Silly situation but a little upset about it.

Person_one

kjmtidea wrote: »

Cheers for that, I got 37 :cool:

I got 5, no wonder I'm always crying at sad songs!

93123

After reading through the topic I bet the OP feels much worse with some of the responses!

You're both very different people and didn't make solid plans. Perhaps she was in the middle of something and hopefully didn't ignore you on purpose, or maybe she didn't know how to tell you it was too late. It could just be misjudgement on your part.

Don't over-think it though as you'll feel worse. I know as I'm the same and it eats at me until I resolve it! Let us know what she says when you see her next. Don't feel bad, you didn't call her a !!!!! and throw a glass of water over her for replying 5 minutes later than you wanted her to.

louby_lou

Ok, this is a sensitive thing.

OP in my opinion regardless of who is at fault here (if indeed there is any fault) this does not appear to be a good friendship for you to pursue at any depth.

You seem to have put this woman on a pedestal, viewing her as popular and having social skills which you yourself (any many of us) would like. It also strikes me that you put a lot of weight to this friendship, while it appears to the outsider that she may view you more as a colleague, and so put less effort into maintaining plans / possible plans.

My advice to you would be - don't text her any more without first receiving a response to your previous texts - maintain your dignity and don't chase people to be your friend. Don't look out for her Facebook activity. In fact since leaving Facebook about 3 years ago I can honestly say I have a much higher opinion of myself now that I'm not constantly over-informed about my contacts comings and goings, or constantly comparing myself to their pictures or sometimes boastful status updates.

Pursue pastimes which you enjoy and try to put yourself into situations where you might meet others who share them. over time you will naturally meet and befriend people who share your interests - which seems to me to be half the way to the start of a friendship.

I have let friendships with perfectly sociable people go because the things we had in common have now waned and the friendship is now in a lull, if not over. That's not a bad thing, life moves on. no one is wrong in that situation. We will all make more friends over time and in that knowledge you need not cling to the ones which you have currently as you know that in the future you will have more.

Focus on the things that make you happy and work upon building your self confidence. May I recommend a book to you which might be useful:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Days-Great-Self-Esteem-Discovering/dp/0091825628/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1369403883&sr=1-1&keywords=10+days+to+great+self-esteem

I found this very informative and helpful and hope it might be of use to anyone who is looking to improve their view of themselves.

In summary: Life is short. Don't let the small things get to you.

Bangton

It's not clear as to whether your friend was saying she was collecting her daughter and that she could no longer make coffee (which would be feasible due to the delays in texts). However, regardless, I think if I were me I would soon get the hint my friend was still assuming we were meeting and was waiting for me. I wouldn't then go and ignore her messages...whether my friend had poor social skills or not!

I'd be annoyed too but rather than let it bother you and feeling like people let you down, just move on. She clearly isn't going to reply and frankly if she doesn't she's a crap friend anyway. Never mind whether you have this that or the other....

top_drawer_2

cutestkids wrote: »

The part in bold is enough to send anyone running in the other direction, it comes across as very needy and a bit strange to be honest

Thanks - helpful.

Looking at it from the perspective of someone who has experience from both sides of the fence, its perfectly normal way for someone who struggles to make friends - to try harder, to do everything in their power to keep hold of them.

On the other hand, having been on the receiving side of these "attentions" its unsettling and frustrating as I can't be "everything" for someone and can see that they will be distraught if I don't answer their calls etc. I know this but its for me its something which is "in the moment" and I struggle to stop myself as most people struggle to control terrible nerves/fear etc.

Either way being called strange is not helpful and makes me feel more isolated.

93123 wrote: »

After reading through the topic I bet the OP feels much worse with some of the responses!

Don't over-think it though as you'll feel worse. I know as I'm the same and it eats at me until I resolve it! Let us know what she says when you see her next. Don't feel bad, you didn't call her a !!!!! and throw a glass of water over her for replying 5 minutes later than you wanted her to.

Some of the posts have been helpful to a point, others I wonder why the poster bothered as they're so full of wanting to punish me (to strong a word but ykwim) for what? Something which is unlikely to impact upon them basically.

I agree I over think and worry about thing excessively .... its a sign of a "down" for me.

I don't think I did over-react initially although the final text was out of order. It would have been far easier to have telephoned although I wonder whether she would have answered? Next time I'll put my feelings/situation first and do what is best/quickest for me.

Bangton wrote: »

It's not clear as to whether your friend was saying she was collecting her daughter and that she could no longer make coffee (which would be feasible due to the delays in texts). However, regardless, I think if I were me I would soon get the hint my friend was still assuming we were meeting and was waiting for me. I wouldn't then go and ignore her messages...whether my friend had poor social skills or not!

I'd be annoyed too but rather than let it bother you and feeling like people let you down, just move on. She clearly isn't going to reply and frankly if she doesn't she's a crap friend anyway. Never mind whether you have this that or the other....

Yes I agree it wasn't clear whether she was saying and she didn't clarify. I was foreseeing that she was saying she can't make it for a little while as in You know I live XX minutes away, and the school is away from town so its going to be XXX minutes as opposed to I can't meet you now. I would have been fine with either either had she done so but it was feeling "dropped" that upset me.

She hasn't replied although the messages have displayed as having been viewed. I got a phone call from another work colleague suggesting meeting up next week and she mentioned asking X along too, I didn't agree or disagree either way and will wait and see if it happens.

She "liked" a status I put on fb yesterday though. I feel that I have been "played with" in that I personally on the receiving end of the same set of texts would have not been too happy with the final one. Even if I had a reasonable explanation I would have said something/offered an explanation but then let it go. I just couldn't jump to "liking" something on their fb page!

A few weeks ago the night before travelling over to attend another colleagues (surprise) do I texted as I realised that having been off work for awhile I didn't know what final arrangements had been made and so wasn't sure what to wear. I texted her asking after her, asked her what she was wearing and asked what the final plans were (there had been talk of a stripper/boat/food/a horse ride even) ... she answered everything in few words but only the bits that related to her, and not anything about the final plans and then eventually stopping answering. The following morning she replied saying The plan is xxx city.

I had already got the details off someone else by then and the following day when she mentioned she was wearing specific shoes suited to a particular terrain I said, "Oh I thought you didn't know about the xxxx" and she said Oh I was tired...... and seemed embarrassed.

Now I'm no social butterfly but to me I think she is a player, I doubt myself because everyone else (who have more friends than I do think she is great) so how can I be right? I'm sad that this means I effectively will struggle to attend anything in the evenings with people from work as I feel that I want to stop home for the time being (as opposed to moving back to living where I worked) and buses/trains finish early/are a distance from where things are held. But I won't be held to ransom.

I do admire her social skills although I don't think that I have put on a pedestal just that I know my own shortcomings and am looking at improving them.

I notice there are a few other people on here who lack social skills for a range of reasons and I wonder whether there would be scope for a support post sort of like the "Starting a new life" but maybe offering support/advice on social situations. I am a member on a social anxiety forum but find that I am more "advanced" when it comes to dealing with issues and so don't get much helpful input.

Pechow

In case you missed it, I would still be interested in a reply to my question a page back.

Will you be speaking to her about this next time you see her in person?

Pixiechic

Maybe just try to put it down to experience! You'll know to clarify things more next time.

Try not to let this influence your contact with other friends though. Misunderstandings can happen and maybe it's sometimes too easy to view yourself negatively as a result.

Good luck with your future plans

cutestkids

Not intended to make you feel more isolated so sorry if it has, it was more intended to let you see how others may perceive things.

I know that I would be uncomfortable if someone was very clingy and needy in a friendship and I would tend to back off.

Another point is that the people you are talking about appear to be mainly work colleagues, there tends to be a difference in the type of friendships that people have with those they work with and friends outside of work.

I have plenty of colleagues that I pass the time of day with at work, go on works nights out, leaving do's etc but I would not really class any as friends, my friends are seperate from my work colleagues and I think for most people it is the same.

Perhaps for true friendships you need to widen the net a bit and try hobbies or clubs that appeal to you that way you are more likely to find like minded people that you can build friendships with.

But remember that we can't make everyone like us and we will not like everyone that is just human nature, perhaps if you just stop trying so hard and be yourself instead of trying to copy what others do you will make friends more easily.

Again I apologize if I have offended you, it was not intended that way

top_drawer_2

louby_lou wrote: »

Ok, this is a sensitive thing.

OP in my opinion regardless of who is at fault here (if indeed there is any fault) this does not appear to be a good friendship for you to pursue at any depth.

You seem to have put this woman on a pedestal, viewing her as popular and having social skills which you yourself (any many of us) would like. It also strikes me that you put a lot of weight to this friendship, while it appears to the outsider that she may view you more as a colleague, and so put less effort into maintaining plans / possible plans.

Pursue pastimes which you enjoy and try to put yourself into situations where you might meet others who share them. over time you will naturally meet and befriend people who share your interests - which seems to me to be half the way to the start of a friendship.


Focus on the things that make you happy and work upon building your self confidence. May I recommend a book to you which might be useful:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Days-Great-Self-Esteem-Discovering/dp/0091825628/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1369403883&sr=1-1&keywords=10+days+to+great+self-esteem

I found this very informative and helpful and hope it might be of use to anyone who is looking to improve their view of themselves.

In summary: Life is short. Don't let the small things get to you.

I agree. Sad as I am as she seemed such a lovely person and it would have been great to have had some of what other people have i.e stopping overnight at friends, someone who I can have a interesting conversation with. Don't get me wrong I don't have "special interests" as such as but I am political, like anything to do with psychology, and reading thought provoking books. My favourite this year (and last) is The Reluctant Fundamentalist and and (real-life) people to talk with about these topics are in short supply ... or I just don't manage the initial bit of conversing too well to get to this bit!

As my main contact with people tends to be through work for a number of reasons (working shifts, low paid and stressful) I have fallen out of attending things. In part because I became quite frustrated as attending these events which didn't develop any further ... So yes I guess I do put a lot (too much) on this friendship.

Anyway, I will add the link to my list of books I will have a look at .... I have a fair quantity of self help type books. Currently reading How to be a People Person by Marianne Csoti and not finding it that helpful but am recognizing that I do some of the less savory points.

Pechow wrote: »

Could you explain what you mean by this? People on the autism spectrum/with an ASD can be very different from one another, especially the higher functioning ones, and there are many people with ASDs that pass as neurotypical, though perhaps awkward/a little weird.

I didn't express myself very well. I meant that I don't see my issues as being related to aspergers (although I can see there are similarities) but I don't "do" the black/white thinking. Of course high-functioning people affected may appear more "normal" but the black/white thinking and not experiencing empathy/understanding facial expressions and body language seem to be the main issues. I don't feel that I have issues here although I can see that it may come over like that as I am determined that my opinion will be listened too. lol I'm told that I come over as a little weird but having met and worked with people who do have high/low functioning aspergers not in quite the same way.

top_drawer_2

Pechow wrote: »

Will you be speaking to her about this next time you see her in person?

Just spotted this bit .... I don't know ....

I'm not sure what to say and whether there is any benefit in it.