How can I fix this?

paulineb_2

balletshoes wrote: »

I'm not disagreeing with you pauline, however I don't think the OP sees any abuse in whats going on in her relationship or her home, and thats what I'm trying to get at.

But I think I'm in a losing battle here, and I'm so upset at the thought of what the children are having to put up with that I'm going to take a break from this thread.

I think of my own daughter, yes she can be a stroppy cheeky mare occasionally, she's 12, she's growing up, but she is free in her own home to express herself to both me and her Dad, home is her haven, her safe place, and thats the way it should be. She isn't afraid of us, she isn't afraid of talking to us. She doesn't feel like she's in the middle, or the cause of, yet another fight between her mum and mum's partner. She doesn't have an adult picking away at her self-esteem telling her she's mental or a nasty little liar.

I think she does, but shes not quite aware of how bad it is and how badly shes suffering. But thats normal, because when you have had your self esteem chipped away at for so long, you blame yourself.

God knows Ive ended up in toxic relationships myself and taken far too long to get out of them.

Hopefully, the OP might read some of the articles, get some proper professional advice and actually get to the point where she wants to make some changes.

And honestly, if you've had 5 good months in 5 years, that says it all.

Im really sorry OP, that this hasnt been what you wanted for your family life, but no matter what the future holds, whether its being on your own for a bit, being with someone else in the long term.

Anything has to get better than this.

BitterAndTwisted

Anon34 wrote: »

My worry is , my own insecurities ( I have many I didn't have a particularly happy childhood and my parents, well probably shouldn't have been parents) I worry my insecurities are the cause of my now 2 relationships where I was treated in much the same way.

Has it ever occurred to you that abusers are extremely skilled at recognising potential victims? I very strongly suspect that this is precisely what has been going on.

Reading this whole thread and your descriptions of what has been happening in your relationship has made me weep. For you and for your poor innocent children.

If you really cannot find the strength to get this truly vile, devious, worthless and cruel scumbag out of your life for yourself I implore you to try and do it for your children's sakes. He's obviously mentally unbalanced and you're not competent to help him with this. And he truly doesn't deserve any help from you, just some packed bags and the locks changed asap.

Anon34

.............

heartbreak_star

You'll make your life a lot happier by getting away from him.

He has ground you down so much you're not sure who you are any more.

Lots of love.

HBS x

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

I have drafted up some points I want to talk about with him, and I'm going to email them, so he has the chance to think before he gets home. I don't want to spring anything on him.

I understand people getting frustrated with me, perhaps not seeing things as clearly as you do. But this is my life. I want to make my life happy and I'm trying to do something about it. Please believe me, it would be so much easier to do nothing.

I wouldnt do that. Dont set yourself up for a slanging match, because thats what it might turn into. Or more conversations where you are told you are to blame.

Please dont set yourself up for more abuse. I think really, its gone beyond talking to one another. If you talk, do it in front of someone who is professionally trained.

You seriously have been through enough abuse. I think what happens when people get abused, even if you've only had a short spell of happy times, you cling onto that. One of my exes was nice to me for a long time and my head was messed up for a long time, because you think, it wasnt always like this.

He also spent years and I mean years, turning up on my doorstep, my mums doorstep, crying, broken hearted, he would phone me at Xmas, he would turn up on my door, after he had been in long term relationships with other people. It was awful, because what I wanted was the door slammed shut and a clean break and I didnt get that clean break and my head couldnt deal with the fact that he had been so insistent that he wanted to leave me, but afterwards I never got a single minutes peace.

Its the good times that give your mind confusion and then when it unravels, and you are getting, its you and if you werent like this etc etc etc.

You end up blaming yourself for the deterioration of a relationship when it wasnt your fault (and Im not 100 per cent perfect, no one is, I know fine well Ive contributed to things going wrong). Its exactly as you said earlier, some people are very very unhappy people but instead of dealing with that unhappiness, they project it all onto you and you also become unhappy.

Hes done too many things to you that cant be fixed by a sitting down and talking about it session.

I think you both need professional help to decide where to go from here, even if its to deal with the split.

BitterAndTwisted

Honey, I don't think people are getting frustrated with you at all. Just very, very sad at the terrible pain he has been inflicting on you. When 99.9% of other sane and decent men would have supported and cherished you no matter what.

Sometimes it's just easier to see a situation much more clearly when you are on the outside looking in than actually being in it and looking out. He's had a very long time to drip, drip, drip his poison to erode your confidence in your own sanity. Which is very likely the reason why you appear to be accepting your own responsibility for the way he treats you. But you aren't responsible: he is! 100% of it.

Do you really and truly believe that enduring his vile manipulation of you would be easier? Can you visualise what your lives would be like in ten years time with nothing having changed?

He's clearly and openly wished you dead, for Christ's sake! If you don't care to focus on anything else, please just focus on that one.

heartbreak_star

I'm angry that the poor OP seems to be ignoring so much good advice, but at the same time I know what it's like to be ground down by someone and just want to give her a big hug.

I think my temper has flared at the situation and the fact that people can treat each other so nastily

HBS x

paulineb_2

Id also say, I dont know if you are married, people have assumed it, but I didnt see anything that said you were.

When it comes to the separation, get legal advice, you mentioned something about him having a house, talked about selling something to get a property together?

If he has anywhere else he can go and live, even in the meantime, if he has a home of his own elsewhere, think about asking him to move back.

I dont think the OP is ignoring advice, shes trying to make sense of the mess shes in and dealing with it the only way she can at the moment.

It can be a lot to deal with when your eyes are opened to just how badly someone is treating you and that its actually not you thats to blame.

Anon34

.............

CH27

Pack all his belongings & have them waiting when he gets home.

Tell him to leave at once.

You NEED to protect yourself & your children.