How can I fix this?

tayforth

OP, my heart is breaking for you. I've been reading your posts with a feeling of enormous sadness.

I understand that you've been so ground down by this man's abuse that you can't even recognise it for what it is, you're even making excuses for him.

When I posted here, I had a mixture of sympathy and straight talking/tough love, and you know what? It was exactly what I needed.

I hope that you will find the strength to break free and, in time, you will read back over this thread and shake your head in disbelief at the treatment you endured at the hands of this sorry excuse for a human being xxx

Pechow wrote: »

I wonder if the bus photo incident bothers you so much because it's proof that he's willing to ignore other people's boundaries as well as your own. That woman would feel so violated if she'd known what he did and said about her. He doesn't care, shows off the photo, talks about her like a piece of meat to others.

Please read this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

Acting nice is part of the cycle. It does not make him a good person, a good father, a good husband... none of those things. Lovely people are nice all the time, do not threaten their partners, do not blame them for things like chatting up other women.

That 'cycle of abuse' link is so simple and so accurate. My marriage was exactly like that. And I bet that your relationship is, too.

As for taking a photo of a stranger on a bus, he's saying that his friend made him do it?? What is he, 5? Has he ever taken responsibility for his own actions?

Disgusting.

paulineb wrote: »

No its not healthy, but as I said before, people can and do get caught up in abusive relationships and those relationships end up damaging the people who are on the receiving end.

I dont know the stats but there are stats about how many times people end up going back to an abuser.

I used to work beside a girl who was abused by an ex. He was a drinker, he had mental health issues. He was jealous, she couldnt go anywhere unless he was with her. She tried to leave him on several occasions but went back and the words she used were, again like I said about my mums experience, broken.

Some people are not in strong frames of mind when they have been ground down by years of abuse. He was jailed in the end for kidnap because he used to go out of the house and lock her in and it was eventually a phone call to her family that got her the courage to get out.

Sometimes people on the receiving end of abuse go through enough without people saying, why cant you do z or y or z?

This is some peoples lives, its their reality. And sometimes people need to have a lightbulb moment and realise it is abuse rather than being told they are to blame, useless, fat, difficult. Try living with that over a period of years and see how mentally strong you are to deal with it.

And yes, my view is she needs to get out of this and get out of this asap. But thats me looking in from the outside. If it were so simple as people telling an abusive partner to go away and packing a case for them, people wouldnt stay in abusive relationships in the first place.

Very true.

Anon34 wrote: »

I have gotten legal advice before regarding the house, apparently as its my house I need to give him reasonable notice and then I can change locks etc.
I would however like him to SEE and FEEL what he's done. To understand it.
I can take responsibility for the times I have said nasty things, or hurt him.
I want him to do that.

I'm no legal expert, but AFAIK you have far more rights than that. You can put him out of the house, and change the locks. It's your house, and you're not married (thankfully). He's been physically violent towards you. Pack his bags. Tell him to leave. Call the police if he reacts badly.

Easier said than done, I know. But I did it recently, and the feeling of peace when I close my door at night is overwhelming.

xxxx

CH27

Anon34 wrote: »

Apparently I knew what he was like, I'm playing the victim. I use depression as an excuse. He wants to be able to do reasonable activites without me kicking off?!!!

Reasonable activities that probably involve other women and lying to me.

I'm heartbroken. I promised myself this was it. No more chances or excuses. I really really hoped he just say sorry I have hurt you, or give me some glimmer of hope. But it's all ... You did this you don't do that. I want I want.

I want to crawl to bed and stay there

You need to be prepared that he will probably come home looking for a fight.
Be prepared.

Anon34

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tayforth

Here's my thread.

The first few pages are painful. You'll probably recognise a lot of what I describe. In some cases we've even used the same words and phrases.

I put him out 2 weeks later (page 30).

The rest of the thread is my new and improved life since then!

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4538789

Things don't have to be like this. You deserve happiness and you can have it. It might not be easy to break free but it is SOOOO worth it.

xxx

BitterAndTwisted

Call your local police station and ask for them to attend at the time you expect him home. Tell them that you fear a breach of the peace. That you fear physical abuse from him. DO IT AND DO IT NOW!

tayforth

I would definitely advise you to have someone there this evening when he comes home.

Are you at work? Can you get get away early and take your kids to family or friends for a few hours, then get someone to wait with you until he comes home?

Your manager should be understanding about this. Most workplaces have policies on domestic abuse xx

tayforth

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Call your local police station and ask for them to attend at the time you expect him home. Tell them that you fear a breach of the peace. That you fear physical abuse from him. DO IT AND DO IT NOW!

This is good advice.

If your kids need collected, can someone else do it and keep them for a few hours?

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

Apparently I knew what he was like, I'm playing the victim. I use depression as an excuse. He wants to be able to do reasonable activites without me kicking off?!!!

Reasonable activities that probably involve other women and lying to me.

I'm heartbroken. I promised myself this was it. No more chances or excuses. I really really hoped he just say sorry I have hurt you, or give me some glimmer of hope. But it's all ... You did this you don't do that. I want I want.



I want to crawl to bed and stay there

You know one reason why I stayed too long with one ex, was because deep down, I knew he didnt care about me, yet I was hoping, hoping if I told him to !!!!!! off and leave me alone he might get a short sharp shock to himself and realise what he might lose and realise how horrible he had been.

You dont want to believe that someone doesnt give a crap about you.

And guess what, when I did tell him it was over, no phone calls, no visits to my house, nothing, silence. I was right.

Oh I got an email 4 years later saying hi how are you, but he got sent away with a flea in his ear.

You cannot make someone into a person that they arent capable of being.

Get some support from a domestic violence unit. Anything, helplines, support, counsellors people who are trained in the specifics of domestic abuse because this is what it is

And make plans to keep him well away from you. He can still see the child but he doesnt need to be within breathing distance of you.

Ask him to leave. Deal with your emotions later. Things are never as bad as they seem when leaving a toxic relationship, life gets better.

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

I can't even think straight , I feel like my insides have been ripped out.

What were you expecting from him?

I wouldnt go as far as asking the police to be there when he gets home, but one sign of trouble, call them and when they arrive tell them everything youve been suffering over the past months and longer.

You dont need to live like this, you have options.

Please take them, for your sake and your kids sake.

Anon34

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