Is my partner right to feel aggrieved? Please help.

Mods

Mojisola wrote: »

This puts her back in control - would she be willing to do this?

I'd imagine she would absolutely want to do this but buying is out of the question for her. Renting is our best option now and I'd prefer us to do this together because it would be easier than me trying to come in after they have established their home. Does that make sense? The children are expecting us to start all living together very soon as well. The worst part of all this is the disappointment the kids will feel if/when they hear we're not buying the house. I feel personally responsible for having let them down as well. I just want to make us all happy.

Treevo

Mods wrote: »

I'd imagine she would absolutely want to do this but buying is out of the question for her. Renting is our best option now and I'd prefer us to do this together because it would be easier than me trying to come in after they have established their home. Does that make sense? The children are expecting us to start all living together very soon as well. The worst part of all this is the disappointment the kids will feel if/when they hear we're not buying the house. I feel personally responsible for having let them down as well. I just want to make us all happy.

You're not responsible for anyone else's happiness. Not even your finance's.

She apparently needs you to give her half of a large asset to 'feel secure' enough to not want to 'take a break'. She's already said she doesn't trust you (with the proviso that you can fix this by giving her half of the house you're paying for!). I know you're in love, but good god alarms should be shrieking in your ears now - even if you choose to ignore them.

Any

Mods wrote: »

There was no change of mind though. I had every intention of continuing as normal. I merely told her about my parents' suggestion. Is it so unreasonable that they would think 'hmm..they have'nt lived together before, maybe they should live together without risk of losing anything first'? The second thoughts started coming into play after she reacted angrily to my telling her about my parents' suggestion. She started saying things about 'taking a break' and told me that she wouldn't 'trust me having control with only my name on the deeds'. I only told her about my parents' suggestion. I didn't agree to anything. It was a complete over reaction on her part and trust me, if my parents' thought she was a 'gold digger' they would have simply said 'no!' Their intention was to help us but protect me (and her coincidentally).

With regards to the bold part, I agree entirely. We should have kept our sights on renting from day 1. We would never have encountered this situation had we done that and our relationship would be much healthier.

You have BUT to everything anyone says that is showing an understanding where she might be coming from. I have noticed that from the start of this thread.
Yes, your parents suggestion and you standing by them immediately and not her. Where before it was no problem. Suggesting it wasn'tthat difficult to persuade you in the mistrust.
Sorry, if it was me... you are a gonner.
(This is coming from a person that paid 50% of my now husband's mortgage for years without having any claim on the house and I am not on a deeds even now-don't need to now, we are married. But he never promised me we are buying house "together" or "our house")

zzzLazyDaisy

Mods wrote: »

We're going to talk it over when she finishes work today and I think that's how we might wish to proceed: a rented property of her choosing. She can't afford to buy a house on her own as the bank wouldn't give her a mortgage in her name only. Even renting might be tricky for her but that's what she intended to do before she met me.

Ironically, she will probably find it reasonably easy to rent if she is on her own with the children and working part-time, as she will still have her tax credits and she will almost certainly be entitled to LHA (housing benefit in the private sector). Of course if her share of the equity from the house is more than £6000, she will get less housing support and will be expected to contribute from her savings until the amount drops to £6000 - but as you say, that is presumably what she intended to do before she met you, anyway.

Mods

Treevo wrote: »

You're not responsible for anyone else's happiness. Not even your finance's.

She apparently needs you to give her half of a large asset to 'feel secure' enough to not want to 'take a break'. She's already said she doesn't trust you (with the proviso that you can fix this by giving her half of the house you're paying for!). I know you're in love, but good god alarms should be shrieking in your ears now - even if you choose to ignore them.

Thanks, Treevo. You view of this seems to lean towards one extreme end of the spectrum if that makes sense. I appreciate the balance of opinion I'm getting here.
Whilst I know there's no malice in anything she's saying (it's all emotion) alarms are ringing in the sense that it raises questions about whether we'd have been happy and relaxed in the new house.

Mods

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Ironically, she will probably find it reasonably easy to rent if she is on her own with the children and working part-time, as she will still have her tax credits and she will almost certainly be entitled to LHA (housing benefit in the private sector). Of course if her share of the equity from the house is more than £6000, she will get less housing support and will be expected to contribute from her savings until the amount drops to £6000 - but as you say, that is presumably what she intended to do before she met you, anyway.

That's what I was thinking too but I want to be with her and the kids under one roof and I hope she still wants the same.

Any wrote: »

You have BUT to everything anyone says that is showing an understanding where she might be coming from. I have noticed that from the start of this thread.
Yes, your parents suggestion and you standing by them immediately and not her. Where before it was no problem. Suggesting it wasn'tthat difficult to persuade you in the mistrust.
Sorry, if it was me... you are a gonner.
(This is coming from a person that paid 50% of my now husband's mortgage for years without having any claim on the house and I am not on a deeds even now-don't need to now, we are married. But he never promised me we are buying house "together" or "our house")

Yes, I have said 'but' to anyone who shows an understanding of where she's coming from. I also think I understand where she is coming from. She wants security for herself and the children. That is understandable. My issue is with the offence she has taken over my parents' suggestion and the way in which she resorted to mistrust and 'let's take a break' because of it. My issue is with the fact she doesn't understand where I'm coming from. She has placed restrictions and conditions on me in the interests of her security and when someone even suggests doing the same for my security, all hell breaks loose! It's the hypocrisy that is bugging me. Now, do you see where I'm coming from?

paulineb_2

Mods wrote: »

That's what I was thinking too but I want to be with her and the kids under one roof and I hope she still wants the same.



Yes, I have said 'but' to anyone who shows an understanding of where she's coming from. I also think I understand where she is coming from. She wants security for herself and the children. That is understandable. My issue is with the offence she has taken over my parents' suggestion and the way in which she resorted to mistrust and 'let's take a break' because of it. My issue is with the fact she doesn't understand where I'm coming from. She has placed restrictions and conditions on me in the interests of her security and when someone even suggests doing the same for my security, all hell breaks loose! It's the hypocrisy that is bugging me. Now, do you see where I'm coming from?

Well maybe you should leave things as they are and not live together. If you cant find a middle ground without unhappiness what is the point of trying to work this out when neither of you can seem to move on from this?

Any

Mods wrote: »

That's what I was thinking too but I want to be with her and the kids under one roof and I hope she still wants the same.



Yes, I have said 'but' to anyone who shows an understanding of where she's coming from. I also think I understand where she is coming from. She wants security for herself and the children. That is understandable. My issue is with the offence she has taken over my parents' suggestion and the way in which she resorted to mistrust and 'let's take a break' because of it. My issue is with the fact she doesn't understand where I'm coming from. She has placed restrictions and conditions on me in the interests of her security and when someone even suggests doing the same for my security, all hell breaks loose! It's the hypocrisy that is bugging me. Now, do you see where I'm coming from?

I've always seen where you are coming from, if you think not re-read my first post.
But it is all about delivery. Are you really surprised that she is having difficulties to see your point of view when she was just hit with the news that her fiancee doesn't trust her, doesn't believe in the relationship and her parents in law seem to be think she is a gold digger.
I think she needs time now. Detached from the immediate emotions she might start thinking clearer and see your point too. And she agreed to look for rental again, didn't she?
You have now sown doubts about the relationship in her mind too, you realise that don't you?

Mods

paulineb wrote: »

Well maybe you should leave things as they are and not live together. If you cant find a middle ground without unhappiness what is the point of trying to work this out when neither of you can seem to move on from this?

We're going to attempt to find a middle ground today. We haven't had a chance to talk things over calmly. I'm working all week, she works alternate weekends and in the evenings the children are there. I think I've showed understanding and I want this to be reciprocated. If she can't do this, then I'm happy to agree to disagree and to give it a shot renting. I'll support her and give her whatever security she needs in this way if that's what we agree.

Mods

Any wrote: »

I've always seen where you are coming from, if you think not re-read my first post.
But it is all about delivery. Are you really surprised that she is having difficulties to see your point of view when she was just hit with the news that her fiancee doesn't trust her, doesn't believe in the relationship and her parents in law to be think she is a gold digger.
I think she needs time now. Detached from the immediate emotions she might start thinking clearer and see your point too. And she agreed to look for rental again, didn't she?
You have now sown doubts about the relationship in her mind too, you realise that don't you?

Just want you to know that I appreciate your point of view and that you're trying to help me. Didn't mean to come across as though I was being funny. :-)

Yeah, we have said we're going to rent but we need to talk things over in detail.

I do realise that I've sown doubts in her head. Similar doubts have been sown in my head too, sadly. I'm absolutely committed to working on it though and I'm trying hard to understand where she's coming from (and to understand my own feelings) hence me starting this thread.