Updated post 100: Sorry this is long. Awkward love life :(

Pixiechic

If in doubt, don't text. I agree, that it's okay to reply tomorrow if you reply at all.

Sorry that your date didn't go very well. You'll find someone though

The way you wrote about the kiss, I couldn't help giggling. A peck on the chin :rotfl:

Tayforths right, it will be a good chat with your friends!

miss_independent

Zazen999 wrote: »

He didn't seem worried about knocking your confidence by not even dressing in smart clothes or talking to you about anything other than himself. Doesn't sound to me like he has confidence issues.

Lol I could have overlooked the clothes (and the slept on hair) had he not boasted about his bad boy ways and acted like a complete tw*t.

Its weird, I don't think he is confident but he did some pretty confident things... like kiss me against my will :mad:.

Also at one point he made a really cocky comment. I thought we had both been to the same event when we were younger, it was a case of crossed wires and he added, "I think if we were both there, you definitely would have noticed me ."

I said with the greatest innocence,

"I don't "

He said,

"C'mon, you wouldn't have picked me out? "

And I said,

"No. There were quite alot of guys there. "

I think I'd rather ignore the text. I don't want to take a chance that he might text me back!

miss_independent

Pixiechic wrote: »

If in doubt, don't text. I agree, that it's okay to reply tomorrow if you reply at all.

Sorry that your date didn't go very well. You'll find someone though

The way you wrote about the kiss, I couldn't help giggling. A peck on the chin :rotfl:

Tayforths right, it will be a good chat with your friends!

Lol. It's not the first time this year I've ended up with a man's saliva on a part of my face other than my lips. Last time it was my nose, this time my chin. It's like pin the tail on the bloody donkey! The funniest thing is at school I was always teased about my full lips (they used to say I'd had collagen implants and call me Angelina and Sucker Fish :cool:) so its not like you can't see where you aiming :rotfl:.

marisco_2

Cant some phone providers block texts coming through from a specific number?

bluenoseam

Don't worry about being a cow, it'd be significantly worse if you try to dress it up nicely & be flowery about it - tell the truth & be blunt about it, by the sounds of it you don't need to worry about him being "sensitive to rejection". It might have seemed pretty plain to you that you weren't interested, but guys aren't complex & we don't do subtlety, so chances are he wouldn't have got the message unless you told him straight up!

As for the rest of it, don't take this the wrong way, but as a man if I'm going on a first date chances are I'm going to dress as comfortably as is possible. Most of the time that's going to include jeans & a t-shirt and well, in 28 years I'll be damned if I've ever managed to get my hair in order yet! You didn't do anything wrong, you just happened to find someone who lacked the tact or ability to understand what's going on - newsflash, plenty of them around!

(and by the sounds of it, I'm one of them - explains a lot!)

But keep trying, some day you'll find someone who's not a jerk, if it was easy there'd be no single people around would there!

miss_independent

bluenoseam wrote: »

Don't worry about being a cow, it'd be significantly worse if you try to dress it up nicely & be flowery about it - tell the truth & be blunt about it, by the sounds of it you don't need to worry about him being "sensitive to rejection". It might have seemed pretty plain to you that you weren't interested, but guys aren't complex & we don't do subtlety, so chances are he wouldn't have got the message unless you told him straight up!

As for the rest of it, don't take this the wrong way, but as a man if I'm going on a first date chances are I'm going to dress as comfortably as is possible. Most of the time that's going to include jeans & a t-shirt and well, in 28 years I'll be damned if I've ever managed to get my hair in order yet! You didn't do anything wrong, you just happened to find someone who lacked the tact or ability to understand what's going on - newsflash, plenty of them around!

(and by the sounds of it, I'm one of them - explains a lot!)

But keep trying, some day you'll find someone who's not a jerk, if it was easy there'd be no single people around would there!

Lol thanks for the honesty, I always appreciate a guys point of view. I've text him back this morning, saying "thanks for the meal, I was glad I went and was able to find out more about you. I didn't really feel we had much in common though and, though you are a great guy :cool::o, I just didn't feel we connected. Good luck for (event that is happening this week) - I hope everything works out for you in the future."

I know...too nice...I can't help it and that's how I get myself in these situations!

Re: Jeans and T-Shirt etc, that's great...I honestly don't mind and to be honest, on a first date, unless its somewhere really fancy, I wouldn't expect a guy to be anything but casual. I'd be freaked out if he turned up in a tuxedo or something! But, it would be nice if it was maybe one of your nicer pairs of jeans and a nicer t-shirt than you might wear to like Tes-co or something. Because I'm not a supermarket. He looked like he had been in bed until I text him saying I was outside and then he'd thrown on whatever was the least dirty at the bottom of the laundry hamper. He looked like a teenage boy, really really baggy jeans, old baggy white t-shirt like you'd wear under your shirt and a really minging old black hoodie. He was wearing aftershave but he looked dirty. And he kept scratching. I know I really do sound like a b!tch now but I'm kind of trying to help... I'm all for being comfortable and I think its so important you feel comfortable in what you are wearing on a first date BUT if a guy doesn't make an effort at all it can make a girl feel like we weren't worth making an effort for. And on a first date being made to feel that way doesn't bode well for a prospective relationship.

It was so hot last night I didn't get a wink of sleep... I have to say, I'm actually glad I went on this date. It's made me realise what I am looking for and maybe see that I deserve a little more than what I've put up with in the past.

E.g. In all my relationships, I never once got a Christmas or Birthday present, or a even a note on Valentines Day, or flowers or anything and I always went dutch and never expected anything at all from them. I always got them presents, cards etc, made the effort to pay for travel expenses, tried to make things special for them, surprised them etc. I never even got as much as a cup of tea made for me but would wait on them hand and foot. I told myself this was ok, I wasn't materially minded, I was a "cool" girlfriend. I'm still not materially minded but I do think little notes or small "saw this and thought of you" gifts are nice or just even if I wasn't feeling well to bring me a cup of water - basically little things to show I'm cared for too.

My ex thought nothing of watching !!!!!! in front of me from very early on in our relationship. One day my friends were in the room with us and he was blatantly watching !!!!!! on the computer in the room, and made no effort to turn it off. My friends were horrified that he thought that was ok and they asked did I not find it disrespectful that he did that in front of me and my friends. I acted very non-chalant and said it was ok, I know what men are like, those girls aren't real, I'm a cool girlfriend etc. I patiently listened while he would talk about how fit other women are and talk about what he wanted to do with them etc. Later it was drugs and drink addiction that I turned a blind eye to. Then sleeping with my best friend. If he'd have hit me, I probably would have still tried to make things work. I didn't believe I was worth more.

Being single for so long, I've not had to put up with any of that. I know its not normal now to give so much and expect so little and I'm not some insecure young girl anymore. I'm still prepared to give but I want someone to give back too.

My younger self would have given K a second chance because she was so desperate to be loved and feel like a man wanted her. I'm so glad I'm not that person anymore. There was something about the way K looked at me like I was a buffet and he didn't know which part he wanted to go for first and the way he showed no interest in me as a person together with all the constant swearing and boasting about his illegal antics, and using me as a taxi service which made me finally admit to myself that I deserve someone who respects me and respects the fact that I do a pretty good job of looking after myself.

I'm not going to be with someone out of loneliness or desperation. I am fine on my own and as I say, if I find myself in a situation where I meet a very special man then I would reconsider the whole being a spinster with 14 cats thing that I have resigned myself to. But for now...I'm happy as is.

Also back to J for a second. One of the first things my Mum said after I told her how badly things had gone with K was, "Oh my God...I'm so sorry for you. I can't believe it. You know ...J would never have treated you like that, its just a shame things didn't work out for you." and that made me realise why I did have such deep feelings for J. Because he was the first guy to ever treat me with respect and show genuine interest in me as a person, he went out of his way to look after me for many years. Don't worry, I still know we don't have a future but if he is the benchmark for how I'd like a man to treat me then better him than one of the other men from my past.


Wow...I've revealed way too much but, hopefully, you'll understand why I have. I doubt I'll be talking about my love life on here much more. You've all helped me. My turn to use my experiences to help others now.

spirit

marisco wrote: »

Cant some phone providers block texts coming through from a specific number?

No (I work for one of those providers)

tayforth

miss_independent wrote: »

Lol thanks for the honesty, I always appreciate a guys point of view. I've text him back this morning, saying "thanks for the meal, I was glad I went and was able to find out more about you. I didn't really feel we had much in common though and, though you are a great guy :cool::o, I just didn't feel we connected. Good luck for (event that is happening this week) - I hope everything works out for you in the future."

I know...too nice...I can't help it and that's how I get myself in these situations!

Re: Jeans and T-Shirt etc, that's great...I honestly don't mind and to be honest, on a first date, unless its somewhere really fancy, I wouldn't expect a guy to be anything but casual. I'd be freaked out if he turned up in a tuxedo or something! But, it would be nice if it was maybe one of your nicer pairs of jeans and a nicer t-shirt than you might wear to like Tes-co or something. Because I'm not a supermarket. He looked like he had been in bed until I text him saying I was outside and then he'd thrown on whatever was the least dirty at the bottom of the laundry hamper. He looked like a teenage boy, really really baggy jeans, old baggy white t-shirt like you'd wear under your shirt and a really minging old black hoodie. He was wearing aftershave but he looked dirty. And he kept scratching. I know I really do sound like a b!tch now but I'm kind of trying to help... I'm all for being comfortable and I think its so important you feel comfortable in what you are wearing on a first date BUT if a guy doesn't make an effort at all it can make a girl feel like we weren't worth making an effort for. And on a first date being made to feel that way doesn't bode well for a prospective relationship.

It was so hot last night I didn't get a wink of sleep... I have to say, I'm actually glad I went on this date. It's made me realise what I am looking for and maybe see that I deserve a little more than what I've put up with in the past.

E.g. In all my relationships, I never once got a Christmas or Birthday present, or a even a note on Valentines Day, or flowers or anything and I always went dutch and never expected anything at all from them. I always got them presents, cards etc, made the effort to pay for travel expenses, tried to make things special for them, surprised them etc. I never even got as much as a cup of tea made for me but would wait on them hand and foot. I told myself this was ok, I wasn't materially minded, I was a "cool" girlfriend. I'm still not materially minded but I do think little notes or small "saw this and thought of you" gifts are nice or just even if I wasn't feeling well to bring me a cup of water - basically little things to show I'm cared for too.

My ex thought nothing of watching !!!!!! in front of me from very early on in our relationship. One day my friends were in the room with us and he was blatantly watching !!!!!! on the computer in the room, and made no effort to turn it off. My friends were horrified that he thought that was ok and they asked did I not find it disrespectful that he did that in front of me and my friends. I acted very non-chalant and said it was ok, I know what men are like, those girls aren't real, I'm a cool girlfriend etc. I patiently listened while he would talk about how fit other women are and talk about what he wanted to do with them etc. Later it was drugs and drink addiction that I turned a blind eye to. Then sleeping with my best friend. If he'd have hit me, I probably would have still tried to make things work. I didn't believe I was worth more.

Being single for so long, I've not had to put up with any of that. I know its not normal now to give so much and expect so little and I'm not some insecure young girl anymore. I'm still prepared to give but I want someone to give back too.

My younger self would have given K a second chance because she was so desperate to be loved and feel like a man wanted her. I'm so glad I'm not that person anymore. There was something about the way K looked at me like I was a buffet and he didn't know which part he wanted to go for first and the way he showed no interest in me as a person together with all the constant swearing and boasting about his illegal antics, and using me as a taxi service which made me finally admit to myself that I deserve someone who respects me and respects the fact that I do a pretty good job of looking after myself.

I'm not going to be with someone out of loneliness or desperation. I am fine on my own and as I say, if I find myself in a situation where I meet a very special man then I would reconsider the whole being a spinster with 14 cats thing that I have resigned myself to. But for now...I'm happy as is.

Also back to J for a second. One of the first things my Mum said after I told her how badly things had gone with K was, "Oh my God...I'm so sorry for you. I can't believe it. You know ...J would never have treated you like that, its just a shame things didn't work out for you." and that made me realise why I did have such deep feelings for J. Because he was the first guy to ever treat me with respect and show genuine interest in me as a person, he went out of his way to look after me for many years. Don't worry, I still know we don't have a future but if he is the benchmark for how I'd like a man to treat me then better him than one of the other men from my past.


Wow...I've revealed way too much but, hopefully, you'll understand why I have. I doubt I'll be talking about my love life on here much more. You've all helped me. My turn to use my experiences to help others now.

Wow. What an amazing, inspirational post. I think that it should be a sticky! You've clearly been through a lot in the past, and well done on recognising that. You deserve better than the way your exes treated you, and it's true that you're better off single than with someone who doesn't treat you with respect.

You come across as very articulate and intelligent, and you tell your story very well. On s lighter note, your descriptions of the date, the attempted kiss and K's outfit were very funny, I was cringing in horror!


Would love to hear more from you, Miss Independent

LannieDuck

I'm sorry it went badly, but well done for giving it a chance. Don't worry too much about knocking his confidence - some people are so self-obsessed that it can take a direct approach to get through to them. From your description it sounds as if he may be one of them.

paulineb_2

miss_independent wrote: »

Sorry folks...

It's one of those date horror stories .

As you can probably tell from the time, it didn't go too well. I couldn't wait to get away.

There is a Bistro in a beautiful country estate near us - its a bit like a National Trust place with grounds you can walk in. As it was a beautiful evening. We decided to go there - it was my suggestion. Anyway, as we were texting arrangments, he text me saying - "You'll have to drive me.". He didn't ask, just told me. He only lived round the corner so I couldn't see why he couldn't walk but I still thought, ok give him a chance.

I don't know how to say this without sounding big headed, please don't think I am. I looked as nice as I could, in a natural way. I wore a pretty but simple sundress, very natural make up and had done my hair nice. My friends and family had been popping in the house all afternoon and I got comments that I looked, "perfect", "had got it just right" etc. I was confident I looked nice . When I pulled up outside his door, he took a while to come out and when he did, he was dressed really shabbily (not at all like he was at the BBQ). He honestly looked like he had rolled out of bed. In fact I think he had. He was actually dressed like a scruffy teenage boy. I'm sorry, I know I sound like a b*tch, what I'm trying to say is he had made NO effort at all. In my head I berated myself and said that the way he looked had nothing to do with how nice a person he was.

Within 3 seconds of our date he had said the F word a few times. I tried to tell myself this was just nerves but it did turn me off. His language the whole time was foul.

Within ten minutes he started boasting about recreational drug use and told me he had done a runner to the UK to escape his debts. He later confessed to stealing for fun and told me about his parents crazy sex lives. The whole time he spoke about himself. I had asked the usual questions and shown interest in his life hoping he would reciprocate but he did not ask me one question about myself nor did he offer me a compliment in any way. I did try to praise him as much as I could and was sympathetic, polite and caring. He laughed at my jokes but quickly got back to his favourite topic - himself and his crazy life. I actually feel very sorry for him, nobody deserves the kind of life he had and to be honest its going to be hard for him to turn it around. I sense he is sensitive to rejection and I hope he doesn't take the fact I don't want to see him again too hard.

He kept trying to get close to me, and I started to feel really uncomfortable. Part of my job includes analysis and intentional use of body language so I tried my best to show I didn't want to get close to him (leaning back and away, crossing arms in front of me, avoiding prolonged eye contact etc). I don't see HOW he could have misread that. Our waiter caught me eye and chuckled at me as he could tell we were on a first date and it wasn't going well. Anyway, he still persisted and touched my leg. I decided to plan my exit strategy. After two hours, I said I was sorry but I had to meet some friends later on so I would have to go.

He seemed surprised! I could tell he thought things were going really well. I thought he was walking back to my car but to my surprise he got in! So he assumed I was just automatically giving him a lift home. In the car, he kept talking about "next time" and I was thinking that I didn't know how to tell him I really don't want to see him again. I didn't say anything when he was saying, so confidently, about "next time" as I didn't want to lead him on. As we pulled up outside his house, he just sat there. He wasn't getting out. I said, "Thank you for meeting up with me and for your conversation. Enjoy the rest of your weekend." He asked me when we were going out again, when I was free. I know I shouldn't have done this but I felt quite vulnerable alone in the car with him so I said, I didn't have my hours for this week and I couldn't let him know. He looked a bit shocked, like this was his first inkling that it hadn't went well to me. He said, "So why is it you had to leave again? What is it you are doing now?". I lied as convincingly as I could. Again, I tried to bring it to an end.

I was so uncomfortable, I was practically pinned against my car door as I didn't want to be close to him. He finally said, "Well, Bye then." and started looking into my eyes and leaning in. I knew what was coming so I attempted to turn so he'd get my cheek but he saw what I was trying to do and he kissed me on the lips. Except he missed and got my chin :cool:. This is one bad kisser I am NOT intending to reform. He finally got out the car, again referring to "next time" :mad:.

I drove away feeling disgusted. I don't want to hurt him though so I am praying he doesn't contact me again.

So there we are. No J, DEFINITELY no K and I am weLL P Od!



How many frogs does a girl have to kiss?

Disgusted? I know it didnt go well, but reading that. If someone turned up on a date with me wearing jeans and a T shirt, Im assuming thats what he was wearing, I wouldnt criticise them for that.

Also, reading everything else youve written, I think you possibly built him up to be something he wasnt on the basis of one conversation.

And yes, its terrible when things dont go to plan and Im sorry you felt uncomfortable.

But people are who they are, comparing him to this other guy isnt the answer either, you could have a date with him and it could be all pear shaped as well or it could have been wonderful.

And if I had picked someone up even if it had been under duress, Id drop them off home, disastrous date or not, theres no way, unless someone had been the worst person on planet earth that Id go out for a date with someone and leave them there.