How can I fix this?

Anon34

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balletshoes

Anon34 wrote: »

I want so much for him to be happy with me, but I can't be someone else , he deserves to be happy too.
He suggested counselling but I know it would be the same issue, me to blame. I know I keep saying it but he is a good dad. He often says if it was just me he'd be long gone, but because I'm mental he won't leave. I'm not safe to be alone with my child apparently , although he doesn't say that when I have her all day on my own while he's at work

he suggested couples counselling? good - take him up on it - now.

meritaten

why didn't you take him up on the counselling? suggest it now yourself and see what he says - does he really think he can sit there and the counsellor would say YOU were to blame? wouldn't happen Anon. but in his arrogance he thinks it would!!!!!!!!!!

Anon34

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ERICS_MUM

a few thoughts, sorry they're not elegantly written but hope they make sense. Apols if they come over as too harsh, that's really not my intention.

if this was happening to a friend of yours and she poured her heart out to you like you have done to us, what would you say to her, what advice would you give ?

Do family and friends know about this - have you told them or do they see it for themselves ? How close are you to his family and do they see how he behaves ?

has he given you support or encouragement with your pnd, losing weight etc as we all would expect a loving partner to do

Does it feel to you that he is getting "worse" ?

Do you feel "safe" with him - does he shout, throw things, make a fuss of the children at the same time as being critical of you

why do you continue to defend him to the posters on this thread in the face of what we are all saying ? What would it take before you realise that it's not fixable

if I saw any or all of these "red flags" I'd know there's a real danger of things getting worse and maybe escalating from emotional to physical abuse.

Please take care of yourself.

Linda xx

Anon34

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paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

Then he said we wouldn't need it if I'd just own up to my problems, I am having counselling of my own. But I don't think he would do it. He hopes the counselling will make me "not mental "

More chance of me being a size 8

We all deserve a bit of happiness in this life. You'll have none if you stay with him.

Sorry if that sounds blunt, but when I left my last ex, I was 36 and he was 35. He might as well have been 12 the way he acted sometimes, in lots of ways.

He was all the person he was ever going to be.

Your partner may not always have been like this, but he is abusing you.

I suffered from work related stress for a long time. Its not depression but it can manifest itself in you feeling like that and anxiety.

I got nil support from him. When we argued he used to say I had manic depression. I dont have manic depression and even if I did, it shouldnt be used as a stick to beat someone around the head with.

Sometimes people who abuse others say stuff, and they know its not true. They dont believe for a minute what they are saying but they want to get people so under the thumb and feeling so little about themselves that they wont have the courage to leave.

Looking back now, I cant believe I functioned so long with someone who treated me that badly and I cant remember the state I was in when I left. Probably not good, but I'll say something, I got over him a lot more quickly than I thought I would, because when I wasnt getting my ears bashed about what a waste of space I was (and I got all the fat jibes as well), I had peace and quiet, peace from getting the ears nagged off me all the time.
I dont have kids so I dont have those ties.

However, you dont need to live with someone for your daughter to have a stable relationship with your dad and long term, I dont think you'll be able to tolerate this, because really, there is generally a limit to how much abuse a person can take.

It is abuse, pure and simple, theres no other explanation for his behaviour.

Anon34

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paulineb_2

Yes, it does take 2 to ruin something, but sometimes the percentage is tipped seriously in one persons favour.

It probably is beyond fixable, but please believe me when I tell you if everything you have described on here is what you are going through every day, you'll be happier in the long run without him

And that doesnt mean he cant see the kids and have a relationship with them. He can.

Sometimes things cant be fixed, you know and even if they could be, sometimes people have already done too much damage to another person for things ever to be right again.

I spent years trying to mend a relationship that was beyond repair. And then I left and it was the best thing I ever did. If Id had any sense, Id have done it a good few years sooner.

Anon34

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