Updated post 100: Sorry this is long. Awkward love life :(

marisco_2

miss_independent wrote: »

Should I turn K down because of my feelings for J? Even though it may never happen with J? Help.:(

Men are quite simplistic when it comes to relationships, they dont mess around. If they are interested in getting to know you and seeing how things could evolve they make that clear to you. This hasn't happened with J despite there being time and opportunity for that to have been the case. I think it would be unwise to put your life on hold wondering if this may happen one day, turning down the chance to get to know someone who could be a good match for you.

Before deciding to contact K you should sort out how you really feel about J though. At the moment you are carrying a torch for him and compare other guys to him. It wouldn't be very fair to any person you were dating if your thoughts and feelings were focused on someone else. This would also make it very difficult for you to try to get to know someone, see how you feel about them and to decide whether things could progress into a relationship.

Dating hey, who would do it! It would be so much easier if it was a given that those we liked automatically liked us back. Best of luck and I hope things work out for you whatever you decide to do.

miss_independent

I don't really feel it would be fair to knock K back, he hasn't done anything wrong and I know guys are sensitive about rejection. I'd also feel the need to tell him that I'm only turning him down because I fancy his cousin in law who he has never met and that would be be extremely embarassing.

I've never felt the way I feel about J before. I've tried to tell myself that 'he's just not that into me" and forget about him. Perfect way to get over J would be to go out with someone else. Which is what I've been trying to do. But these pesky feelings for J won't go away!

Idiophreak

miss_independent wrote: »

If K hadn't been around, I would have probably spoke a bit deeper with J's mum as I've had long term physical health problems too (though I'm much better now) and I would have suggested that if J wanted someone to vent to or whatever, who wouldn't judge, I'd be happy to chat with him. I wish I had now. Stupid miss_indie.

...so give her a call and say that.

People seem so afraid to just say what's on their mind these days, and I really don't get it...You've said yourself that you'd like to help him, irrespective of your feelings...and it seems that you might be able to help him by chatting to him...

"Hi Mother J, was thinking about what you said about J at the wedding and just thought I'd mention..."

Life's too short to not say stuff you want to.

Joons

miss_independent wrote: »

I don't really feel it would be fair to knock K back, he hasn't done anything wrong and I know guys are sensitive about rejection. I'd also feel the need to tell him that I'm only turning him down because I fancy his cousin in law who he has never met and that would be be extremely embarassing.

I've never felt the way I feel about J before. I've tried to tell myself that 'he's just not that into me" and forget about him. Perfect way to get over J would be to go out with someone else. Which is what I've been trying to do. But these pesky feelings for J won't go away!

I'm not entirely sure your feelings for J are real, sorry, what I mean is when is the last time you actually spent any time with this guy, it sounds to me it's all been whilst growing up, what do you know about him now apart from his illness. Perhaps these feelings are what's causing you not to enter into a new relationships or perhaps it's been convenient to use him as a deterent (maybe you're a bit scared of dating again?). Don't let a romantic memory stop you from finding Mr Right, if J had been, you'd have found out by now, as has been said, if a guy is interested, he lets you know.

tea_lover

miss_independent wrote: »

But these pesky feelings for J won't go away!

Are they feeling for J though? Or feelings that may have been projected onto J? From what you've said it sounds like you were close when you were children, but you haven't actually seen him for a good while now. When we get on with someone initially but then don't see them again there's always the possibility of building them up into a sort of "one that got away".

I know it sounds harsh (and I totally don't mean to be) but you and J have had a lot of time to get things together and neither of you have even made a move. It just seems like a bit of a non-starter.

ETA: cross posted with Joons.

miss_independent

stir_crazy wrote: »

Or it might make him realise what he's missing and might spur him on to make a move. He could hardly blame you for going out on a date. Has S told you what she thinks?

I told S that I couldn't believe she was trying to set me up with K when she has been trying for years to set me up with J. She said "Well J likes you too. And J's Mum wants nothing more than for you two to get together." I said, "I like J too" She said, "J is very different to K. He is very gentle." (don't get dirty minds , I said, "I know, that's what I like about him." There was a big pause and she said, "Look they both like you and you've got to have one of them." Then she tried the big sell on K. I ended up saying I'd have whichever one decided they wanted me first. I know, stupid, idiotic miss_indie :cool:.

LannieDuck

Did you like K? If so, give it a go.

You haven't spent a lot of time with J in years - you've probably built him up in your head to be something he isn't.

However, if you really feel you can't give K a chance because of J... you need to get off your butt and do something about it! I know it's hard, and you're making yourself really vulnerable by asking J on a date, but if you don't, you'll never know.

tea_lover

miss_independent wrote: »

"Look they both like you and you've got to have one of them."

!!!!!!??! Why?

LannieDuck

miss_independent wrote: »

I told S that I couldn't believe she was trying to set me up with K when she has been trying for years to set me up with J. She said "Well J likes you too. And J's Mum wants nothing more than for you two to get together." I said, "I like J too" She said, "J is very different to K. He is very gentle." (don't get dirty minds , I said, "I know, that's what I like about him." There was a big pause and she said, "Look they both like you and you've got to have one of them." Then she tried the big sell on K. I ended up saying I'd have whichever one decided they wanted me first. I know, stupid, idiotic miss_indie :cool:.

Oh, well in that case it's not that hard to ask J out!

Your choice - give one of them a call and make their day

podperson

miss_independent wrote: »

If K hadn't been around, I would have probably spoke a bit deeper with J's mum as I've had long term physical health problems too (though I'm much better now) and I would have suggested that if J wanted someone to vent to or whatever, who wouldn't judge, I'd be happy to chat with him. I wish I had now. Stupid miss_indie.

Surely that gives you a very natural 'in' though to ring him or even his mum and say that since talking to her you've been thinking about it and if he wants to talk to someone who's been there etc. Do you have him on email/fb etc if that might be a little less awkward for you then picking up the phone or dropping by?

Tbh I'm not sure that some of the earlier comments may not be right and you're more in love with what you've built up around him rather than the actual person. But I also think that unless you do at least make an effort to see if he's interested then you'll always be wondering and it will hold you back with other guys as they'll never be able to 'match up'.