advert for divorce you've ever met, as she is going out with one of his best friends, he is going out with one of my sister's friends, and they all see each other very regularly!

TBF, that sounds as if they're just dating rather than partners - living together as a family unit would be very different.

marisco_2

fluffnutter wrote: »

I'm a bit depressed by many of the answers, tbh, although appreciative of people's honesty. How does it work then? You meet someone, you get on well, you feel that spark. They tell you their child has disabilities. 'Sorry, love, not interested. Your kid's disabled. Sounds like a whole load of hard work. Bye'. Or perhaps you put on your online dating profile - 'Those with disabled kids need not apply'? I find that really sad, actually.

Life's not perfect and people aren't either. I don't doubt that bringing up a disabled child is incredibly limiting and hard work, but who said life was easy.

I think people are just being honest. Many responding who are saying that they couldn't get involved with a person who has a disabled child, have knowledge and experience through their own families, of all that it entails to take on that level of responsibility. Far better for someone to acknowledge early on, that it is not a lifestyle that they could take on and give their all to, than mess a person around. I would hope very much that the majority of people would have far more tact and respect for another, than to drop someone in the manner you describe above.

That is not to say though OP that everyone would be put off, or never consider getting involved with a person who cares for someone with many care needs. No-one knows what is round the next corner or who may come into their lives. I would advise though not focussing on being in a relationship, to be the only thing that can make you feel fulfilled and happy.

catkins

I personally would be reluctant enough to get involved with anyone who had a child but if they had a disabled child it would be a definite no no for me.

Me and OH chose not to have any children as we are very happy just as a couple and didn't want a child changing that. A disabled child would need so much time and patience that I know I would not have coped. Maybe that makes me selfish but at least I am honest.

marisco_2

catkins wrote: »

Maybe that makes me selfish but at least I am honest.

I don't think you come across as selfish at all. You know what you can and cant take on in life and stick to it. You are a person who would not get involved with someone, whose lifestyle was so incompatible to one which you could comfortably fit in to. Therefore you avoid ever stringing someone along whilst you decide, or end up letting them down when you realise it would all be too much.

Pixiechic

I would have to consider the situation very carefully.

I don't have children and I'm not sure if I want children, taking on board someone else's children, disabled or not would need to be very considered for me. I love my freedom!

The situation is life changing with a severely disabled child and you wouldn't want someone to take that lightly. Its not so easy to just say 'I love you, it's all fine' because the realities are very, very different.

OP, don't right yourself off, I really feel for your situation. I hope that you get some breaks and time out for you

moromir

fluffnutter wrote:

I'm a bit depressed by many of the answers, tbh, although appreciative of people's honesty. How does it work then? You meet someone, you get on well, you feel that spark. They tell you their child has disabilities. 'Sorry, love, not interested. Your kid's disabled. Sounds like a whole load of hard work. Bye'. Or perhaps you put on your online dating profile - 'Those with disabled kids need not apply'? I find that really sad, actually.

Life's not perfect and people aren't either. I don't doubt that bringing up a disabled child is incredibly limiting and hard work, but who said life was easy.

Hmm I was reading this thread with a lot of interest but its a shame that its degenerated into some people being called "really sad" for their views.

I don't think I could willingly place myself in a position to become a lifelong carer at this point in my life, for a number of reasons.

As an only child, I recognise that at some point, it is likely I will have to provide care for one or both of my parents.

Therefore, this stage in my life is "my time". I can still, at the drop of a hat, do anything I want. Be it mundane like decide I want to have chinese for tea, or go to the cinema, to deciding I'm getting on a plane tomorrow for a long weekend in NYC. I would look for a partner who was in a position to at least be able to consider doing those things.

I also recognise that anything could happen and if something horrific happens tomorrow and my parents or partner need my help now, then I would have to suck it up and get on with it, but I'm also not minded to go into a situation that comes with those issues from the get go.

I don't think its a case of anyone assuming their life should be easy, but I do think other people should respect their life choices that allow them to have a life with less difficulties if they are in a position to choose to do so.

I do have great respect for people that can do it, absolutely. They are obviously very generous.

I do appreciate I may appear selfish in contrast but there is just so much I want to see and accomplish that I actively seek a flexible lifestyle.

Dunroamin

fluffnutter wrote: »

I'm a bit depressed by many of the answers, tbh, although appreciative of people's honesty. How does it work then? You meet someone, you get on well, you feel that spark. They tell you their child has disabilities. 'Sorry, love, not interested. Your kid's disabled. Sounds like a whole load of hard work. Bye'.

But isn't that what many of us (perhaps the most sensible of us) do at that stage in a relationship when it comes to other life changing situations?

If we want to get married, have children, live abroad, have 6 cats, isn't it best that we don't take things further with someone who doesn't (or isn't able to) want the same thing from life as we do?

valk_scot

Can I ask where your ex is going to be during all of this? I do hope he's not just scarpered off and left you to deal with your (as in both your) son 24/7? Because if he has this will be partially responsible for your low mood, I would think, as in "If my son's own father doesn't want this relationship..." etc. I hope not though, and you have some sort of shared care worked out?

As to whether I would take on a new partner with a disabled child? I'd be very, very cautious tbh, I've had a child with a difficult illness that consumed all my time and energy and resources and I wouldn't like to step into that again if I had the option not to, to be brutally honest. In the other hand I wouldn't rule it out 100%, it would depend on the person involved. Life is never straight forwards, there's always hidden bends as you no doubt are very aware.