Silly situation but a little upset about it.

Pechow

top_drawer wrote: »

I didn't express myself very well. I meant that I don't see my issues as being related to aspergers (although I can see there are similarities) but I don't "do" the black/white thinking. Of course high-functioning people affected may appear more "normal" but the black/white thinking and not experiencing empathy/understanding facial expressions and body language seem to be the main issues. I don't feel that I have issues here although I can see that it may come over like that as I am determined that my opinion will be listened too. lol I'm told that I come over as a little weird but having met and worked with people who do have high/low functioning aspergers not in quite the same way.

I see, though wish to point out that there are many with Aspergers/HFA that are capable of grey thinking and empathy, and who have learnt to read body language etc to an extent where they can pass for normal (or close to). Those with ASDs are almost as varied as those without

A (probably terrible) way of putting it, would be that you could think of those with ASDs and those without as having different hardware. Some may have different capabilities and limits (say, those of lower functioning) and will not be able to do the same things as higher functioning people, but for others (higher functioning), with time/study/persistence/lots of practise and help/etc you can run the same or similar software to neurotypicals. Or at least, software that can give similar results

Anyway! I hope you won't be offended when I say that a lot of what you write and describe does sound just like someone who is on the spectrum. Hence, I think that techniques and support groups for people with ASDs could be of benefit to you, whether you fall on the spectrum yourself or not.

pebbles88

Pechow wrote: »

I see, though wish to point out that there are many with Aspergers/HFA that are capable of grey thinking and empathy, and who have learnt to read body language etc to an extent where they can pass for normal (or close to). Those with ASDs are almost as varied as those without

A (probably terrible) way of putting it, would be that you could think of those with ASDs and those without as having different hardware. Some may have different capabilities and limits (say, those of lower functioning) and will not be able to do the same things as higher functioning people, but for others (higher functioning), with time/study/persistence/lots of practise and help/etc you can run the same or similar software to neurotypicals. Or at least, software that can give similar results

Anyway! I hope you won't be offended when I say that a lot of what you write and describe does sound just like someone who is on the spectrum. Hence, I think that techniques and support groups for people with ASDs could be of benefit to you, whether you fall on the spectrum yourself or not.

:T a really good post :T

Dunroamin

Although I can see that you want friends, might it not be a good idea to concentrate on being happy with yourself and with your own company? Then if friendships happen that's great but, if they don't, you still have an enjoyable and fulfilling life. After all, if you don't enjoy your own company, why should anyone else?

shellsuit

top_drawer wrote: »

I agree. Sad as I am as she seemed such a lovely person and it would have been great to have had some of what other people have i.e stopping overnight at friends, someone who I can have a interesting conversation with. Don't get me wrong I don't have "special interests" as such as but I am political, like anything to do with psychology, and reading thought provoking books. My favourite this year (and last) is The Reluctant Fundamentalist and and (real-life) people to talk with about these topics are in short supply ... or I just don't manage the initial bit of conversing too well to get to this bit!

As my main contact with people tends to be through work for a number of reasons (working shifts, low paid and stressful) I have fallen out of attending things. In part because I became quite frustrated as attending these events which didn't develop any further ... So yes I guess I do put a lot (too much) on this friendship.

Anyway, I will add the link to my list of books I will have a look at .... I have a fair quantity of self help type books. Currently reading How to be a People Person by Marianne Csoti and not finding it that helpful but am recognizing that I do some of the less savory points.



I didn't express myself very well. I meant that I don't see my issues as being related to aspergers (although I can see there are similarities) but I don't "do" the black/white thinking. Of course high-functioning people affected may appear more "normal" but the black/white thinking and not experiencing empathy/understanding facial expressions and body language seem to be the main issues. I don't feel that I have issues here although I can see that it may come over like that as I am determined that my opinion will be listened too. lol I'm told that I come over as a little weird but having met and worked with people who do have high/low functioning aspergers not in quite the same way.

You do though.

Because your friend had told you she 'definitely' wanted to meet up, you took that as gospel, even when you didn't get back to her until the day of the meeting with a time, and even though she didn't say she could meet you, you thought she would meet you, because she didn't say she wasn't going to meet you...if that makes sense!

You hung around waiting for X hours for her, when she didn't say she was going to meet you. You said you hung around because 'she didn't tell you she wasn't going to meet you.

You held it in your head that she was coming, even though she never once said she was.

That, to me, is the 'black and white thing'.

Also, it doesn't seem that you can take a hint, and then you pester people and get upset that they are not responding to you.

Not everyone on the spectrum, displays the same 'symptoms'.

kittiej

Hi Op

I had a score of 45 and some of your posts are something I could have written myself as a young teenager - it can be difficult interacting with others.

As I have got older it doesn't matter that I don't have friends especially with the internet at your fingertips and all the information you can find on there :T

You say you are part of an online community for se? Maybe you could find another community where you can chat to others and build up your se online first before with actual people? (Just a suggestion)

Maybe some relaxation techniques could work so you don't feel so full of angst if things don't go as planned? I know what it's like if others don't stick to what they say :mad:

Hope you can find a solution.

top_drawer_2

hello

I'm going to be back at work next week at some point, the dinner with another colleague (and possibly this person) hasn't been arranged as yet. I find in this workplace that people talk a lot about others and sometimes even base their opinion/change their attitude towards them using this as a foundation. I know these two people (and others) get on much better than I do with either and since I can't really be considered a "friends" with anyone I sometimes feel very isolated and that I can't put my opinion over.

I am concerned that last Tuesday has been talked about and this persons version of events has been effectively accepted as true. I know that she often complains "X has pushed her into going out tomorrow, and she isn't going to be happy when I say I have to xxx and can't go" I accepted these versions as gospel (they don't tend to run contrary to my understanding of the person) but I am now doubting their truth.

She is liking things on fb etc and seems friendly even but I can't get past the feeling that I have been "messed with" here, although I can see with hindsight how some of the texts could have been interpreted.

Still, as I said in an earlier post I feel the texts were so "open" that it could have gone either way. I may well have been saying then that due to her lack of clarity I went home, and she was no happy with me as after making time in the day and after saying Definitely (to meeting) and that I took her text "Just collecting xxx" as she is not wanting to meet rather than an update that she was going to be awhile yet.......

I don't know whether to mention it (in a non-confrontational way obviously) what to say if I do (as last time she seemed to just brush it away) or just leave it.

I saddened as I've said she seems to be such a nice person and a (potential) friend to everyone, yet behaves like this with me.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Honestly; don't mention it at all and stop overthinking it. Just go into work, smile, say 'Hi' and get on with your job.

coolcait

top_drawer wrote: »

hello

I'm going to be back at work next week at some point, the dinner with another colleague (and possibly this person) hasn't been arranged as yet. I find in this workplace that people talk a lot about others and sometimes even base their opinion/change their attitude towards them using this as a foundation. I know these two people (and others) get on much better than I do with either and since I can't really be considered a "friends" with anyone I sometimes feel very isolated and that I can't put my opinion over.

I am concerned that last Tuesday has been talked about and this persons version of events has been effectively accepted as true. I know that she often complains "X has pushed her into going out tomorrow, and she isn't going to be happy when I say I have to xxx and can't go" I accepted these versions as gospel (they don't tend to run contrary to my understanding of the person) but I am now doubting their truth.

She is liking things on fb etc and seems friendly even but I can't get past the feeling that I have been "messed with" here, although I can see with hindsight how some of the texts could have been interpreted.

Still, as I said in an earlier post I feel the texts were so "open" that it could have gone either way. I may well have been saying then that due to her lack of clarity I went home, and she was no happy with me as after making time in the day and after saying Definitely (to meeting) and that I took her text "Just collecting xxx" as she is not wanting to meet rather than an update that she was going to be awhile yet.......

I don't know whether to mention it (in a non-confrontational way obviously) what to say if I do (as last time she seemed to just brush it away) or just leave it.

I saddened as I've said she seems to be such a nice person and a (potential) friend to everyone, yet behaves like this with me.

How can you possibly say even a fraction of that and not come across as confrontational?

You think you were messed around by her; she probably thinks she was messed around by you. You sent her a sarky message, yet still she is being friendly to you. Why would you want to cling on to your gripe, and then stir things up further?

As someone else said, go into work, smile, say 'Hi' and join in the general chitchat. If the 'missed meeting' is mentioned say with a smile "Wasn't that a mix-up!" and move on.

'Move on' would be my advice for the whole situation.

cutestkids

I think it is more than likely a distant memory by now as far as your friend is concerned, I am sure that if she has a family etc then she will have much more to think about to be honest.

Just go to work and carry on as normal don't try so hard to get people to like you just be yourself.

I think you are probably worrying too much to be honest your friend probably did not really know that there was a big problem in the first place.

CH27

Go into work with a smile & get on with your job.
Move on.