How can I fix this?

Anon34

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jjj1980

:wave::wave: Another one here that's been through the domestic abuse and come out the other side.

I hid everything that was going on, even from my parents and best friends as I was embarrassed that I was recently married, soon after nearly died have my little girl and was now being treat like something he had trodden on.

My previous posts have more details but suffice to say, he walked out on my first mothers day! The abuse continued after we split, for months with it ending up in the hands of the police.

I eventually went to see a counsellor And whenever I mentioned the reasons he gave for everything being my fault, she made me explain each situation fuly and say what I could have done at each point to stop it. If I did come up with anything, she discussed in detail how that could have been done. Like he accused me of being so ill I nearly killed his daughter and was a terrible mother as I couldn't even carry her to term. I said I could have lived healthier whilst pregnant and sought more medical help. We then went through the list that I was on twice weekly antenatal appointments from 12 weeks and admitted to hospital at 33 weeks till she was delivered and got to 12 days old. Nothing more I could have done there. I followed every bit of medical advice to the letter, nothing else I could have done there. All the while, I was already putting up terrible behaviour on his part, stealing from me,being deceitful, finding out he was getting us into serious debt and expecting me to get us out of it. So much stress caused by him, he was the one who should have been doing everything possible to help me.

It's a selfish, very insecure man that abuses his partner. They know they are in the wrong but can't accept its their doing so make themselves feel better by putting the blame on the nearest person.

I won't lie, recovering from everything, as well as PTSD following the traumatic delivery I had experienced, was bloody hard! The continued verbal abuse from him didn't help either! It's onlyfrom the Decree Absolute being issued last year and meeting stronger that he has seen he cannot intimidate me anymore and has stopped all the crap. He did try it a few weeks after the divorce was finalised but instead of cowering and getting upset like I used to do, (he being 6'3", me only 5'3"), I straightened up, planted my feet and told him to do his worst. Reminded him that he lay one finger on me like he used to and he was three key presses away from a police cell. Told him his cruel words don't hurt anymore and say more about him than me. He left at that point and although I sat on the floor shaking like leaf for ten minutes,he didn't see it!

Any sarky comments from him now, I just laugh off or ignore totally. He seems now though to be realising what he caused himself to lose, seeing how well my daughter and I are doing without him. I think it's hilarious as he has no chance ever of being taken back, obviously regrets that - something he said I would be the one feeling- whilst I am very happy, settled, in a job I love and my little girl is happy, confident and we have a bond that nothing will ever come between.

Good luck open but please stop thinking any of this is your fault. It really isn't. It sounds like he doesn't like your reactions to his behaviour but what us he expecting??!! Far too much in my opinion.

emsywoo123

balletshoes wrote: »

The only way this is going to stop is for you two not to be together. But you're not ready to hear this.

This. Times 1000.

jjj1980

Anon34 wrote: »

Thanks again for all your opinions and advice.
I feel that I have painted my oh in a very bad light, I expect he could tell stories about me that would change opinions, however I did alot of thinking, and not much sleeping last night, and have emailed him at work to say we need to talk about the situation. He agrees and suggested we talk calmly without it getting into a huge row.

Had to respond to this part. My ex was telling stories about me that were to try and paint me in a bad light but they were never the whole truth. Just done to get people on his side. For instance, that he was struggling with money and that I was refusing to help him. Real truth was, while working, I pas paying every house bill and being left with £150 for the whole month to cover petrol and car costs, food shopping etc. He was supposedly working 12 hours shifts, 7 days a week, and bringing not a penny into the house. Turned out he was sitting in friends/relatives houses most of the time and not working. Was telling them I had made him leave he house each morning and taken his key off him!! Total tripe, he was leaving before me!! Any money he did earn, he was spending on drink wih his mates.

Along same lines, accused me of trying to cut him off from his family and friends as I would give him money for drinking and eating with them!!

Once our daughter was born, he was telling everyone I didn't let him take her out on his own and refused to leave him alone with her. Too dam right I did, he refused to ever feed or change her, gave her no real attention whatsoever and had threatened that the first time he was allowed to be on his own with her, that would be the last I ever saw or heard of her. Not a risk I was willing to take and never will.

Abusers are manipulative, they project everything onto their victim. It takes time to see it but my gosh, once that lightbulb goes on, you get a flood of anger and indignance and there is no way you put up with it any longer.

trix-a-belle

Regardless of what you both want going forward I would strongly advise you both take your own space (ie get him out of the house, even if things improving & he returns later) then perhaps you can gain some clarity that you are a good mother, & good person who deserves better than this & has come such a long way from pnd & depression & is recovering.
Please listen to what everyone has said he is the one with troubles & is deflecting & trying to blame you rather than own up & accept he needs help. No one is 100% angelic not you but not him either, everyone has faults but his far far far surpass any of yours just from what I have read, your reactions to his actions are perfectly normal and rational.

If you feel the reason you want to save this is because he is a good day please remember that a child growing up with a happy mummy & daddy who are not together is a million times better than mummy & daddy who live together but are always unhappy because neither want to be there, don't waste energy trying to fix what has gone too far

Also take some time to read through tayforth's thread
(hugs)

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

Thanks again for all your opinions and advice.
I feel that I have painted my oh in a very bad light, I expect he could tell stories about me that would change opinions, however I did alot of thinking, and not much sleeping last night, and have emailed him at work to say we need to talk about the situation. He agrees and suggested we talk calmly without it getting into a huge row.

Whether or not this will end like every other chat, with me excepting what a useless horrible individual I am I have no idea. I doubt he will take responsibility for his actions and his words, that have caused at least half of where we are. If his response is, well you made me do it/say it. I'm not sure there's anywhere left to go.
What puzzles me is, if he feels all these things about me why talk about me selling my house so we can buy one together, or having another baby?? He obviously feels I'm a rubbish parent, why give me another opportunity .
It's mixed messages and for once I'd just like to know what is what. But maybe I need to step up and make these decisions.

Again thank you, it's been a relief to share everything.

I dont think you have painted him in a bad light at all, if everything happened the way you told it, he DESERVES to be painted in a bad light.

We all have responsibilities for our own actions, no one makes people be nasty and obnoxious to other people. You dont make people that way, please understand that hes just trying to make you the scapegoat for his horrible behaviour.

Selling your house so you can buy one together? Trying for another baby? Please, right now dont even consider that with the way things are. Hes throwing you crumbs to hang onto so that when you sit back and go through what hes doing you'll think, well he must care about me if he said this or that.

Its still abuse. It doesnt take away the down times, it doesnt excuse anything, you are still with someone who is clearly abusing you.

And how you deal with this is entirely up to you, but if I were you I would seriously consider speaking to a third party, a counsellor, the samaritans, anyone. Before you speak to him.

Anon34

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paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

I have spoken with my counsellor about speaking with him this past week. She suggested that if the conversation again becomes a slagging match or a blaming me for everything episode then I should end the conversation as to continue only inflames the situation.

The heartbreaking thing is that when he feels everything is going his way he is the loveliest man on the planet. But when I'm being difficult ( which has been alot recently) he turns into a vindictive nasty bully who accuses me of doing all the things he has been caught doing.

It's a rollercoaster, up one minute down the next. My eldest daughter ( from previous bad relationship) doesn't get on with him. She's well aware of the arguing and is forever being told by me just to say nothing, as if she starts arguing with him and I don't side with him it's ww3 when they the kids are in bed.( she can be a cheeky madam!!)

To give him his due, I haven't been talking to him for the past week or so ( since I found the creepy photo) so I know I'm annoying him, but I worry if I start talking it will all come out.

I should also add as far as the pic is concerned that's not his fault, a friend asked him to take it when he mentioned how attractive this person was....that's his excuse. That, and if I hadn't been snooping on his phone like a nutcase I wouldn't have found it.

I'm angry today, I seem to pick men who settle for me and blame me for their own unhappiness. This isn't how I imagined my life

Stop. Stop calling yourself difficult and a nutcase. Stop making excuses for his awful behaviour.

Read this


http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog...razy%E2%80%9D/

Can you relate to any of that?

Sometimes our life isnt the way we imagined it. Ive certainly been in relationships where I felt like that.

But you dont need to settle for someone who is in your words a vindictive and nasty bully.

paulineb_2

This


I'm angry today, I seem to pick men who settle for me and blame me for their own unhappiness.

Ive been there. But you arent picking these men, you dont know what you are getting until you get into a relationship.

I know what its like, I know exactly what its like to be in relationships with people who blame you for EVERYTHING thats wrong with their life.

But you really dont need to live like this, you have choices.

balletshoes

You are making your girls into victims OP, right now you are doing this.
when is enough going to be enough ~ when be starts directly abusing them like he,s doing to you, and has been doing to you for years?