How can I fix this?

Pechow

This may sound extreme to you, but consider the possibility of a restraining order against him. Start documenting anything and everything he says and does to you-save emails and texts and letters, get letters from your counselor about his behaviour if needed, support from your GP about your depression but that you're still capable, anything and everything. You need to be prepared.

zzzLazyDaisy

1 you cannot make someone love you, when they don't
2 you cannot make someone take responsibility, when they don't believe anything is their fault
3 you cannot make someone understand how much they are hurting you, when they don't care
4 you cannot make him respect you when he does not have any understanding of what that means
5 you cannot get back the person you thought they once were, when even that was just them playing a game to get what they wanted


I could go on....

The man you want him to be doesn't exist. The happy future you want to have with him is a fantasy. You can't lose him because he was never yours in the way you wanted him to be, and he never will be.

I am so sorry that this sounds harsh. And yes I do know that men like your OH can be very manipulative and yet somehow very addictive - it is how he keeps you trapped in a loveless relationship.

A useful book to read is:

How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard M. Halpern

I am sending you hugs and best wishes for a happy future without him - but only you can make that decision.

D

heartbreak_star

Anon34 wrote: »

I can't even think straight , I feel like my insides have been ripped out.

And that's exactly how he wants you to feel - he's exerting more control over you.

I'd definitely have a word with the police about this, and have someone with you when he gets home.

Think strong! You can do this - we're all backing you up even if it's over keyboards.

EDIT: Daisy that's a great post.

HBS x

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

No I'm at home. Tbh I think he'll do what he always does, come in eat and sit on the pc. This has no real affect on him. He's already said he doesn't care what I say anymore, he doesn't care if I'm upset.he can just carry on.

I feel utterly lost. I just don't understand. I can't get my head round it

Ask him to leave. You dont need to get your head around it, you can get support to deal with the fallout later.

Hes abusing you. Youve told him how you feel and he doesnt care.

That is a big enough sign that you need away from this man. Please stop trying to fix something that cant be fixed, concentrate on your own life and how you move on from this.

chonorla

Anon34 wrote: »

I have gotten legal advice before regarding the house, apparently as its my house I need to give him reasonable notice and then I can change locks etc.

Anon, who gave you that advice?
I have worked for a DA charity for 6 years and I have never heard that one before? Reasonable notice is all very commendable, but I think your situation has gone past that. Are they aware of his unreasonable behaviour -I think that will make a world of difference to the situation.
I also appreciate that you don't see this as abusive, but it is.
If you truly want him out, phone your local police station and ask if they have a Domestic Violence Officer you can speak to. It doesn't have to be violence to get them involved, emotional abuse is often far worse. They can either give you some advice or you can make them aware of the situation and that you want him to leave "your" property.
If and when you are ready to ask/tell him he is leaving - if things become messy or heated - phone the police or ask them to attend. As they will already be aware of the situation, they will be forewarned of what may be going on. Also let them know if the children are present. It is yours and your daughters home and without your agreement, he has no right to be there.

I wish you all the best x

Anon34

.............

Pechow

Anon34 wrote: »

Apparently I knew what he was like, I'm playing the victim. I use depression as an excuse. He wants to be able to do reasonable activites without me kicking off?!!!

Reasonable activities that probably involve other women and lying to me.

I'm heartbroken. I promised myself this was it. No more chances or excuses. I really really hoped he just say sorry I have hurt you, or give me some glimmer of hope. But it's all ... You did this you don't do that. I want I want.

I want to crawl to bed and stay there

I would not be surprised if he is already doing things with other women, at the very least he wants to and actively seems to plan how. Projecting behaviour and feelings is common in those that are cheating-this would likely be why he accuses you of playing away, because that's what he is doing (it doesn't necessarily have to mean sex, if he is unable to find the time to do so, as he obviously wants to). As well as just being a means of tearing you down and making you feel worthless.

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

I was expecting something, some sign he cared? He knows I mean it this time, and that just seems to have made him colder towards me.
He says I'm in a mood all the time, yes maybe because of the way he behaves. I said that. I apologised. I got nothing back but the usual

He doesnt care about you. If he did he wouldnt treat you the way he does.

You gave him one last chance to sort this out, he wont, its obvious what you have to do now.

And if you dont put him out now, you are just giving him the green light to abuse you again and again, because he knows he can do whatever he likes to you and he'll come home tonight, eat his dinner and sit on the pc until his next outburst

You have to make up your mind that this is over and then take steps to end the relationship, or continue on this destructive cycle for a long time.

Pechow

Anon34 wrote: »

I was expecting something, some sign he cared? He knows I mean it this time, and that just seems to have made him colder towards me.
He says I'm in a mood all the time, yes maybe because of the way he behaves. I said that. I apologised. I got nothing back but the usual

He doesn't care. I'm sorry, but the only reason he'll act nice and show affection is to keep you around where he wants you. He doesn't love you and doesn't care about your feelings or wellbeing at all. Don't apologise to him because this is not your fault.

CH27

Anon34 wrote: »

I was expecting something, some sign he cared? He knows I mean it this time, and that just seems to have made him colder towards me.
He says I'm in a mood all the time, yes maybe because of the way he behaves. I said that. I apologised. I got nothing back but the usual

He doesn't give a rat's a*s about you or he would not have treated you the way he does.