How can I fix this?

paulineb_2

I think the hardest thing for me, and Im a bit of a soft touch, I give out advice to everyone I know but Im rubbish at taking my own, when I actually care about someone, I dont want to hurt them.

I spent a long time trying to fix that last relationship, he was told over and over again, mend your ways or Im off and then things would change for a week or two, if that.

But never enough, it was all half hearted. And when I think of some of the horrible things he said and did to me over the years, I think why on earth did I stay.

And I also think, when you are with someone, in the beginning, when its fine, you dont see it coming, your emotions are involved, hang on, someone who told me they loved me and wanted to marry me, as one of my ex bfs did, is now being horrible to me, cold distant, slagging me off to everyone and anyone.

Things dont go from 100 per cent ok to 0 per cent in 5 mins, generally theres always a bit of a slide and for me, Im sitting thinking, how did it get to this?

And thats when people who are so lovely and so charming, you think, how can they be treating me like this, when they arent so lovely and so charming anymore and thats when something kicks in when you think, it must be me and if thats getting repeated to you, its you, you are this that and the next.

Took me a long time to get my head around the fact that one of my longest relationships was abusive and that it wasnt my fault. I was told over and over that it was, in person and in writing. And you start to believe it.

And sometimes there isnt a lightbulb moment where you think aha Im being abused here, its just a misery drip drip drip where you wake up one morning and think, I cant go on being this miserable.

And for me, I figured that if I was lonely, sad, miserable. Id be no worse off than being with someone who also made me feel like that.
At least I would have my freedom. And we all deserve that, we deserve a bit of peace, quiet, freedom and self respect.

And to have people we care about respect us as well and we might not always get the respect we deserve, but if something is seriously toxic, you have to get out. If its not fixable, you have to end it.

Its not healthy to be in a relationship where you are constantly undermined, not valued, abused and if there are elements of physical abuse as well?

How can there be any way back from that? Its your happiness and your kids happiness thats at stake here, you deserve better than this.

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

Thank you all x
It's nice to hear I might not be as mental as was thought.
I have alot of thinking to do and a lot of talking to do. I wish I had a magic wand

You arent mental at all. In time, hopefully you will see this.

Do you have any support, family, friends, that you could trust to let them know just how bad life at home is?

Because if you do, please take it, you cant carry all of this without getting some support from people who care about you.

LannieDuck

I think this is a windup. Anon, I'm sorry if you're telling the truth, but what you describe is so bleak and your OH so lacking in moral compass that I just don't believe it.

Anon34

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Anon34

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geoffky

It is not a wand you need but a good pair of running shoes...This is game over and you know it but at the moment you have not accepted it...
Get yourself back and your life back on track..

paulineb_2

LannieDuck wrote: »

I think this is a windup. Anon, I'm sorry if you're telling the truth, but what you describe is so bleak and your OH so lacking in moral compass that I just don't believe it.

If I started a thread saying some of the stuff Id been through in detail, you probably wouldnt believe me either.

There are many women and men out there who are in abusive relationships and it can take people a long time to break free.

And until someone actually turns around and says, Im making this up, they should get as much support as anyone else on this forum who posts about difficulties they are having in their relationship.

andygb

Anon34 wrote: »

Well thanks. But unfortunately this is my life.
I'm sorry for posting if that's how it's come over.

Thank you to those who took the time to comment

Keep your chin up, because you deserve better than this.
You have to take control of your life and move on, surround yourself with friends and family who make you feel good, and then get the confidence to meet new people.
You can then move on to a new, fullfilling relationship, whilst your "ex" can surround himself with virtual reality.

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

Well thanks. But unfortunately this is my life.
I'm sorry for posting if that's how it's come over.

Thank you to those who took the time to comment

Dont be sorry for posting. It takes courage to admit to a bunch of strangers online just how bad things really are for you.

marisco_2

LannieDuck wrote: »

I think this is a windup. Anon, I'm sorry if you're telling the truth, but what you describe is so bleak and your OH so lacking in moral compass that I just don't believe it.

When someone is suffering in an abusive relationship, what they fear most is not being believed, when they finally find the courage to turn to others and confide in them what is going on. At that time they need people willing to listen and to offer support and guidance not to question their honesty and suggest it is all a windup.