Updated post 100: Sorry this is long. Awkward love life :(

miss_independent

Hi all...

If you've read my previous threads you will know that I've not had much luck with men. If you don't know short story is - I turned 29 recently, I've been single for nearly seven years, first boyfriend turned out to be gay, then my first love cheated on me with my friend. I haven't been asked out since I was 18, men don't approach me blah blah blah...

Lack of a love life has been getting me down this week as I've been getting interrogated by several different people as to why "a girl like me" (whatever that means) is still single. I feel like I can't answer the truth, that after being single so long, I've kind of lost confidence with men.

There is a bit of another issue and this is where it gets complicated so bear with me on this one. We have a family friend (S) who is a bit like my auntie. She has two nephews on her husband's side and growing up, I used to play with them. I always had a crush on the eldest one (J) as he was so lovely to me. He is three years older and as a teenager wanted to go out with me but my parents felt it wasn't appropriate ( when I was 13 and J was 16 and again at 15 and 18). We lost touch when J went to uni and the next time I saw him I was 19 and thought he was just like Prince Charming but I was with my first love at the time. His family and mine said he really liked me. But we didn't see each other for years after as I went to uni.

I didn't see J again until 2 years ago, at a wedding. Something happened to me when I saw him again - I don't know, I was just smitten and felt this longing to spend more time with him. It wasn't lust..it was just this very deep feeling that he was the one I wanted to be with. Again, he was giving off all the right signals to me too, the feeling seemed to be mutual. I was only able to go to the service as I had to work so had to leave early - we had very little time together and as we were saying goodbye, our families showed up and made things very awkward for us, and he is a shy guy. I was hopeful he would get in touch but he didn't. S (his auntie) called to say he really liked me and I admitted I liked him too but nothing ever came of it. I've thought about him alot ever since and compare most men to him. Its hard but I've been trying to forget him and move on as, for whatever reason, it just hasn't happened between us. Over the past 18 months he has had very bad and unexpected physical health problems so he has had alot to be dealing with and he hasn't been going out much.

S called me and invited me to a family event at the weekend. I went, honestly, in the hope J would be there. I was shaking as I was getting ready and had to keep reminding myself to get a grip. I turned up and J wasn't there but his Mum was and we get on very well - she has always said she wishes I was her daughter and I think she is amazing. My heart went out to her as she is gutted about J's health, we spent most of the evening together - obviously I didn't say anything about my feelings for J because that would have been entirely inappropriate.

This is where it gets complicated. S's nephew on her side (J is from her husband's side) was at this BBQ too. He has just emigrated here from Australia (his Mum is English) and S asked me would I keep an eye on him (K) as he didn't know most people. My first impressions were that he was really nice looking, good sense of humour, we got on well but "ha ha, typical me!" what a shame that he is only 18. J's Mum seemed a little jealous as K stuck with me the whole night and at one point she asked me if I wanted her to leave us alone. To which I said, "No, I'd rather stay with you!". Being only 18, I felt very "maternal" towards K and did a good job of looking after him. I drove J's Mum and K home. End of story.

Or so I thought. S called this morning ( J and K's Auntie) to ask me what I thought of K, did I "like" him. I burst out laughing and said don't be ridiculous I'm 30 next year! She replied that I don't look it and she HAD to know if I was interested in him because he was very interested in me and he would have asked me out but he saw my very fancy ring and assumed I was married. It was on my right hand not my left! I again laughed and said "S, he is EIGHTEEN!"

"No he's not, he's 25!" :eek: He's 26 this year, so only 3 years younger than me.

Now what do I do?! My feeling for J are still very strong. I thought K was cute but I'd have to get to know him better before I knew if we were right together. They are both S's nephews. J's mother was there when I met K. If it never worked out with K, J would probably think I was a tart who went out with half his family and would never give me a chance.

Add to this the fact that I NEVER get asked out and I want to date. Why are the only two men who have shown interest in me in the past decade related?! Although, K and J have never met.

Should I turn K down because of my feelings for J? Even though it may never happen with J? Help.:(

fashionlover10

I say go for it with K!

J has had plenty of time to ask you out and he hasn't yet so he has no right (IMO) to be annoyed at you for going on a date with K.

Let your hair down, stop worrying and enjoy a date.

pesky85

Give K a chance, life is too short If it doesn't work out, and you and J are meant to be, a few harmless dates with K shouldn't matter.

miss_independent

Thanks! This is what my head is saying - "its only a date! Let go and live a little!"

But my heart sinks and I'm not sure if its that I feel I'm betraying J or myself because of my feelings for J. My stomach is in knots.

ETA: My New Years Resolution was to go on a date. Didn't matter who asked me. Just say yes. But I didn't think it would be J's cousin who'd ask.

tea_lover

Go out with K. If it was going to happen with J, chances are it would have done by now. K is keen, go for it!

HeadAboveWater

I agree with the above posters. Go for it with K. It may work out really well, or one (or both) of you may decide 'nope! no thanks!' and that's the end of it.
But why spend even more of your life waiting around for your Maybe Mr Right?

And you're not betraying anyone - you're single!!

Birdie85

Why can't you just ask J out rather than waiting for chance meetings where you may or may not get to speak to him for a couple of minutes? If he says yes, great! If not, then you can put those feelings to bed and give K a chance.

Since J has had these health problems he's probably thinking that you won't want anything to do with him, you'll make him feel amazing by showing that you're still interested enough to ask him out.

miss_independent

I think I'm scared too. My friend has been single for 9 years and she recently said she feels like she wouldn't know what to do anymore if a guy asked her out, she wouldn't know how to behave on a date or (in her case) even how to kiss, let alone the other stuff. I feel the same minus the kissing ( if you've read my terrible kisser thread you'll know why!) but I said to her the only guy I feel it wouldn't be awkward with was J. I feel so comfortable with him, nothing would be weird.

I mean, I felt comfortable with K too but that was when I thought he was 18 lol. I felt like his mother pmsl! If I'd known he was 25 I would have acted like a total freak. God J's mother must think I'm such a hussy.

Idiophreak

Am I missing something? Why can't you just pick up the phone and say "Hi, J...I just wondered if you'd like to go for a drink some time and catch up?"

If you get shot down, you can go out with K to make you feel better - but it seems quite pointless doing the K thing while your mind is elsewhere...you have to bring the thing to a head so that you can get closure if nothing else.

ETA: sorry, Xposted with B85...

tea_lover

Have you actually seen J / had any direct contact with him at all in the last 2 years?

daisiegg

Just out of curiosity, what made you think he was so much younger than he is?