Sometimes struggling with sense of loneliness and isolation; anyone else?

balletshoes

wildswans wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

I read once (I think a lady who had been widowed, although I can't remember who) - said she did not miss somebody to do something with, she missed somebody to do nothing with, and that is what I am talking about and I think some of the other posters here. No matter how much you do, it's always set up against the backdrop of an empty house. I have just had Sunday lunch with my friend and her family - am home now, alone and I will stay that way until tomorrow morning. Yes, I am sure some of you will tell me I SHOULD do X, Y and Z but I might not want to but still want company!

And, before anyone says I am some hugely extroverted person who can't BEAR to be alone for a minute, that isn't what I am saying at all. But it is difficult if you have a full 24 hours every week, is all.

This might have been mentioned before wildswans, do you have any pets for company?

paulineb_2

justme111 wrote: »

Then one would be alone and lonely. Not everybody is lucky to have a relationship which is fulfilling , it does not mean that it is not an ideal state of things which would be an answer to those lonely times.

At the risk of my post being picked apart yet again, this is what was said, that someone would be alone and lonely if a relationship ended that wasnt right. I disagreed. I didnt misunderstand anything that was said as far as Im concerned, I simply disagreed with the point that if you are alone, you by default have to be lonely. And I still disagree with that point.

The last time I looked it was ok to have an opinion and the reason I brought relationships into it, bad or otherwise is because I dont agree that having a relationship will necessarily make someone happy. As I said before that is an awful lot of burden to place on someones shoulders.

Im feeling a bit lonely so you can fulfill the bits that are missing and then I wont be lonely. And I absolutely understand that yes, sometimes people meet people and if they have been a bit lonely or feeling alone, they have someone to do something with.

But I dont believe any single person on this planet should be looked upon by someone to be an answer to lonely times, because relationships end. People move on. People get bored with one another. People have relationships that are abusive.

And at the other end of the scale people have relationships that work and that are very happy and of course I would imagine a lot of people would want that kind of relationship. But I still say that if someone really wants to be less lonely, they get out there, they meet people of both sexes, they widen their friendship circle and then they are probably more likely to meet someone of the opposite sex. And if you are comfortable with your life the way it is when you are on your own, a relationship is going to enhance your life, its not going to make up with the bits that are lacking. I know more than one friend in a very unhappy marriage which they have no intention of getting out of, I would suspect that even in my most lonely moments, Im probably happier than they are. The fact is, you have no idea what a relationship is going to bring to your life until you are in it.

And if I have misquoted and misunderstood someone again, I can live without that getting pointed out to me, because I have no idea why we are now talking about rotten apples and to be honest, Ive better things to do than sit and argue about whether someone agrees, disagrees or who has misunderstood who.

Im entitled to my opinion, you are entitled to yours, lets leave it at that.

justme111

Replying ops question - yes I would think feeling as you do is absolutely normal in given circumstances. Ideal would be finding a romantic interest . If you can not then doing the best you can with what you have is an answer. I known someone who had a virtual relationship with woman from USA for a year , she was calling him like everyday and they had countless hours of skyping. Not only you feeling lonely.

collectablebabe

I too am struggling with loneliness and isolation. I lost my husband early in January, I'm struggling with the grief of loss and the utter feeling of no point to anything. I've managed to go back to work, which keeps me focused on things other than that for some part of the week. My friends and family have been supportive, but even when they're around or I'm out with them I still feel so alone and lost without him.

The weekends and evenings are worst, as I tend to be on my own most of the time then. We used to do everything together and I was his carer for the four years of his illness. I now have to learn to be on my own, and do things on my own.

My situation is different to yours, but I can understand how you feel

paulineb_2

wildswans wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

I read once (I think a lady who had been widowed, although I can't remember who) - said she did not miss somebody to do something with, she missed somebody to do nothing with, and that is what I am talking about and I think some of the other posters here. No matter how much you do, it's always set up against the backdrop of an empty house. I have just had Sunday lunch with my friend and her family - am home now, alone and I will stay that way until tomorrow morning. Yes, I am sure some of you will tell me I SHOULD do X, Y and Z but I might not want to but still want company!

And, before anyone says I am some hugely extroverted person who can't BEAR to be alone for a minute, that isn't what I am saying at all. But it is difficult if you have a full 24 hours every week, is all.

Im not going to tell anyone they should do anything or should feel anything. Ive lived on my own more or less for the last 18 years. So my life is also set up against a backdrop of an empty house. And yes, sometimes that can be tough, Ive found it particularly tough when Ive been going through stuff like losing a family member. You would like to have someone around you.

However as I keep saying, it would have to be the right person. For me anyway. Id rather sit in my flat on my own than be in any old relationship (and I'll risk people thinking thats what I think people want, its not).

But, if people cant be satisfied or at least content with the life they have, single or otherwise, then I do think its about time people changed things. Because sitting wishing that things were different, isnt going to change anything.

And sometimes we need to count our blessings. You've just had lunch with your friend and her family? Some people dont have anyone to go to at anytime. You have people in your life who care about you and want to spend time with you, thats a massive positive.

Of course society expects people to pair off, settle down. For the people who dont, it can be tough going out there at times.

A friend of mine posted on facebook the other day, Im going to copy and paste it
Xxx
Quote for the day.....
'For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?' And whenever the answer has been "No" for too... many days in a row, I know I need to change something.'
- Steve Jobs
Live like there's no tomorrow. Tell the people you love that you love them. Stop hanging out with people who feed your insecurities, say things that make you doubt what you trust and believe in. Surround yourself only by the people and events that make you feel good. Do something you've been putting off, that makes you happy. Take pleasure in the simplest moments and when you're low, pause...... there is always something to be grateful for.... find it! Your circumstances do not define you, your attitude does and that's yours to adjust whenever you want!!


And there have been times in my life when everything has felt like its tough going and sometimes we cant see beyond how we feel at that particular moment, but there are so many people out there right now who probably are going through tough stuff, more than us, but sometimes we dont see that because of our own stuff.

I posted on another thread about something that happened to me last year, well to my family. My gran had died at the end of 2010 and life was pretty tough. I spent 2011 grieving and I didnt do much and just as I was getting back on my feet, something happened to a member of my family that could have had serious legal consequences for them, something that absolutely wasnt their fault. And we had 7 months of just existing, getting through each day, before it was sorted out.
No joy, not an ounce of happiness, just trying to get through every day and exist and hope that all would be well.

And just as that came to an end I ended up in a situation at work that affected me massively. I spent a large chunk of my life, not going out, not socialising with people and it took just about everything I had last year to get off my backside and get out, meet people, have a social life.

And no, my life hasnt massively changed as a result of that, but at least Im out there meeting people halfway. And I didnt do that for a long time. Living on my own doesnt bother me, spending time in my own company, I can do that no problem. But sometimes you have to try and find the balance of what works for you, thats all it is, everyone sees the outside world a bit differently, some people need other people around them a lot, others dont and sometimes depending on what else is going on in your life you might need people at more points in your life than at other times.

It can be tough being on your own. It can be lonely, it can feel like the world always has something to do and we dont. But we dont know how other peoples lives are, what their baggage is and how they feel at any point in any given day.

And sometimes, you have just got to try and make the best of the life that you have, no more and no less. The bottom line is, we all have power to make changes for ourselves. Sometimes what we lack is the courage to do it. And I absolutely know how that feels. But if some people are single and on their own for some time, magic wands arent going to change it, you have to deal with the life circumstances you find yourself in and if you want to, take steps to try and find that someone you want to be with.

barbarawright

I don't think there's anyone who lives alone who doesn't sometimes think it would be nice to have someone to potter around with, watch Strictly, read the Sunday papers with, that sort of thing. I certainly do. But I don't want that enough to actually live with someone and it has made me more active online than I otherwise would be. Not sure what the answer is though unless you make friends with your neighbours.

Cloudydaze

"she did not miss somebody to do something with, she missed somebody to do nothing with"

Thanks Wildswans. This has summed my life up up exactly.

saterkey

yes feel very lonely at times, out of work for a year now, waiting for ideal job that never comes, losing or lost confidence to apply for most stuff now, go out meet people half the time. So very quiet during the day, night weekends. On the positive have a family partner, a few good friends, volunteer occasionally, a few hobbies, like to read etc. Some days up some days very down, and feel sad. Recent interviews have zapped confidence for a bit again, till I build myself back up to do another one. It happens to the best of us, I spend time online, get through my to do list, look for free socialising things to do and basically try to stop myself from going to that place by changing the subject or thing im doing. If im busy during the day I find I need less company at other times and im much better, so more job hunting it is.
hope you find your thing which stops you going to that lonely place. its sound like you need a 'best friend' that you can ring up and have quick chat or cup and tea at short notice. They are hard to come by as we get older I find.
good luck

[Deleted User]

Wild swans, Having read your thread through, I totally understand where you are coming from and can identify with how eloquently you put things.

I am lonely, am often lonely and despite being quite busy at times, still have feelings of loneliness. Again not through boredom.

I wanted you to know that YES, there is someone else who feels like you.

fluffnutter

It's interesting to read the conflicting opinions about whether being single brings loneliness.

I felt very lonely before I met my husband and am immeasurably happier now that I have him (and even lovelier, a little baby now too). But for me, it wasn't about not having someone to do stuff with; in fact I'm a real loner and I was perfectly content filling my own time.

For me it was that I felt I had a lot of love to give and I felt sad that I had no one to benefit from that love. It was like a fundamental part of being human wasn't able to flourish. That's just my personal view, btw. It's not a comment on being single per se. We're all different and I'm just trying to explain how I felt, not how everyone should feel.