A friend staying at our place for 2 weeks

thegirlintheattic

In my house friends are welcome to help themselves to food and drink, and it is the same in their house. But this is something that has been developed over many years. Same with close family, with the in-laws we help ourselves but do bring some bits and pieces with us and take them for meal out. Again, this is something that has developed.

Same with the alone time/tv thing. Within my circle of friends and family, taking yourself off to your room for hours on end would be considered very rude, and would be akin to treating the place like a hotel.

Is your friend in the house alone? If so, how is she going to ask for food?

You need to sit down and lay down ground rules OP.

Richard53

Alpha58 wrote: »

Word of the day: allodoxaphobia. Quote it back at the trolls

Brilliant. That's a new one on me. Thanks.

LouLou

I've been reading this thread with interest as I, myself have had a houseguest who stays a little longer than expected..my boyfriend of five months.

I live in a big city and he's out in the sticks, a good 3 hour journey away. He hates where he stays and prefers where I am.

However..much as I enjoy his company and catching up with him, he stays as long as he likes (until I eventually say, you're going to have to go home for a while and give me space). At first he was absolutely rotten about contributing with food, etc, but he has got better.

Little things like putting the boiler on, using the tumble dryer every day (!!! until I told him off and suggested drying clothes on radiators), and phoning a mobile on a landline (told off for that one too) seem to hint at selfishness and bad manners on his part. He quite happily goes in the fridge and cupboards, though perhaps he thinks as we're an item, albeit a rather new one, he can do as he pleases.

He often gets "hypos" (forgive me but I don't know how Diabetes works, really) so can often get up late at night foraging for sweet things in a hurry.

The last time he stayed (over 3 weeks) he moaned about how warm my house is (he has Addison's and suffers from hot/cold flushes), went to the couch, put a fan on that hummed all night and kept me awake, and grumped because I was a bit skint for the next day or two and had no food in that he liked.

I am quite a tolerant and forgiving person but I thought...that is it, I have to say something. He was in a bad mood all day and I was beginning to think, Is this what lies ahead for me if I keep seeing this guy?

I told him later that night, gently that it was time he went home and I need time to myself, over three weeks is too much for someone like me who gets stressed easily, worries about money and I realise I should be more upfront with my communication. I wasn't kicking him out, just trying to explain my point of view.

I like my own breathing space, need a bit of togetherness to balance out the time alone, and I do care for him, but it's too much too soon for me (he was desperate to stay with me practically a few weeks after meeting as he was paying for hotels when visiting). There's been a few occasions now he's stayed for more than a week at a time.

He seemed crestfallen but nodded in agreement..then got up, packed his bags and left...at 4am. I was in my nightie and had no intention of following him!! (At this point he was just back from a 24 hour casino down the road, so I figured that's where he headed back to until he got his bus at 7am).

(He blames his Addison's for avoiding stressful situations, but this also means that any time there is a tiff or disagreement, it's not open to discussion??).

He was talking normally online when he got home, but I left an offline message on Friday, (as he had friends in earlier and I didn't want to embarrass him) saying, 'we have to talk about that night...I have plans for tomorrow afternoon', (three days after he walked out: he was assuming he could just come up without clearing the air!). '........I'm sorry but I'll talk to you properly tomorrow'. I was still expecting him to come up in the early morning.

The long and the short of it, he was not contactable in the morning and VERY off when he answered his phone in the afternoon, ("I'll give you as much space as you need...I'm never coming back to your house, you can come to mine if you want") and made plans to see other friends on Saturday....and has now switched his phone off completely. Blanking me.

Now he sounds like a complete pain in the rear, but I really enjoy having him around, just that he overstays his welcome. He's gregarious and engaging company, tactile, affectionate, witty, sweet most of the time. He's been very good at helping me out with the house, doing DIY, and is generally very supportive and kind in other ways.

But the moody side of him, and his OTT reaction when things don't go his way....He was helping with buying food after I told him off the first time he stayed around, so we seemed to have resolved that, but I still don't feel it's 50:50.

I was really upset earlier when I discovered he had turned his phone off, as a petty disagreement escalates the more barriers you put between reasonable discussion. All I wanted was a bit of compromise and understanding.

Bottom line is, you need to set the boundaries clearly from the beginning.

*Sorry for the long waffle

LouLou

Re previous comments on this thread, maybe it depends how you were brought up.

I had good manners drummed into me from a young age and still ask my mum if it's OK to have something to eat when I go up. I would never just make a cup of tea at a friend's unless they offered me one, or unless I was asked to switch the kettle on.

My boyfriend talks a lot about "Highland Hospitality" and he seems to be more "your house is my house" so everyone is different. Blindly assuming isn't a good idea, though.

duchy

justme111 wrote: »

Eastern Europeans can be incredibly rude with their comments , I remember mum.of my.friend coming to the house of another friends couple and saying how they should sort out exposed plumbing and plastering (they live in a state of prolonged diy house renovation )
You can just chuck it to cultural differencies sometimes

Oh dear - Of course British people are never rude are they.
Getting quite uncomfortable about the underlying racism from a couple of posters in this thread. People are people - some of the rudest and most ignorant people I've met are British - and some of the most polite are from European countries other than Britain ......and a general mix of both between-nothing to do with race at all.



OP If you don't like what your friend is doing - Tell her ! She may be far more relaxed about these things than you are-or even assumed that as she is your guest you had left the ice cream as a treat for her -she's not a mindreader after all


LouLou sounds like he still lives at home and has no clue about running a home- but yes set boundries early is good advice-It's far harder to change things without hurt feelings the longer something has had to establish itself.

Bella73

Not read all the posts but I think the comments about your kitchen are out of order.

However on the food it is difficult to know, we had an Aunt who would say help yourself but didn't actually mean it rather like yourself, it can be a minefield as you just don't know what you can and cannot eat so we used to go off and buy our own stuff and keep it our room or she would moan.

So it is best to be upfront if you want her to ask you need to tell her as to be fair she is not a mind reader if you have given the impression she can help herself...is that how you two would have behaved years ago when you were proper best friends as she might not have realised the goalposts have changed?

I have friends who I would help myself and they would here and others I would ask and they would ask it depends on the relationship we have.

stir_crazy

Sometimes its hard to gauge situations like this. Personally I would never help myself in someone's house but would establish ground rules if someone came to stay.

As other posters have mentioned, your friend might simply think that as an old friend she doesn't have to ask and obviously doesn't realise that she's being rude. However, you should be able to tell her your house rules and how you feel about the food situation and kitchen comments and if she values your friendship she'll be able to see your point. There's no point in being shy about it.

LouLou

duchy wrote: »

LouLou sounds like he still lives at home and has no clue about running a home- but yes set boundries early is good advice-It's far harder to change things without hurt feelings the longer something has had to establish itself.

That's the thing, he does have his own place, and is in his 40s, but prefers the city life. He's still not talking to me today either

barbiedoll

We go and stay at my friend's home often and she always tells us to help ourselves to whatever we want. We take food/wine or we go shopping when we get there, I'll leave her to cook as she loves doing it and I'll wash up and clear away.

Sometimes she'll say "don't eat the **** that's for OH's lunch tomorrow" or more often..."don't use the mince, that's the cheap stuff for the dog" etc etc, and I wouldn't open, say, a new packet of biscuits that I preferred, if there were others already open.

But then, my friend's the sort who will tell me if I'm p***ing her off!

BitterAndTwisted

stir_crazy wrote: »

As other posters have mentioned, your friend might simply think that as an old friend she doesn't have to ask and obviously doesn't realise that she's being rude.

An additional complication is that the friend is over here from Eastern Europe, so she may not have appreciated quite how expensive grocery shopping is here compared to where she's from. If she hadn't realised this before she got here it would have come as a very nasty shock.

Still, I wouldn't have expected to be able to help myself in someone else's house no matter what the circumstances. I wouldn't ever have done this at my own mother's once I'd left home and become an independent and autonomous adult. It's just ruddy rude.