How can I fix this?

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

I was expecting something, some sign he cared? He knows I mean it this time, and that just seems to have made him colder towards me.
He says I'm in a mood all the time, yes maybe because of the way he behaves. I said that. I apologised. I got nothing back but the usual

You have nothing to apologise for, hes the one doing the abusing.

Anon34

.............

heartbreak_star

You know in the bottom of your heart what to do.

I really don't understand why you're wasting your tears on this horrible creature. You'd rip someone a new one if they treated your best mate like this!

HBS x

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

I apologised because I have said nasty things, I pushed him away when I was ill ( I did it with everyone) and I haven't made his life easy. From my point of view that deserves an apology.

I'm living in lala land thinking he would say sorry I hurt you I was wrong to do that. Lets try.

Instead it's the usual tripe. You take things as an attack when it wasn't meant that way, you have mental health issues that are not my fault, you haven't put enough effort in.

What more can I do? I just want him to love me, for me to be enough.
Although I have always known that's impossible today has proven it for me.

I really want you to understand this, but his behaviour is toxic and unhealthy.

When I split up with my very first bf and Ive spoken about him before, things unravelled at a speed of knots in the last 6 months, he used to write me nasty letters detailing how awful I was, more than that, no physical abuse but it was all about how great he was and how awful I was and how I was responsible for all the things that went wrong in our relationship.

I used to hurt really badly and even though I was better off without him, when I saw him with new gfs, it hurt, it was hard. But he went through gf after gf.

As I said previously, his first marriage lasted less than a year. My mums phrase was, leopards do not change their spots. Hes on marriage number two now with a small kid, he got married twice within the space of 5 years and all I can say now, is good luck to her and him and I seriously hope he has changed his ways.

This isnt about you not being enough or being enough. This is someone with enormous problems himself who chooses to blame you for every single thing thats gone wrong and even though youve detailed abusive incident after incident you are still saying sorry to him,

Its not about you being enough or not, its about his inability to keep a relationship together in a productive way and deal with everyday life issues without getting abusive

And if he meets someone else and is happy with them, good luck to him and her, because I bet she would need it

And you would be free of him. Boot him to the kerb and get on with your life, he wont change and even if he did, its too late to undo all the wrongs hes done to you.

Pechow

Anon34 wrote: »

I apologised because I have said nasty things, I pushed him away when I was ill ( I did it with everyone) and I haven't made his life easy. From my point of view that deserves an apology.

I'm living in lala land thinking he would say sorry I hurt you I was wrong to do that. Lets try.

Instead it's the usual tripe. You take things as an attack when it wasn't meant that way, you have mental health issues that are not my fault, you haven't put enough effort in.

What more can I do? I just want him to love me, for me to be enough.
Although I have always known that's impossible today has proven it for me.

He never will-but when you find the strength to get away, and after you've healed, one day you can find someone who will love you (and your daughter) for who you are, and who won't abuse you and instead will support you through the hard times.

tayforth

Anon34 wrote: »

I was expecting something, some sign he cared? He knows I mean it this time, and that just seems to have made him colder towards me.
He says I'm in a mood all the time, yes maybe because of the way he behaves. I said that. I apologised. I got nothing back but the usual

He's being cold because he is starting to realise that he's lost control of you. And I worry about how he'll behave towards you this evening.

Please, now that you've sent that email, make sure that you're safe. Keep your phone in your hands at all times when he gets home, in case you need to call the police.

Where are your children? Will they be home when he gets home?

Anon34

.............

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

He emailed back to say if its acknowledgment I want he willdobthat later he was just setting out his points. However, if I'm going to be this way it's pointless and could I please stick to it this time.

Heartless, no emotion. He really doesn't give a flying you know what.

It's water off a ducks back. I have responded. Telling him to find somewhere else to live as I'm unable to continue the discussion.

I want him to tell me what I want to hear though, even now

And if he did tell you what you wanted to hear then what?
Words are cheap, its actions that matter.

paulineb_2

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior Do you:
feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
Does your partner:
humiliate or yell at you?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
criticize you and put you down?
feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
blame you for their own abusive behavior?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior Does your partner:
have a bad and unpredictable temper?
Does your partner:
act excessively jealous and possessive?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
control where you go or what you do?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
keep you from seeing your friends or family?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
force you to have sex?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
destroy your belongings?
constantly check up on you?

paulineb_2

being abused:

1. Humiliation, degradation, discounting, negating. judging, criticizing:
   • Does anyone make fun of you or put you down in front of others?
   • Do they tease you, use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you?
   • When you complain do they say that “it was just a joke” and that you are too sensitive?
   • Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings are “wrong?”
   • Does anyone regularly ridicule, dismiss, disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?
2. Domination, control, and shame:
   • Do you feel that the person treats you like a child?
   • Do they constantly correct or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate?”
   • Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even small decisions?
   • Do they control your spending?
   • Do they treat you as though you are inferior to them?
   • Do they make you feel as though they are always right?
   • Do they remind you of your shortcomings?
   • Do they belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, your plans or even who you are?
   • Do they give disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior?
3. Accusing and blaming, trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations, denies own shortcomings:
   • Do they accuse you of something contrived in their own minds when you know it isn’t true?
   • Are they unable to laugh at themselves?
   • Are they extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of them or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
   • Do they have trouble apologizing?
   • Do they make excuses for their behavior or tend to blame others or circumstances for their mistakes?
   • Do they call you names or label you?
   • Do they blame you for their problems or unhappiness?
   • Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?
4. Emotional distancing and the “silent treatment,” isolation, emotional abandonment or neglect:
   • Do they use pouting, withdrawal or withholding attention or affection?
   • Do they not want to meet the basic needs or use neglect or abandonment as punishment?
   • Do they play the victim to deflect blame onto you instead of taking responsibility for their actions and attitudes?
   • Do they not notice or care how you feel?
   • Do they not show empathy or ask questions to gather information?
5. Codependence and enmeshment:
   • Does anyone treat you not as a separate person but instead as an extension of themselves?
   • Do they not protect your personal boundaries and share information that you have not approved?
   • Do they disrespect your requests and do what they think is best for you?
   • Do they require continual contact and haven’t developed a healthy support network among their own peers?