Is my partner right to feel aggrieved? Please help.

Treevo

Mods wrote: »

You know, I could still buy that house (provided the vendor hasn't decided I'm too much hassle). I can bridge the gap with my overdraft. My fiancee could live somewhere temporarily such as her parents or my parents (they did offer) for the matter of a week or two to free up the equity in her house and use it to make the new place liveable. Doesn't seem like a good idea now though when you consider that she started suggesting we take a break and implying that I would use my position as the home owner to control her.

As opposed to her who is not above manipulating your emotions so you give her half of your money and half of your parents' money.

Treevo

Mods wrote: »

The mortgage would be in my name. I have decision in principle but the actual money has stalled because of valuation issues. I would also be using every last penny of my savings towards the deposit so yes, the deposit is all from my accounts.

She would be putting the equity from her house sale for improvements and repairs. Initially, this would be about £4k for heating, plastering and damp course but she also wanted to use the money for other improvements, wedding, hols and for her and the kids.

So you use all your money for the house and she uses her money for herself and her children's benefit. You're being used. If you weren't, why would she be so against not having her name on the house for just two years? Because she wants to have her money for herself and your money for herself.

Goldiegirl

cte1111 wrote: »

If I were your partner, then I would have reacted similarly. Why are you allowing your parents to call the shots? Part of growing up, becoming a father, committing to your own family is making your own decisions, not obeying your parents.

If the plan had gone ahead as your parents dictated, then you would have had full security, but your partner and her children would have had none. Why wouldn't she react badly to this?

I agree, I wouldn't be too impressed either.

The original post said this would be a short term loan, so the parents would get their money back within weeks, so there'd be little risk to the money.

The parents themselves have suggested making it a longer term loan, as long as the girlfriend doesn't go on the mortgage during the term of that loan.

I'd be livid, to be honest, with the parents sticking their oar in like that!

All that was required was a very short term loan, and I'd see it that they didn't trust me and were doing their best to keep me off the mortgage.

If you can't buy the house at present then rent together, and buy jointly when you are able too Also, this is a good time to move away from your parents influence. You are a team with your girlfriend now, that is the most important relationship in your life now

happy35

If I was your parent I would be saying the same, not being negative but it seems your fiance wants the best of both worlds

Security in a house that she isn't paying an equal amount into and the chance to spend her money on what she wants to spend it on.

If you want to get on the property ladder you could buy somewhere in your budget as an investment property and rent it out, you could then rent somewhere suitable together

Mods

cte1111 wrote: »

Oh heck you really are in trouble if you think this is 'right'. You really think your poor fiancee should go separately to YOUR parents to ask why they want to give her a 2 year test before she is allowed in a share in the family home? And despite knowing that this is insensitive, you are confident in your 'rightness'?

Can I ask how old you are?

I'm not sure why you're taking this tone with me. I appreciate you're trying to help.

Not separately. I wanted her to go with me in the beginning. Come to think of it, I'm not confidence in my 'rightness' but she was asking me 'why have your parents said this and that' and I don't have the answers to all these questions. I haven't sat down to speak to either her or my parents yet. In the evenings, I have been struggling emotionally whilst I'm working pretty much ten hours a day in a stressful job.

I'm almost 29. I've only just started out on my career. I know I'm immature. You don't have to point that out. I must point out that I've tried hard though and grown and learned a lot in the time we've been together. She's five years older. I was 24 when we met.

cte1111

I guess I'm taking 'this tone' as I can identify with your GF and am trying to get you to see her point of view. You come over rather self-righteous and only really want people to agree with you. Sorry if I've been harsh, but I do believe that if you want your relationship with your GF to work, then your relationship with your parents would need to change.

You remind me very much of my husband when we got together, so I have reacted emotionally to your post. Our situation was a bit different, as I had more assets than your partner but otherwise was similar. I do think that you were being generous (as I would expect to your future wife) in your initial plan. However this is what most people would aim for in a marriage. To change the goalposts at this stage based on your parent's say so is pretty hurtful to your partner. If you genuinely want to work things out with her, you need to spend a lot of time talking to her and listening to her feelings.

Mods

You know what else, I've gone out of my to involve her in every single decision from which conveyancer we use to whether or not we ask my parents for a loan. She has told me I'm reluctant to make decisions which is bulls**t! I want to make well informed decisions using her opinion which means a lot to me.

She really pushed hard for this house. She would warn me that if we didn't act fast 'we would lose it'. I warned her not to set her heart on it because it's a repossession and there were things that needed doing and I didn't know if I could finance it. But she went ahead and set her heart on it. Yes, I liked it too but I didn't set me heart on it and suggested we look at rentals as well as other properties to buy. Turns out my insistence not to get attached to the house was correct. Now, we need to find a place in a matter of weeks.

cte1111

Think I will give up and leave you to your self pity.

Mods

cte1111 wrote: »

I guess I'm taking 'this tone' as I can identify with your GF and am trying to get you to see her point of view. You come over rather self-righteous and only really want people to agree with you. Sorry if I've been harsh, but I do believe that if you want your relationship with your GF to work, then your relationship with your parents would need to change.

You remind me very much of my husband when we got together, so I have reacted emotionally to your post. Our situation was a bit different, as I had more assets than your partner but otherwise was similar. I do think that you were being generous (as I would expect to your future wife) in your initial plan. However this is what most people would aim for in a marriage. To change the goalposts at this stage based on your parent's say so is pretty hurtful to your partner. If you genuinely want to work things out with her, you need to spend a lot of time talking to her and listening to her feelings.

I appreciate your honesty. I need to change as a person. I know this.

I haven't changed any goal posts though. I didn't agree with my parents or disagree. I just told her. She could have agreed that I should bridge the gap using my overdraft which I was quite prepared to do. Instead, we ended up getting sidetracked over another issue but this may actually be for the best. Our plans only changed when the argument broke out not before, during and immediately after my discussion with my parents.

Mods

cte1111 wrote: »

Think I will give up and leave you to your self pity.

Self pity? I know I'm guilty of lots of things at times including this but don't project your feelings towards your husband/ex husband on to me. I'm not sure where I cam across as self pitying. I'm not simply going to say that she's right in everything when she isn't! Nor am I right about everything that's happened! That's not self pitying.