How can I fix this?

Anon34

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paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

He says he only wished I would kill myself because I had hurt him so he was hurting me back. If I remember correctly it came about because I told him I thought we should split , that my depression was getting worse.
He replied u dont have depression your just lazy vile and mental , spent another half hour telling me how I have made him depressed, then said why dont you just go and kill yourself, then went on to say no one would care, your family hate u etc etc. it sounds worse than it was, I'm used to it, but I did think, if I was in a bad place a comment like that would be enough to tip me over.

I emailed him 20 mins ago. No response as of yet. I'm sick with nerves

No, it doesnt sound worse than it was, it sounds awful, please, depression is a horrible debilitating illness, even in its mildest form and if you have been suffering from post natal depression as well, you need support and help, from your GP and people who care about you.

You are just used to being abused so much that youve been used to making excuses for the rubbish he comes out with. Ive been there, Ive made excuses to myself over and over for someone elses bad behaviour, because they told me I was mental.

I wasnt mental. In my case, I believe my ex had some kind of personality disorder, something like schizoid affective disorder, possibly not exactly but similar. And I dont judge people who have mental health issues, because of other experiences in my life, but sometimes people view the world in a different way, they cant relate to people, they are emotionless unless they are on the attack, they take pleasure from hurting other people. And in the end I got fed up feeling sorry for my ex as to the life he had had and why he was the way he was, I just got sick of his abuse. He didnt abuse his friends the way he did me, nor his family, just me.

You could sit and wonder for weeks or years why someone is like they way they are. Or get out. Life is hard enough. This isnt a healthy relationship, you are already suffering from depression or PND and instead of getting love and support, you are being abused, day in and day out.

You can honestly get away from him if you have the strength and courage to do so. You will have a better life in the end, even if it hurts and stings for a while, you will have a better life.

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

We're not married, the house we live in is mine.
He won't ever agree to leave without his daughter. And it would be over my dead body anyone is taking my child.

I want him to be the person he was for the first few months we were together, he often says the same about me , I think we have both had a horrible effect on each other

He'll have to leave if its without your daughter. Too bad. He doesnt call the shots in all of this. Hes abused you for years and if the price he has to pay is that he sees your daughter part time, that is the way it is.

Please, do not think you cant get out of this because he has to live in the same house as your daughter. As other people have said, what kind of a life is she going to have growing up in an environment like this.

And hes never going to be that person who was nice to you for 5 months. Thats gone. Hes said and done too many things to you and your kids.

And if you bring out the worst in one another, you are better off without one another.

If its your house, ask him to leave and then worry about access arrangements later. And if he wont leave, get legal advice.

Anon34

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Pechow

Anon34 wrote: »

I have gotten legal advice before regarding the house, apparently as its my house I need to give him reasonable notice and then I can change locks etc.
I would however like him to SEE and FEEL what he's done. To understand it.
I can take responsibility for the times I have said nasty things, or hurt him.
I want him to do that.

He will never do that. That would mean admitting you were right and he wasn't. It will never happen. Unfortunately you are unlikely to ever get validation from him like that, or closure. The best you will get is him saying what he thinks you want to hear in order to stop you leaving and get you back into line. Once he thinks you've been convinced it would stop and his behaviour will start all over again.

paulineb_2

Any rose tinted specs you have about this man or nostalgia for the good bits in the relationship at the beginning, get rid of them.

There are not enough nice things about this man for you ever to have any kind of productive relationship.

And you are not to blame. You do not make someone behave in a certain way towards you, even if they say you do. They choose to do it.

I dont know what age your daughter is, but youve said at one point that theres been some physical contact, some pushing and shoving of you.

You need to have a think about what line he is going to have to cross for you to open your eyes and see him for the person he is, a horrible, manipulative, mentally abusive and cruel individual.

And even if you did get couples counselling and sorted out things to the point there would be no more abuse, believe me, the resentment you might feel about the way he has treated you to date would be chipping away at you.

You know what he is doing is wrong. Hes tried to convince you its you, but you know its him.

You just need to find the courage to take the next step and remove yourself from this persons life once and for all.

justme111

You can not make other see or feel things. Until you try to prove something to him you will not move on. Even if you get him out of your house if you will keep trying to make him understand you will be in a toxic relationship and not heal.

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

I have gotten legal advice before regarding the house, apparently as its my house I need to give him reasonable notice and then I can change locks etc.
I would however like him to SEE and FEEL what he's done. To understand it.
I can take responsibility for the times I have said nasty things, or hurt him.
I want him to do that.

You cant. Thats impossible. You cannot make someone empathise with what youve been through if they have caused it themselves.

And if he ever takes any kind of responsibility by the sounds of it, it would take a lot of therapy to get him to that point.

Someone who behaves like that in the first place isnt going to give a monkeys about your feelings, if they did they wouldnt treat you like that in the first place.

CH27

Anon34 wrote: »

I have gotten legal advice before regarding the house, apparently as its my house I need to give him reasonable notice and then I can change locks etc.
I would however like him to SEE and FEEL what he's done. To understand it.
I can take responsibility for the times I have said nasty things, or hurt him.
I want him to do that.

He will never do that.

heartbreak_star

I very rarely say this to anyone.

Get out. Or change the locks.

HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU OR YOUR DAUGHTER.

Let's rephrase one of your sentences a bit, OP, from:

"He says he only wished I would kill myself because I had hurt him so he was hurting me back."

to:

"He says he only [STRIKE]wished I would kill myself[/STRIKE] hit me because I had [STRIKE]hurt[/STRIKE] annoyed him so he was [STRIKE]hurting me back[/STRIKE] lashing out."

Seeing the similarities?

You are abused, and are allowing your daughter to be abused by proxy. Please see the light.

EDIT: Also, part of you seems to be wanting to punish him. It's never going to happen. To feel a punishment, he'd have to feel like he's done something wrong. All you're doing by sticking around is enabling his abominable behaviour.

I ask again - what would you do if your daughter (in later years) or a friend (now) confided in you that this was happening to them?

Would you ask them to "talk about it, because he's not that bad when he's in a good mood". Really?

HBS x