How can I fix this?

MrsE_2

Anon34 wrote: »

We live in my house, so I don't have to worry about that. But I really want things to be better, from his point of view I changed when I got pregnant , I suppose I did shut him out but it was the beginning of a very horrible period of depression. He claims I'm not depressed just lazy. If I had sex more he wouldn't do what he does ( he would I overheard him discussing a friends ex and what he'd like to do to her when I was 6 weeks pregnant.
I want to be what he wants, but I fear I'm never going to be.
He's not a bad person, I worry the situation we are in is turning him that way though. I know it has made me into an angry insecure jealous mess

Stop blaming yourself.
Normally I wouldnt suggest walking away from a marriage, espically with kids, easily - but this idiot, urgh, kick him out.

balletshoes

Anon34 wrote: »

Everyone else finds him a lovely person, he says I have made him this way. My behaviour and pushing him away have turned him into this person, so if I just be happy kick start a sex life it will all be fine.
I have a gut feeling it won't.
I know he settled for me, his exes have all been much more attractive and slim than me. I want to be what he wants. Which he says I am but then behaves like this?
Recently I have switched off completely I go to gym or swimming to help me lose weight, which means I'm having an affair apparently ? I realise this is a disaster but its my life it that makes sense.
And like I said he works hard and is a brilliant dad.

you know i could pick this apart - he didn't settle for you, and everyone else doesn't find him a lovely person - that woman on the bus that he took photos of would think him a complete and utter slimeball.

and he isn't a brilliant dad if he's causing you such pain by his words and his actions. I know you're kidding yourself about your relationship, but don't kid yourself that your daughter won't be affected by this toxic mix. She will.

laurel7172

I used to be depressed.

I used to think I was lazy/worthless/unattractive. I even believed my OH when he told me his affairs were my fault.

Emotional abuse is insidious. It sneaks up on you. It starts as a hurtful remark here, a put down there, until everything you do or say is an excuse for more abuse. But by then, you've been convinced (after all, you've been told often enough) that no one else will have you. You've probably isolated yourself from your friends (he doesn't like them, does he?). It saps your strength, destroys your ability to see things clearly. If it goes on long enough and successfully enough, you become your own abuser...you put yourself down even when he isn't there to do it...

I don't know what I can say to you to make you see what's going on. But it was my children that clarified things for me. I simply loved my daughter too much to let her think her father's cruelty was a normal or acceptable part of a relationship. Ask yourself-what would you want your daughter to do? xx

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

We live in my house, so I don't have to worry about that. But I really want things to be better, from his point of view I changed when I got pregnant , I suppose I did shut him out but it was the beginning of a very horrible period of depression. He claims I'm not depressed just lazy. If I had sex more he wouldn't do what he does ( he would I overheard him discussing a friends ex and what he'd like to do to her when I was 6 weeks pregnant.
I want to be what he wants, but I fear I'm never going to be.
He's not a bad person, I worry the situation we are in is turning him that way though. I know it has made me into an angry insecure jealous mess

This relationship is toxic, please try and get out of it. I was in a really toxic relationship for 7 years, no kids and didnt live together.

He cheated on me twice and I got called all the names under the sun regularly, everything was my fault, all the time, I was to blame for everything.

I wasnt. I was probably to blame for some of it, no one is perfect. But he had issues relating to me and I suppose to lots of women that couldnt be fixed unless he had some serious counselling/therapy.

I know part of the reasons why he was the way he was, I just couldnt be in a relationship like that any longer. When I think back what I put up with, just how many times being with him made me feel insignificant, small, worthless, useless, like I had nothing, no confidence.

I think I must have been visited by aliens who took away my ability just to boot him to the kerb and get him out of my life.

Either you and he go for some really serious couples therapy and he gets some help for the way hes relating to you and I suspect to most women, or, well I cant see a way forward.

You cant live like this indefinitely, it will seriously affect your mind if you stay with someone like this.

meritaten

Anon34 wrote: »

Hi
Looking for some constructive advice on how to solve my oh and I relationship problems? I can't see a way to fix this

My OH and I have had numerous issues over the years we have been together with him contacting women online or via text, which he claims is innocent but continues to hide and delete. I found him commenting on a sleazy website with pics of naked wives etc. However, the recent incident has really shaken me.
Whilst out on a bus my OH took a few photos of a women, unbeknownst to her might I add and posted them online to his friends saying how she was jaw droppingly gorgeous, wow never seen anything so hot etc.
I found this out and explained how disrespectful I found it.

His response was that his behaviour is caused be me. Appantly we don't have sex enough. ( mostly might I add because he told me I "put him off" as I'm not as into it as his ex was, he also told me I was boring in bed, and his ex was much better than me.
I have no confidence left. And tbh I find it hard to be anywhere near someone who behaves like a randy teenage boy. So in my mind I don't particularly want to have sex with someone who doesn't find me attractive or appreciate me.
I'm almost at the end of my tether with it all. But then I think maybe it is my doing, I had really bad pnd after our daughter was born and have put on weight (I'm losing it though). I just find it hard to be intimate with someone who makes me feel so carp.

We argue all the time. I don't want to spend time with him, he constantly puts down the way I bring the kids up and our last big argument he told me he hates me, wishes he never met me. And it would be better if I just killed myself ( suicidal thoughts were a problem for me in my worse depression episodes)

I must add I can't be easy to live with although my depression is now 80% better.

Any advice welcome

Thanks

Its interesting that you start your post asking 'How can I solve ....'. In a relationship there isn't an 'I', there is a 'We'!

You are taking all the problems in your relationship on your shoulders and taking the responsibility for 'fixing' them.

Short answer - You cant 'fix' the relationship on your own. It takes two.

Would your partner agree to counselling? to sitting down and talking about feelings? to own up to being at least 50% at fault? if all answers to these are yes then you have a good chance - if no to all - sorry, but I don't think you can do it on your own unless you become a 'Stepford Wife'. That is a completely subservient and a willing sex slave.

You have rights in the relationship too - the right to be treated as a human being...........from what you post, your rights are disregarded.

Anon34

.............

victory

Anon34 wrote: »

I worry about the kids seeing the arguments, they have turned physical at times( on both sides I should add) but lately I walk away, he follows me tearing my covers off my in bed demanding to know who I'm seeing. Then usually throwing things at me.
We are toxic together I know that but he keeps saying sex will fix it or if we talk. But talking is a 2 hour lecture on my faults and how I'm to blame.

Thank you to everyone for advice, I am taking it on board

Toxic ness is not a relationship

meritaten

Anon34 wrote: »

I worry about the kids seeing the arguments, they have turned physical at times( on both sides I should add) but lately I walk away, he follows me tearing my covers off my in bed demanding to know who I'm seeing. Then usually throwing things at me.
We are toxic together I know that but he keeps saying sex will fix it or if we talk. But talking is a 2 hour lecture on my faults and how I'm to blame.

Thank you to everyone for advice, I am taking it on board

Your first paragraph Anon - That is ABUSE! and grounds for divorce.

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

Everyone else finds him a lovely person, he says I have made him this way. My behaviour and pushing him away have turned him into this person, so if I just be happy kick start a sex life it will all be fine.
I have a gut feeling it won't.
I know he settled for me, his exes have all been much more attractive and slim than me. I want to be what he wants. Which he says I am but then behaves like this?
Recently I have switched off completely I go to gym or swimming to help me lose weight, which means I'm having an affair apparently ? I realise this is a disaster but its my life it that makes sense.
And like I said he works hard and is a brilliant dad.

People who are abusive are often very well liked by family and friends.

One of my exes is on marriage number 2. A different ex from the one Ive spoken about, but also horrible to me, not in the entire relationship but for about the last 6 months, everything went downhill at a rate of knots

And guess what, again I was to blame for everything. He was just about perfect according to him.

His first marriage lasted less than a year. It didnt surprise me.
Unless people get help and unless they make a real effort to change their ways, people will go from relationship to relationship making people suffer.

I wonder what your partner was really like to his exes. He can still be a brilliant dad, but you dont need to be with him.

This isnt about you, its about him and it doesnt matter how lovely he is to the entire planet, its you hes abusing.

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

I worry about the kids seeing the arguments, they have turned physical at times( on both sides I should add) but lately I walk away, he follows me tearing my covers off my in bed demanding to know who I'm seeing. Then usually throwing things at me.
We are toxic together I know that but he keeps saying sex will fix it or if we talk. But talking is a 2 hour lecture on my faults and how I'm to blame.

Thank you to everyone for advice, I am taking it on board

One of my exes said sex would fix things as well, if we had more sex we would become closer. What a load of utter tripe.

By that time I didnt want to sleep with him as I resented him so much for the way he treated me.

I can relate so much to the post youve made there, because I heard all that as well.

Seriously, you have so much more to offer than being stuck with someone who goes on at you like this.