Sometimes struggling with sense of loneliness and isolation; anyone else?

Fag_ash_lil

wildswans wrote: »

Yes, absolutely; thank you for understanding! Unfortunately, when you try to explain what you are feeling to people, they misunderstand and start to tell you things that they think you should be doing. It has happened on this thread, despite me explaining that I am not actually short of things to do, people seem to think "I feel lonely" equates to "I am bored." They are not the same things!

I totally agree with what you have just said ... Unless somebody has been in the same position then I really don't think a lot of people realise what it is like to feel lonely and they therefore equate it to being bored ... when it is totally different ...

Some people just don't seem to understand that you can have lots of friends , be busy ... and still feel very lonely ...

As for the answer ... well i really don't know ... but i feel the same way ... so if you find it then let me know.

terri x

fluffnutter

Perhaps you have dysthymia..

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysthymia

wildswans

Fag_ash, yes, I don't think that there are answers, as such, it's a problem linked to my age and the average age of my friends and therefore the circumstances we are in!

Justme, with respect, on the limited information I have provided, I don't feel you can know what sort of life I have had or what I have had to endure. I have in fact suffered quite a lot of bereavement in my life, losing both parents in my teens, which was in fact quite traumatic and I don't feel I need to "look at life in a different light."

I don't want it to sound as if I am defending my position - but just as it is normal to crave silence when you are permanently surrounded by loudness, peace when you have noise, it is natural to crave companionship when you have none. I only really intended the thread to see if I was the only one and while I greatly appreciate people's kindness in replying, most of the suggestions are either not possible or practical or I am already doing, to some extent. Being alone most of the time does not equate to an unfulfilled hobby-less life. My dad was very lonely after my mother died, despite working full-time and having so many hobbies (golf, rambling, etc.) he was difficult to pin down! He also suffered from the "lonely in a crowded room" syndrome, as I call it!

Counting_Pennies_2

I am really not sure there was a point in posting my reply or indeed others. I felt for you as I too have gone through the feeling you described in your opening post and thought it would help posting my response but instead I find that you are determined to inform us all we haven't a clue how you feel and with respect we are wrong.

Everyone has different circumstances not one life is the same. There are however similarities and people are trying the empathise and give the ideas that helped them through their situation. I too had a dreadful end to my teens, dealt with loss and found myself alone when others around me were starting their lives together. I had no need to search for a relationship but that enforced weekend and holiday time was tough and lonely. Despite being very busy in my life the loneliness was still there and my solution was to start various hobbies and courses to coincide with those quite lonesome times.

If you want to be unique that is brilliant but don't post for ideas and discussion if you just want to say we have not got a clue

wildswans

Counting pennies, I apologise as that wasn't my intention at all. However, what I was wondering was whether others sometimes felt as I did and to discuss that, not advice on how to keep busy and it was those suggestions I was trying to steer away politely, as unfortunately discussions of this kind can very quickly descend into "if you're lonely, join a club" sort of advice which while kindly meant is really not very helpful I am afraid.

In fairness I do not think I have ever used the phrase "you do not know what you are talking about" - I did (courteously) point out to one poster that they did not know what I had experienced in my life which I feel was a perfectly fair comment to make in the context of the reply.

I am sorry for your loss, and pleased you found a way to deal with it. I am now in my mid-thirties and the loss of my parents was over two decades ago (mother) and fifteen years ago (father) and I do consider myself "over it" for want of a better word; while I miss them, I have successfully built a life for myself with a fulfilling career, many friends, interests and so on. Yet from time-to-time, especially weekends, I do sometimes feel a bit lonely. Is that so wrong? I don't think it is but it is a topic that inevitably seems to elicit a certain amount of irritation and annoyance in others; I am not sure why? Perhaps it is because in the busy world we live in people see time alone as something to be craved, or perhaps on some level people fear it could happen to them too, so insist it can be avoided, always. I am not so sure that this is true.

However, I apologise once more if I was rude, as I certainly did not start the thread to make enemies!

aliasojo

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

If you want to be unique that is brilliant but don't post for ideas and discussion if you just want to say we have not got a clue

I think that's a wee bit unfair.

The OP feels a certain way and feels some posters have 'got it' and some not so much. He/she is just trying to convey that, I think.

The OP is lonely at times, I daresay it would be important not to add misunderstood onto that also which is why he/she is striving to be clear about his/her feelings and thoughts?

That said, I do see why people are posting suggestions of what to do or try and I think the OP is being a tad short sighted in dismissing them as being 'solutions for boredom'. They might start out under that heading but things develop and I suspect an end result may well be experiencing less feelings of loneliness, even when alone and not doing anything.

I empathise with you OP, I too experience similar feelings and it's not always possible to do practical physical things to try to assuage these. However the reality is, if you do what you always do, you'll get what you always get.

valk_scot

Soo...what do you want, I ask myself? Some empathy from others in the same situation? Posting like this on a forum usually means you're hoping for some suggestions as to how you can solve whatever problem you have but you don't seem to be saying that this is a problem per se and you don't want solutions, just empathy. If you don't want a partner, more friends, to see the friends you have more, another hobby/volunteer job/another cat...what do you want? do you actually want to change things at all, or just have a bit of a vent?

Because this last is fine of course but it's a bit unfair to have a go at people who are just trying to be helpful. Most of us have had bereavement problems, on this board there are many folk with really quite difficult lives that include chronic poor health of a family members, poverty, abuse, imminant homelessness and deep depression. Let's not get into a "my life is worse than your life" competitions here but many people reading your posts will be wondering what you're complaining about, you're living a comfortable and balanced life with no definate issues. What you have is what's called a First World Problem tbh, you're very fortunate!

You're obviously discontented though with where you are in life. At the risk of offering yet more suggestions you don't want, how about religion, any flavour? I'm vanilla Church of Scotland and my local church is a powerhouse of the community, it's a big social centre with lots happening within the community. You don't really have to be a church goer to join in to get involved and the beauty is it's all local stuff, you meet neighbours and local families and people of all ages, not just your own age groups.

Or yoga, or meditation? Or talk to your doctor, once you get to the stage of being unhappy but not feeling like you can or want to do anything to get out of the situation well, that's a possible depression flag, got to say. As is getting defensive about perfectly reasonable and well intended suggestions!

wildswans

I apologise if I appear short-sighted. Perhaps because I "know my life" well I dismiss some as just not possible or practical.

While I have pockets of time at the weekend or holidays I don't have an awful lot of time during the week. For example I regularly go horse-riding during the week; I do two hours on a Thursday evening. If I was to buy a horse I would be committed to feeding, stabling, grooming and exercising for hours each day which due to working full time I unfortunately don't feel I can spare - unfair on the horse and unfair on me.

Many of the things suggested I already do, you see I do have interests which take up time, but taking up time isn't really an area which I felt I needed guidance on.

I have plans for next year which will involve more 'getting out' and so on but have not implemented them yet so for now I am stuck with "what I have always done." And to be fair that isn't such a terrible thing - I have done fairly well at building a life for myself; the odd lonely weekend doesn't negate that, I feel.

wildswans

Valk_scot, yes, some empathy, that is all! :)I think I did say in my first post that I would like to know if I was alone in sometimes feeling this way!

I certainly haven't had a go at anyone, I don't think - I have really striven to be polite and courteous, have thanked people for their suggestions and explained and reiterated what my situation is at the moment? I really don't feel I have had a go at anybody?

I'm not discontent either, exactly. It's so difficult to explain, clearly I am not doing a very good job at it but I had a feeling, of being lonely and isolated and a little sad. I don't feel like that all the time, or even most of the time, but from time-to-time I do and having a lonely weekend brings it on a little.

I wonder though if perhaps the thread could be deleted; clearly I am not doing a very good job of explaining myself or my position at the moment and am unintentionally causing offence when I try to do so.

Newly_retired

I know exactly what you mean, OP.
I would like to add that it is not just an age thing.
It is perfectly possible at any age and in a variety of circumstances to be fundamentally lonely, yes, even in marriage, however busy one may be, however many friends one has,and however many things one can always find to do.