How can I fix this?

LannieDuck

Anon34 wrote: »

Well thanks. But unfortunately this is my life.
I'm sorry for posting if that's how it's come over.

Thank you to those who took the time to comment

If you're true, then it's definitely a good thing you posted. Sometimes it's hard to stand back and look at your situation as someone else would.

Edit: I'll stop posting on your thread now, I don't want to risk (further) upsetting a genuine poster.

meritaten

I know how insidious mental abuse can be - it happens over time and you get brainwashed into believing THIER view of you. your own self esteem gets so eroded that you come to believe you are the stupid, worthless, ugly, sexless person they say you are. Its really hard to fight back - posting on a forum and seeing people SAY you are a worthwhile person can give you the kick you need to get out of that situation. and many other people in the same situation can be 'lurking' - and thinking 'Yes, that's me'! so if even one person apart from the poster is helped to break free - the thread is very valuable!

paulineb_2

marisco wrote: »

When someone is suffering in an abusive relationship, what they fear most is not being believed, when they finally find the courage to turn to others and confide in them what is going on. At that time they need people willing to listen and to offer support and guidance not to question their honesty and suggest it is all a windup.

Of course, you know, there are some people out there, and that is their right, who still think my exes are lovely, salt of the earth, charming people.

And I didnt spend my time slating my exes to people, I told a couple of people some of how the relationship ended up.

But some people are seriously so nice, so affable, so charming, so pleasant. Some people do things to make themselves look nice, the outside world thinks they are fantastic. But they arent nice to the person they are supposed to be closest to.

And thats what makes it all the harder, because when you have someone being consistently nasty to you and everyone thinks they are bloody wonderful, you end up not telling people, because they couldnt get it into their head that their friend, workmate, family member who is so lovely and supportive to them, is horrible to you.

It isolates people, because they think when they do tell people, they'll be accused of making it up. And thats a big part of why some people stay.

paulineb_2

meritaten wrote: »

I know how insidious mental abuse can be - it happens over time and you get brainwashed into believing THIER view of you. your own self esteem gets so eroded that you come to believe you are the stupid, worthless, ugly, sexless person they say you are. Its really hard to fight back - posting on a forum and seeing people SAY you are a worthwhile person can give you the kick you need to get out of that situation. and many other people in the same situation can be 'lurking' - and thinking 'Yes, that's me'! so if even one person apart from the poster is helped to break free - the thread is very valuable!

I also think a lot of people who mentally abuse others are weak people who project every single bit of insecurity they have about themselves onto you.

You are less likely to leave someone if you are being ground down to nothing.

I dont really know how to say this so you'll believe me OP, but there is a way forward from all of this and things will get better.

Things may be rough for a while if you do decide to ask him to find somewhere else to live, but I really do think you need time out from one another, for your sake more than his.

Pechow

Anon34 wrote: »

Then he said we wouldn't need it if I'd just own up to my problems, I am having counselling of my own. But I don't think he would do it. He hopes the counselling will make me "not mental "

More chance of me being a size 8

Please look up the term "gaslighting", read these:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2011/09/12/a-message-to-women-from-a-man-you-are-not-%E2%80%9Ccrazy%E2%80%9D/

http://theweek.com/article/index/239659/what-is-gaslighting

He is the crazy one, not you. He may hide it and make everyone else believe otherwise (except your friend seems to think otherwise-trust her!) but that's the whole point-to make you believe that what you think, feel, say, remember, is wrong and he is right. If you went to a counselor (or psychologist, or therapist, whatever) and told them what you've told us, they'd be reassuring you that it's not you, it's him, and you are suffering from domestic abuse. If you actually could go see someone (by yourself-you do not want him in there, lying and manipulating the conversations) that would actually probably be of great benefit to you.

There is no saving this relationship, to be blunt. He will never change, and you will never be happy with him.

tayforth

OP - a huge well done for having the courage to post here.

You are being abused, both physically and mentally. Please believe that, because it's true. Please stop blaming yourself for his behaviour. And please stop seeing him as a good father. Anyone who behaves and speaks in the way he does is NOT a good father. He is damaging your children as well as you.

I recently ended my abusive marriage. So much of what you describe could have been written by me. I was utterly miserable. I was downtrodden. I had no confidence. I had stopped eating, sleeping, seeing friends, doing housework, everything. And my ex had the bl00dy neck to say that I was a bad wife for not wanting to sleep with him!!!!!!!

Without going into too much detail, I posted here and went to the Samaritans, and I am so glad that I did. That was a mere 6 weeks ago. Since then, I have ended my marriage and put my ex out of the house. I am still coming to terms with what happened, and there are moments when I get almost angry about it - thinking about the 7 years that I wasted with him.

But here's the good news: every single day, I feel free. I feel thankful. I feel 100% content with my decision. I know that I will never ever go back to him as long as I live.

I hope that you can muster the courage to do the same.

laurel7172 wrote: »

I used to be depressed.

I used to think I was lazy/worthless/unattractive. I even believed my OH when he told me his affairs were my fault.

Emotional abuse is insidious. It sneaks up on you. It starts as a hurtful remark here, a put down there, until everything you do or say is an excuse for more abuse. But by then, you've been convinced (after all, you've been told often enough) that no one else will have you. You've probably isolated yourself from your friends (he doesn't like them, does he?). It saps your strength, destroys your ability to see things clearly. If it goes on long enough and successfully enough, you become your own abuser...you put yourself down even when he isn't there to do it...

This was me, as well.

Anon34 wrote: »

I worry about the kids seeing the arguments, they have turned physical at times( on both sides I should add) but lately I walk away, he follows me tearing my covers off my in bed demanding to know who I'm seeing. Then usually throwing things at me.
We are toxic together I know that but he keeps saying sex will fix it or if we talk. But talking is a 2 hour lecture on my faults and how I'm to blame.

Thank you to everyone for advice, I am taking it on board

My ex used to do this too.

coolcait

marisco wrote: »

When someone is suffering in an abusive relationship, what they fear most is not being believed, when they finally find the courage to turn to others and confide in them what is going on. At that time they need people willing to listen and to offer support and guidance not to question their honesty and suggest it is all a windup.

Very, very true. Sadly.

Unfortunately, that does mean that abuse is a good topic choice for a windup. Much less likely to be challenged. Sadly.

The OP on this thread has received - as ever - a great deal of very helpful advice. The kind of advice which is invaluable to those who are in abusive relationships.

Except for the suggestion about couples counselling. There is too high a risk that an abuser could manipulate the counselling.

Individual counselling can help someone who is being abused by a partner.

The business about taking photos of a stranger on a bus, and then sharing them is - in my opinion - something which I would share with the local police.

I have read the entire thread with a feeling of 'deja vu' most of the time. Sadly.

pebbles88

From someone who has been there, (no children) but the constant.... It's my fault he seeks stuff elsewhere....


No one's perfect, but you aren't the cause of this. The only thing that will make you see that is time.... & watching him do the same to someone else when you're strong enough to leave.

Big hugs sweetheart. Xxxx

Supernatural

You must get out before your young daughter grows up thinking this is a normal relationship, that this is the way she should be treated by someone that loves her. If you can't do it for yourself then do it to safeguard her from a life of repeating the pattern.

victory

Anon34 wrote: »

Well thanks. But unfortunately this is my life.
I'm sorry for posting if that's how it's come over.

Thank you to those who took the time to comment

It has taken a lot of courage to post, don't stop posting, re read what you have posted and see it like it is, a very toxic relationship that has nowhere to go anymore, you deserve so much better and your kids would wish for better for you