Silly situation but a little upset about it.

shellsuit

top_drawer wrote: »

Possibly I've annoyed her and I do have a lack of social skills.

I didn't keep her waiting though - I suggested 1pm although she didn't reply "yeh, ok" "see you then" or whatever but I she also didn't say no, cant do or made an excuse....

Maybe chatty texts are pointless but I think I'm just being friendly/making conversation. I will keep it in mind for the future.

I kept it as light as possible in saying I'm heading home now ... no accusations/anger but then thought well if travelling is a problem then XX (where I need to stop off) may be nearer for her so I could salvage this.....

Maybe its not normal or its not your normal. Where does one learn normal? I know I am needy and have low s-e and a lack of social skils - I wonder too where one may learn these skills.

I don't know what's going on in her head and since I won't see her to have a "informal chat" I doubt I will find out. I hope it doesn't affect my progress with people at work as I have worked hard there.

That's why you need the other person to confirm your plan.

I wouldn't go and meet someone if I'd told them to meet me on X day at X time and they hadn't replied to confirm.

Person_one

You are at a disadvantage here TD, and I do feel for you because its clear that you really want to have friends but just don't have that natural way of interacting that most of us take for granted. I think you learn it very young, and it gets reinforced as you grow up, but some people just aren't as able to 'get it' and will always struggle. I have several family members in the same boat as you, but I'm afraid social skills and how to maintain friendships are not things that can be 'taught' to an adult.

When I asked if you had Asperger's earlier on, I was going to suggest that if you do, a lot of people on the spectrum find it much easier to interact with others who are too, because they are 'wired' the same way and there aren't the same subtleties to navigate. Even if you haven't been diagnosed with ASD perhaps you could look into online communities or meetup groups for people who have and see how you get on with the slightly different approach to friendship you'll find there?

top_drawer_2

I know ... I took her not disagreeing suggesting another time as agreement expecting her to come back ....

But I didn't go and meet her. I planned too though so I see your point but I felt like well she said "Definitely" on Sunday so do I just go home ?!?

It seemed perfectly possibly she would come back saying Sorry, got held up with X,Y and Z 1pm is fine. Costa's? or something similar.

shegirl

top_drawer wrote: »

Possibly I've annoyed her and I do have a lack of social skills.

I didn't keep her waiting though - I suggested 1pm although she didn't reply "yeh, ok" "see you then" or whatever but I she also didn't say no, cant do or made an excuse....

Maybe chatty texts are pointless but I think I'm just being friendly/making conversation. I will keep it in mind for the future.

I kept it as light as possible in saying I'm heading home now ... no accusations/anger but then thought well if travelling is a problem then XX (where I need to stop off) may be nearer for her so I could salvage this.....

Maybe its not normal or its not your normal. Where does one learn normal? I know I am needy and have low s-e and a lack of social skils - I wonder too where one may learn these skills.

I don't know what's going on in her head and since I won't see her to have a "informal chat" I doubt I will find out. I hope it doesn't affect my progress with people at work as I have worked hard there.

Chatty texts aren't always pointless but in this context they were.Three in a row with no waiting for a response is odd.While she would be driving would be odd too.

Have you ever had help with social skills etc?I know how lack of social skills can seriously effect how you feel about yourself aswell as stressing other people.

There will be something somewhere to help you

top_drawer_2

Person_one wrote: »

You are at a disadvantage here TD, and I do feel for you because its clear that you really want to have friends but just don't have that natural way of interacting that most of us take for granted. I think you learn it very young, and it gets reinforced as you grow up, but some people just aren't as able to 'get it' and will always struggle. I have several family members in the same boat as you, but I'm afraid social skills and how to maintain friendships are not things that can be 'taught' to an adult.

When I asked if you had Asperger's earlier on, I was going to suggest that if you do, a lot of people on the spectrum find it much easier to interact with others who are too, because they are 'wired' the same way and there aren't the same subtleties to navigate. Even if you haven't been diagnosed with ASD perhaps you could look into online communities or meetup groups for people who have and see how you get on with the slightly different approach to friendship you'll find there?

I don't think I have aspergers or anything similar although as most people exist somewhere on the spectrum, I will too. I struggle with anxiety and low mood sometimes which seems to relate to not always getting things/low confidence/low s-e. I have always suffered with a lack of advice and much of my childhood was anything but hence these skills weren't priority (or practised).

I don't get aspergers people as although I have issues with socialising I don't see things as they do (black/white) and I also got on very successfully in counselling training myself. I gave it up as its an end. career generally and went to university instead.

Person_one

top_drawer wrote: »

I don't think I have aspergers or anything similar although as most people exist somewhere on the spectrum, I will too. I struggle with anxiety and low mood sometimes which seems to relate to not always getting things/low confidence/low s-e. I have always suffered with a lack of advice and much of my childhood was anything but hence these skills weren't priority (or practised).

I don't get aspergers people as although I have issues with socialising I don't see things as they do (black/white) and I also got on very successfully in counselling training myself. I gave it up as its an end. career generally and went to university instead.

Trying to put this as gently as possible, but I think it might be worth looking into again.

Maybe speak to somebody on this helpline, just in case?

http://www.autism.org.uk/Our-services/Advice-and-information-services/Autism-Helpline.aspx

top_drawer_2

shegirl wrote: »

Chatty texts aren't always pointless but in this context they were.Three in a row with no waiting for a response is odd.While she would be driving would be odd too.

Have you ever had help with social skills etc?I know how lack of social skills can seriously effect how you feel about yourself aswell as stressing other people.

There will be something somewhere to help you

mmm I guess I never thought of it like that ...

No never had any help, although I've been to a lot of counselling over the years and that seems to have helped things. Funnily enough I came across my counselling diary a few weeks ago (me on the course to learn counselling skills) and I had written all about my struggles to interact with people (at work or on course, everywhere really), worries about not being involved in things they were arranging outside work, low mood, misery - nothing good was going on then it seems, how much I hated everything, and very doubting I had anything useful to offer to the group. I got a star report though at the end and the counsellers noted that I was perceptive on other people although sometimes I just felt like I was just shooting in the dark.....

I have looked up advice re conversational skills, social skills training in the past and haven't been able to find anything.

Pechow

top_drawer wrote: »

I don't get aspergers people as although I have issues with socialising I don't see things as they do (black/white) and I also got on very successfully in counselling training myself.

Could you explain what you mean by this? People on the autism spectrum/with an ASD can be very different from one another, especially the higher functioning ones, and there are many people with ASDs that pass as neurotypical, though perhaps awkward/a little weird.

ComeTheRevolution

moneysaymoneydo wrote: »

People who do not drive have a very different perspective oh "it was only 5 minutes out", sorry but streets and the hassle can add a lot onto a journey and people who don't drive have absolutely no idea of how they put someone out, 5 mins to you - hassle to her!

Yup, driving 'five minutes out of her way' to town near the bus station means more traffic and possibly in total quite a bit more than five minutes. Ditto, the hospital was some distance away but the O/P didn't think it reasonable to make a further bus journey to her place. There is also suggestion that a child of 16 doesn't need picking up from school.

I'd keep some distance with new colleagues as being friends while at work is completely different to 'being friends' and has less complications. Sending more than one text after the coffee plan didn't work out is a bit OTT when the O/P also shrugs it off as not being important and 'it was just coffee'.

A light 'oh bloody hell, Tuesday was a nightmare, sorry we didn't get that coffee' will make you appear less intense and defuse the situation. Being colleagues is priority here, particularly as there are others among you and any hint that you've been logging her fb usage will scupper hopes of an easy friendship.

People have busy lives, don't let that effect your self esteem.

geminilady

It is sometimes hard to communicate by text and I think both of you are at fault for not stating things clearly.I could be wrong but think when she text you at 11.15 saying she had just got your text she was saying in a round about way that it was to late to come and meet you and again when she said she was picking up her son from school, obviously if she was doing that she could not be on her way to meet you.If she has problems with the phone maybe she is the same with texting and did not want to say straight out that she was not going to meet you.