Updated post 100: Sorry this is long. Awkward love life :(

paulineb_2

miss_independent wrote: »

I think I'm scared too. My friend has been single for 9 years and she recently said she feels like she wouldn't know what to do anymore if a guy asked her out, she wouldn't know how to behave on a date or (in her case) even how to kiss, let alone the other stuff. I feel the same minus the kissing ( if you've read my terrible kisser thread you'll know why!) but I said to her the only guy I feel it wouldn't be awkward with was J. I feel so comfortable with him, nothing would be weird.

I mean, I felt comfortable with K too but that was when I thought he was 18 lol. I felt like his mother pmsl! If I'd known he was 25 I would have acted like a total freak. God J's mother must think I'm such a hussy.

Does it actually matter what people think, its your life. And I dont know why people need to be bothered too much about being single, you've been single some time, now someone has come along and asked you out, you either go, or you dont.

All first dates are a bit awkward I think, its entirely up to you who you see or dont see.

However, I would be wary of building someone up that you really dont know very well, as if they are a perfect person for you and no one else really would compare.

Hes had two years to ask you out, no one could blame you for dating someone else if someone asked you.

miss_independent

Birdie85 wrote: »

Why can't you just ask J out rather than waiting for chance meetings where you may or may not get to speak to him for a couple of minutes? If he says yes, great! If not, then you can put those feelings to bed and give K a chance.

Since J has had these health problems he's probably thinking that you won't want anything to do with him, you'll make him feel amazing by showing that you're still interested enough to ask him out.

J practically hasn't left the house for the last year (he is very down about his illness). We aren't close enough for me to just pop round to his to say Hi so I'm not sure how to ask him out. I haven't seen him in 18 months.

You've hit the nail on the head about how he feels about himself. From speaking to his Mum, he feels very down about his future. He is very "masculine" and the type that would want to be a provider and source of strength within a family. Knowing him, he'd be feeling that he wouldn't have anything to offer anyone right now.

Even putting my feelings aside, I'd love to somehow help him but, as I say, I only tend to see him at family things and he is staying in most of the time now.

podperson

miss_independent wrote: »

J practically hasn't left the house for the last year (he is very down about his illness). We aren't close enough for me to just pop round to his to say Hi so I'm not sure how to ask him out. I haven't seen him in 18 months.

You've hit the nail on the head about how he feels about himself. From speaking to his Mum, he feels very down about his future. He is very "masculine" and the type that would want to be a provider and source of strength within a family. Knowing him, he'd be feeling that he wouldn't have anything to offer anyone right now.

Even putting my feelings aside, I'd love to somehow help him but, as I say, I only tend to see him at family things and he is staying in most of the time now.

If you have known him for such a long time and get on so well with his mum then would it really be so weird to pop in? Could just say you were in the area and after chatting to his mum the other day were wondering how he was doing. Or pick up the phone first and have a chat if that seems too scary. Even if you don't manage to ask him out straight away then with his current issues he would probably really appreciate someone reaching out and expressing an interest.

Regarding the other guy, it's up to you. You're single so aren't answerable to anyone, but the fact that you're so worried about J's reaction to it suggests that anything with K would only be a second best type of thing.

miss_independent

paulineb wrote: »

However, I would be wary of building someone up that you really dont know very well, as if they are a perfect person for you and no one else really would compare.

Hes had two years to ask you out, no one could blame you for dating someone else if someone asked you.

I do know him very well though - our families are very close and J and I have known each other since I was 9. We just didn't see as much of each other after I went to uni until two years ago. I wouldn't say I've built him up... I feel like I know who he is pretty well.

I have been trying to let go. If it wasn't a member of his family, I wouldn't hesitate in saying yes. I suppose I'm just worried that going out with K means shutting the door forever on J.

And what if I have to go to a family thing and J and K are both there...

I know I'm being stupid. I'm usually very sensible...just not when it comes to J.

miss_independent

podperson wrote: »

If you have known him for such a long time and get on so well with his mum then would it really be so weird to pop in? Could just say you were in the area and after chatting to his mum the other day were wondering how he was doing. Or pick up the phone first and have a chat if that seems too scary. Even if you don't manage to ask him out straight away then with his current issues he would probably really appreciate someone reaching out and expressing an interest.

Regarding the other guy, it's up to you. You're single so aren't answerable to anyone, but the fact that you're so worried about J's reaction to it suggests that anything with K would only be a second best type of thing.

If K hadn't been around, I would have probably spoke a bit deeper with J's mum as I've had long term physical health problems too (though I'm much better now) and I would have suggested that if J wanted someone to vent to or whatever, who wouldn't judge, I'd be happy to chat with him. I wish I had now. Stupid miss_indie.

Yes... its not fair to write K off because he isn't J is it? I don't want to write ALL men off because they aren't J. Maybe I should give K a chance :cool:.

paulineb_2

The other option is to forget the date with K and see how J feels.
The problem is, when you like two people or you think two people may like you, you are never going to know that you are making the right decision.

My view is, if someone really did want you, they would make those feelings known, two years is more than enough time to wait and see if someone is going to ask you out as far as Im concerned.

Its only a date, no more no less, who you date is entirely up to you.

bluenoseam

Think of it like this, how awkward would it be if you said no to this chance only for the other one to turn round next time you see them with a wife in tow? (I'm not very good with memory, all this J/K confused me a bit!)

So it's the other guys cousin, big whoop, if he's got half a brain about him he'll understand that if he wanted a crack he should have taken it himself, like you've said, he had long enough to make a move!

miss_independent

daisiegg wrote: »

Just out of curiosity, what made you think he was so much younger than he is?

I don't know :rotfl:

He just seemed young, bless him. Cheeky, lad type. I don't know why I came up with 18! I though S had said she had a nephew who was very handsome but only 18 so I just assumed she meant K because I'd never met him.

Joons

Go out with K, no doubt about it, J's had years to capture you and hasn't made a move so clearly not too bothered if some other casanova grabs you, sorry, but you sound more in love with the idea of being in love with J rather than real feelings of what and how he's made you feel, you don't actually know him. His illness too might be a problem so go out with K and see what happens, good luck.

stir_crazy

miss_independent wrote: »

I suppose I'm just worried that going out with K means shutting the door forever on J.

Or it might make him realise what he's missing and might spur him on to make a move. He could hardly blame you for going out on a date. Has S told you what she thinks?