Updated post 100: Sorry this is long. Awkward love life :(

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Just flippin pick up the phone and call J.

miss_independent

paulineb wrote: »

You are 29, adult. You can do what you like, with no interference from anyone.

Its a date, one date. A drink or a cup of coffee or a film. It doesnt need to end in engagement, marriage or even a long term relationship.

I agree with the poster who said, there was a long gap in between you seeing J, you havent spent a long time in his company for quite some time.

What would happen if you found out next week that he was seeing someone else and you let the other person go?

It really is quite simple. Take all the feelings you have for J aside, forget them for now. If you like K enough to go on a date with him do it. If you dont, dont.

You do not need to live your life protecting someones feelings because he liked you and your parents wouldnt let you date him.

It also doesnt mean you cant ever be friends. You cant tell the future but I think you are massively overcomplicating what should really be a straightforward decision.

I like K enough to want to go on a date with him.

I want to forget about J. Seriously. Please someone tell me how. Also dating one of his family members could be hard because somehow I'm always going to hear about J when really whats best is that I forget about him. I'm at the point where if its never going to happen between us then tbh I wouldn't want to see J again because I could probably act like his friend but I can't see myself ever truly feeling that way.


I hope it doesn't seem like I'm big headed and I think everyone fancies me. I genuinely don't. As I say, men never approach me. The only two who have in years just happen to be related.

Idiophreak

miss_independent wrote: »

I want to forget about J. Seriously. Please someone tell me how.

Closure. One way or the other. It's the only way you're going to stop the "what ifs" and move on. Pick up the phone and call him.

Pechow

You say men never approach you, but do you ever approach men?

From what you've written about J, it sounds like you like him just because he seems like a safe option-you think he likes you, he's the only one who's ever looked at you in a certain way, etc. He's apparently one of the only guys who has liked you (believe me, there are more guys who liked/like you than you'll know about), so you like him back for it. You remember good times and how he was, but that's not necessarily how he is now. It sounds like you're crushing on an idealised version of him you've built up in your head more than anything else. How much about him now do you really know?

If you feel like you'll regret not knowing, or need to find out one way or another if the feelings are real, just ask J out. You said he was shy, so maybe he never had the courage to ask you either, rather than not being interested. Honestly though, I would suggest you go out with K. It doesn't have to mean anything comes of it, but even if nothing did, it could be good for you-you get experience with dating a bit, learn a bit more about what you're looking for, and actually having the experience might make you less interested in J. Or it could give you the confidence to ask him, who knows!

paulineb_2

miss_independent wrote: »

I like K enough to want to go on a date with him.

I want to forget about J. Seriously. Please someone tell me how. Also dating one of his family members could be hard because somehow I'm always going to hear about J when really whats best is that I forget about him. I'm at the point where if its never going to happen between us then tbh I wouldn't want to see J again because I could probably act like his friend but I can't see myself ever truly feeling that way.


I hope it doesn't seem like I'm big headed and I think everyone fancies me. I genuinely don't. As I say, men never approach me. The only two who have in years just happen to be related.

It is possible to go through life and have feelings for people who dont feel the same way in return, or if they do, timing is awful.

Theres nothing wrong with this, you are human, but at the moment what you seem to be doing is trying to think of reasons not to go on a date with K and thats totally fine.

Just be aware that in a few months time you might be sitting kicking yourself thinking why didnt I go on that date.

J has had enough time to ask you out again, he hasnt, it doesnt mean he doesnt like you, but you cant waste your life on what might have beens.

BlondeHeadOn

Gloomendoom wrote: »

I would go for K and hope that L,M,N,O,P & Q don't turn up and spoil it all.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

This just made me laugh so much, thank you!

marisco_2

miss_independent wrote: »

I want to forget about J. Seriously. Please someone tell me how.

You have had strong feelings for this guy and built up a favourable impression of him over a very long time period. From what you have said on here this emotional pull toward him is unlikely to change until you know exactly where you stand with him. The only way to confirm that would be to contact him and see how he feels too. If you dont do that I think you will be left in your current state of confusion and uncertainty over how to move forward. Which isn't great for you and seems to trouble you.

kitschkitty

OK... Poor J has been rejected by you/your family 2/3 times but you keep expecting him to chase after you (i.e ask you out) never mind the fact he's had other things on his plate. We're not in the dark ages any more, women shouldn't expect men to do all the running & asking out. I appreciate it is very hard, when you are both shy, but if neither of you does anything then nothing will ever happen. If you like him (and never mind if it's a real connection between the 2 of you, or just a fantasy of him as prince charming in your head), ask him out, or at least talk to the poor guy.

If you feel you have to make up a reason to call/text/visit, because of your shyness, fine. Just do it. Seems to be the whole family aspect & 2nd bloke is just the catalyst (and to a degree an excuse) not to contact/go on a date with anyone.

The worst that can happen is you have a bad date with one or both of them, or no dates at all! Nothing that's going to kill you. The best thing is that you could end up with a new partner, and a new friend too. You have to go for it under your own steam, as an adult, not rely on anyone else to intervene (because at some point that could be interfere not intervene)!

miss_independent

Ok everyone have had some fresh air and a think...

*If K gets in touch I will go out with him. If K doesn't get in touch, I will pop a note through his door with my mobile number to let him know if he ever needs someone to show him round town (he's recently moved here from Oz) then give me a ring. S was going round to his immediately after she spoke to me so hopefully she hasn't told him I'm in love with J or something.

*I've spent more time with K than I have with J in the past 18 months. K is hot and made me laugh. K seems like good fun. We have similar interests. K wants to go out with me. He is more confident than J (and me). 2011/2012 was very tough for me and I didn't get to smile much. K is lighthearted, this could be good for me.

*From what S and J's Mum say J is not in a good place. If he is strugglling to leave the house (this is because of depression stemming from the fact that he is going blind and there is nothing can be done to save it) then he most likely will not be in a good place and a relationship will be the last thing on his mind. Next time I see his Mum, I will offer to help as a friend and as that only because I don't feel right about him being so isolated. I'm not on Facebook btw.

* No, I've never asked a man out and I've never approached a man. As simple as I must sound I just never thought they would be interested in me because they never showed interest in me. I should add, that every single day from age 9 to 15 I was told I was ugly, I was a mistake, no one would ever want me, I'd be a lousy lay and this was mainly by males etc etc. I know you will say don't let the past hold me back etc but needless to say for a very long time I just accepted everything I was told about myself was true. I have been challenging that and can see now that there are good things about me too. But approaching a man still isn't easy for me. I am trying though.

* I don't expect J to run around after me. I don't think my parents were wrong in saying 13 was too young to go out with a 16 year old and the same with 15/18. I didn't directly reject J at 19 - he just saw me texting my boyfriend seconds before he was about to ask me out (according to his brother). He had assumed I was single. Later (age 26 to now) I would have told him how I felt about him had we not been interrupted everytime we started to talk more seriously. I can accept, given our bad timing, thats its just not meant to be. I do feel I know him far better than some of you have given me credit for though. But as I say, I'm just trying to put him to the back of my mind.

tesuhoha

I've just been reading this and I think that if J is going blind then he might feel that he would be a burden to a woman.