Updated post 100: Sorry this is long. Awkward love life :(

Birdie85

Give J a call and say how you missed seeing him at the family do and would love to catch up, offer him that option to vent to you about his problems and make him aware that you've suffered too and know a little about how he's feeling. You may find that he's changed a lot since you last saw him and your feelings for him are for someone who no longer exists and in that case you'll be 'released' and ready to date K with a clean slate. If he's just as wonderful as you remember, then great, I hope he likes you back. Either way, I think this is something that needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later.

Joons

miss_independent wrote: »

I told S that I couldn't believe she was trying to set me up with K when she has been trying for years to set me up with J. She said "Well J likes you too. And J's Mum wants nothing more than for you two to get together." I said, "I like J too" She said, "J is very different to K. He is very gentle." (don't get dirty minds , I said, "I know, that's what I like about him." There was a big pause and she said, "Look they both like you and you've got to have one of them." Then she tried the big sell on K. I ended up saying I'd have whichever one decided they wanted me first. I know, stupid, idiotic miss_indie :cool:.

Mmmmm, "they both like you very much" - but only K has actually made any kind of move towards asking you out, J hasn't and tbh, she would say that possibly to not hurt your feelings.

miss_independent

Joons wrote: »

I'm not entirely sure your feelings for J are real, sorry, what I mean is when is the last time you actually spent any time with this guy, it sounds to me it's all been whilst growing up, what do you know about him now apart from his illness. Perhaps these feelings are what's causing you not to enter into a new relationships or perhaps it's been convenient to use him as a deterent (maybe you're a bit scared of dating again?). Don't let a romantic memory stop you from finding Mr Right, if J had been, you'd have found out by now, as has been said, if a guy is interested, he lets you know.

18 months ago. We are just very on the same wavelength, same sense of humour, I love being around him, I'm physically attracted to him, he's complimentary towards me and shows a genuine interest in me and my life. But yes, its AGES since I saw him and everytime I felt he was about to ask me out or kiss me, one of our families would appear and start teasing us. And we are both quite painfully shy. So many times we've been so near yet so far. Its really frustrating.

tea_lover wrote: »

Are they feeling for J though? Or feelings that may have been projected onto J? From what you've said it sounds like you were close when you were children, but you haven't actually seen him for a good while now. When we get on with someone initially but then don't see them again there's always the possibility of building them up into a sort of "one that got away".

I know it sounds harsh (and I totally don't mean to be) but you and J have had a lot of time to get things together and neither of you have even made a move. It just seems like a bit of a non-starter.

ETA: cross posted with Joons.

As I say, I haven't seen him for 18 months. Every time I have seen him since I was 18/19, I've had feelings for him but it revved up when I was 26. When I first saw him again when I was 26 I just thought, "oh, there's J, I used to fancy him" and nothing else. Then when we got talking and spent more time together, that was it. And as cheesy as it sounds, no one has ever looked at me the way he had always looked at me. Again, I thought maybe he would ask to meet up but as we walked to the car our families started making fun of us.


I do think my feelings are genuine as they are based on experiences I've had with him and knowledge of who he is as a person. I can't see that he would have completely changed in 18 months.

How would I know if my feelings aren't genuine? And how do I forget about him?

miss_independent

tea_lover wrote: »

!!!!!!??! Why?

Lol cos she's in love with me too!

miss_independent

Joons wrote: »

Mmmmm, "they both like you very much" - but only K has actually made any kind of move towards asking you out, J hasn't and tbh, she would say that possibly to not hurt your feelings.

J approached my parents twice but because of the age gap they said no. He tried again when we were 19/22 when he came back from uni, but I'd already met my first love.

For YEARS, I never let his Auntie know how I felt about him. Today was the first time I really admitted it to her. AFTER she said he liked me.

I wish I'd never met J.

Gloomendoom

I would go for K and hope that L,M,N,O,P & Q don't turn up and spoil it all.

LannieDuck

It sounds as if you're totally hung up on J. Ask him out, find out one way or another, and then move on with your life... one way or another.

paulineb_2

You are 29, adult. You can do what you like, with no interference from anyone.

Its a date, one date. A drink or a cup of coffee or a film. It doesnt need to end in engagement, marriage or even a long term relationship.

I agree with the poster who said, there was a long gap in between you seeing J, you havent spent a long time in his company for quite some time.

What would happen if you found out next week that he was seeing someone else and you let the other person go?

It really is quite simple. Take all the feelings you have for J aside, forget them for now. If you like K enough to go on a date with him do it. If you dont, dont.

You do not need to live your life protecting someones feelings because he liked you and your parents wouldnt let you date him.

It also doesnt mean you cant ever be friends. You cant tell the future but I think you are massively overcomplicating what should really be a straightforward decision.

Fag_ash_lil

If i was in your position and presuming J has a mobile phone ... i would ask S for Js number and text him .... just try asking him how he is ... and hopefully if he replies , you can just go with the flow of the conversation ...

If you are too shy / embarrassed to actually ring him , you might find it easier by text ? ...

terri x

DaftyDuck

You are in danger of not giving K a go because he isn't J, and not being 'brave' enough to follow up on J... so you'll leave with nothing, to paraphrase Anne Robinson. (face-lift )

You say you've lost confidence in men, and that's probably paralysing you to a certain extent. Whatever you do, do one or the other (that came out wrong... follow up one or the other... )

Frankly, since K has obviously expressed interest (in an older woman... that takes a bit more than shallow interest in my book), I'd suggest you happily chat him up over a coffee, and see how it goes.

Even if it only helps you overcome your self-confessed 'painfully shy' self-confidence enough to pick up the phone a week or so later to contact J.

Why not? Enjoy the attention. Although your original post implies that men don't ask you out, etc, here are two showing interest. Sure you've not been missing other blokes hints?

Go on, work your way through the alphabet. Then, if necessary, start at the beginning again.

B