Would you date someone with a disabled child?

cannyscot_2

I have a friend with a very disabled child who is 16 but more like 2 and does not talk/grunts/quite violent/and in nappies. She left her husband and shacked up with a lovely man 6 months later. He now provides totally for them -and very well-and they are very happy! So think good thoughts and look forward.

jordygal

Thank you for all your honest responses, I guess i'm just a bit pee'd off as my ex who is a poor excuse for a man anyway, and would like any excuse to walk away from his kids has met a new partner within weeks of us splitting. I'm left caring, practically 24/7 for our children, with him saying "i'm not legally obliged to have anything to do with the kids, loads of men don't" which I know is true, but he is able to walk away from this family leaving me with the long outstretching future of issues, I'm only 32 and it just feels like a hell of a long time to live without a cuddle at the end of the day. sorry I'm getting all maudlin, and just feeling like I should date and have the excitement of those early days of a relationship before I drop the bombshell of my life and they run a mile. Maybe I should just make the most of that bit while I'm young and enjoy it while it lasts? possibly finding a good'un on the way

LisaLou1982

Hugs to you OP - you sound like an amazing woman! Do your children require 24 care by yourself or could you leave them with a family member/baby sitter whilst you went out on an evening every once in a while?

Carl31

Can anyone really honestly answer this question, having never been in a situation where it may occur?

I dont think there is any situation we really know how we would honestly react to, unless we have experienced it first hand

I think its a little unfair to fill the thread full of comments that may not give much encouragement to the OP, especially when they may not even be true

jordygal

Carl31 wrote: »

Can anyone really honestly answer this question, having never been in a situation where it may occur?

I dont think there is any situation we really know how we would honestly react to, unless we have experienced it first hand

I think its a little unfair to fill the thread full of comments that may not give much encouragement to the OP, especially when they may not even be true

but the honesty sure helps get my perspective, so thank you all

uk_american

As an additional data point, my older cousin became the full-time guardian of his older brother, who has Down's, when their parents passed away. They had grown up together as the parents made a decision that he would not go into care, but would be raised as normally as possible, quite a feat for the 1950's.

My cousin ended up coming home in his mid-40's as his father (then the only parent in his 80's) was ill and then stayed on with his brother, who was now in his late 40's.

Along the way, my cousin found a girlfriend who later became his wife--something that eluded him in the many years prior to coming home.

Granted, Down's isn't the end of the world, my disabled cousin achieved a mental age of 5 so much better than many situations, although he could be quite a handful, and when he reached 50, he started with dementia, so his limited skills started to deteriorate.

That being said, my older cousin's personality and his infinite sense of patience and gentleness and humour was formed from being around his brother--he wouldn't have been the same person otherwise.

There is someone for everyone OP, and there is someone who will appreciate you for being the person you are to your kids, and who will accept your kids as part of the package.

Pixiechic

I'm not much younger than you and I feel for you, I admire your strength too.

Do you have any support from family, friends or carers? Do you get any time out?

I think people's honesty is good and although some have answered no to your question, some have said yes. You may well meet a lovely yes man and I really hope that you do

alias*alibi

I have dated and married a guy who had a severely autistic son. Granted the son wasn't there 24/7 but we did tend to have him most weekends when we worked all week so had no free time as such. When I met my ex his son was 8 years old and old habits die hard. My ex had resigned to the fact that his son was disabled and let him do as he pleased with no boundaries or routines in place so when i tried to put some in place (such as toileting/dressing correctly/eating a balanced diet and not just chips, ketchup and coke for the whole weekend) life became one great battle. In the end I'm sorry to say that it was the demise of our relationship as things didn't change or improve and our quality of life was poor, resulting in arguements all the time. Im ashamed to admit that resentment also kicked in. Therefore I wouldn't date somebody with a disabled child again as it was hard and I think the parent already has a set way of living with their child; so its hard for someone new coming in to that relationship to adapt.

stiltwalker

As a parent of disabled children I know just how had it can be and how rewarding. I am happily married to the kids dad so no personal experience however of my many special needs parent friends, both in RL an online, there is a whole mix of married, together but not married, single and remarried. Sadly there does seem to be an even higher than usual rate of relationship breakdown (probably due to the exta pressure) however it is heartening to report that I know a good number of people who have met wonderful partners (often a vast improvement on the previous model - lol) who have fallen in love with the whole package and have taken on the role of loving and supportive partner and step parent. It may make things a little harder- isn't that just the story of special needs parenting though? - but please do not give up all hope. Take care of yourself - X

aliasojo

Carl31 wrote: »

Can anyone really honestly answer this question, having never been in a situation where it may occur?

I dont think there is any situation we really know how we would honestly react to, unless we have experienced it first hand

I think its a little unfair to fill the thread full of comments that may not give much encouragement to the OP, especially when they may not even be true

Ah got you. This shouldn't have been a frank and honest adult discussion about our experiences or our thoughts, it should really have been just an encouragement thread. Should've said earlier. I was under the impression the OP wanted honesty, not platitudes.

OP I think you've got a fairly mixed response to your post, and that's obviously a good thing. It proves that some people will be honest enough to say 'sorry not for me' and other people will not be put off in the least. It would have been more of an issue if everyone had said the same thing, but they didn't so try to accept that and not keep thinking the worst. It's all down to who you meet.

Now you've had these thoughts, try to put them to bed, don't get hung up on worrying about it all. You will only feel frustrated if you try to look too far down the line. Enjoy your life as it is for now, you can't see what's around the corner so stop wasting time thinking about it, it's often just an exercise in negativity and that can be a total waste especially if there is a Mr Good Guy ready to appear a mile down the road.

I wish you and your son loads of luck for the future.

Btw, your ex sounds like an @ss.