Is my partner right to feel aggrieved? Please help.

Mods

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Sorry if I'm missing something here, but why can't you move into your partners house? To trial living together first. As people have said, it can totally change the dynamics of a relationship. Surely living together (a trial run as it were), is better than plunging straight into a mortgage.

Because, to me, it sounds like you are not 100% sure about ths relationship, if you are starting to doubt your partners motives?

I can see where your parents are coming from, they are looking out for you, and only have your best interests at heart, but I can also see totally where your partner is coming from too, she just wants security for her and her children, and at the moment it seems like she feels she doesn't have this.

Well, long before the sale was going ahead, we discussed this but we kind of decided it best not to because her ex's name was on the deeds and didn't want that entanglement. Does this make sense? We also wanted a fresh start elsewhere not to mention that she understandably didn't want to give up her tax credits until I secured a permanent job which I managed very recently. She put that condition on us living together which I understood at the time and accepted.

thistledome wrote: »

Has she actually said the words I've highlighted above, or is that just your opinion on why she wants her name on the deeds?

I think she doesn't feel that you trust her and I think she's right.

Your OP asks if she's right or hypocritical to feel aggrieved, but I think right and wrong is irrelevant to how someone feels. You started out with one plan and now you and your parents have changed that plan. I'd feel aggrieved too if I was her, but I think your parents are spot on, tbh.

Perhaps your parents don't feel this relationship is going to last.

An honest talk about how you both feel might clear the air (I sense some resentment in your posts) or it might bring the whole "happy family" facade tumbling down about your ears. If so, better that it happens now than when you're legally committed or worse, realise you've spent the last 15 years kidding yourself (me? bitter? :rotfl:)

jmho, of course.

Indeed, she has said these words. She wants to be on the deeds and the mortgage for her security if s**t hits the fan and so she can be equal.

I'm not resentful. Maybe just disappointed that things have worked out like this after I've put up with a lot. I wouldn't hold anything against her and I hope she feels the same way.

Mojisola

Mods wrote: »

Indeed, she has said these words. She wants to be on the deeds and the mortgage for her security if s**t hits the fan and so she can be equal.

Sauce for the goose; sauce for the gander!

She wants security in case it all goes wrong but you and your parents aren't allowed to think about what if it all goes wrong because that's not trusting her?

maman

Mojisola wrote: »

This isn't how I read it - the new couple suddenly found a deficit in the money they needed for the new house, GF suggested asking his parents for a top-up, they agreed as long they had some protection for their money.

I wouldn't hand over £6k of my money to one of my children without making sure I could get it all back. I'd hate to see it half of it disappearing with the GF if things didn't work out.

I would and have to help with a house deposit and I've no intention of asking for it back. However I would still insist on protection for my money in these circumstances as the GF and her children seem a bit of a 'new addition' to the family so I'd be cautious. It's all very well OP throwing in his lot with her, that's his choice but he can't speak for his parents as well.

cte1111

Mojisola wrote: »

This isn't how I read it - the new couple suddenly found a deficit in the money they needed for the new house, GF suggested asking his parents for a top-up, they agreed as long they had some protection for their money.

I wouldn't hand over £6k of my money to one of my children without making sure I could get it all back. I'd hate to see it half of it disappearing with the GF if things didn't work out.

They were asked if it would be possible to lend money for 2 weeks, with a written guarantee that it would be paid back. Instead they dictated that their son's fiancee would not be allowed to be on the deeds of their son's house for at least 2 years, all for the sake of £6,000. That's not protecting their money, that's trying to decide how their son and his (now possibly ex) partner live their lives.

Their suggestion was a clear expression of distrust and the fact that it was then passed on as a good idea by their son (who up until then was quite happy to jointly buy the house) shows that IMHO he allows them to influence him too much.

OP, have you ever lived with anyone before? I do think that part of growing up and becoming an independent adult is to rely on your own judgement.

Mods

Mojisola wrote: »

Sauce for the goose; sauce for the gander!

She wants security in case it all goes wrong but you and your parents aren't allowed to think about what if it all goes wrong because that's not trusting her?

I'm glad someone understands that!

maman wrote: »

I would and have to help with a house deposit and I've no intention of asking for it back. However I would still insist on protection for my money in these circumstances as the GF and her children seem a bit of a 'new addition' to the family so I'd be cautious. It's all very well OP throwing in his lot with her, that's his choice but he can't speak for his parents as well.

My parents already helped me save for my deposit. They matched whatever I contributed to it. I owe them a debt of gratitude for this.

I understand why they were placing that condition on it and you're right in that I can't speak for my parents but I think my partner wants me to speak for them. I have told her to bring it up with them. Maybe not a sensitive thing to say but I feel right in saying it.

Mods

cte1111 wrote: »

They were asked if it would be possible to lend money for 2 weeks, with a written guarantee that it would be paid back. Instead they dictated that their son's fiancee would not be allowed to be on the deeds of their son's house for at least 2 years, all for the sake of £6,000. That's not protecting their money, that's trying to decide how their son and his (now possibly ex) partner live their lives.

Their suggestion was a clear expression of distrust and the fact that it was then passed on as a good idea by their son (who up until then was quite happy to jointly buy the house) shows that IMHO he allows them to influence him too much.

OP, have you ever lived with anyone before? I do think that part of growing up and becoming an independent adult is to rely on your own judgement.

My parents weren't interested in a written guarantee. I think they would give the money if it were not for the fact that my dad was made redundant so that's also why them lending was a big deal to me.

Perhaps, I do allow them to influence me too much.

No. I have never lived with anyone before apart from house mates at uni which isn't the same thing as living with a partner in my estimation. Being very honest, I've only ever lived away from home at uni and when traveling and I'm not sure if this counts. Maybe I am immature and with me being younger than my fiancee by several years this factor could be even more significant.

I do accept my short comings in all of this (if that's the right word).

happy35

i have skim read a lot of this, but is the mortgage in your name? you have also paid the deposit?

what is your fiance contributing towards this house purchase? if she isnt putting in the same as you then I can understand your parents caution especially if on top of the £6000 they have contributed 50% of the deposit

Mods

You know, I could still buy that house (provided the vendor hasn't decided I'm too much hassle). I can bridge the gap with my overdraft. My fiancee could live somewhere temporarily such as her parents or my parents (they did offer) for the matter of a week or two to free up the equity in her house and use it to make the new place liveable. Doesn't seem like a good idea now though when you consider that she started suggesting we take a break and implying that I would use my position as the home owner to control her.

cte1111

Mods wrote: »

I'm glad someone understands that!



My parents already helped me save for my deposit. They matched whatever I contributed to it. I owe them a debt of gratitude for this.

I understand why they were placing that condition on it and you're right in that I can't speak for my parents but I think my partner wants me to speak for them. I have told her to bring it up with them. Maybe not a sensitive thing to say but I feel right in saying it.

Oh heck you really are in trouble if you think this is 'right'. You really think your poor fiancee should go separately to YOUR parents to ask why they want to give her a 2 year test before she is allowed in a share in the family home? And despite knowing that this is insensitive, you are confident in your 'rightness'?

Can I ask how old you are?

Mods

happy35 wrote: »

i have skim read a lot of this, but is the mortgage in your name? you have also paid the deposit?

what is your fiance contributing towards this house purchase? if she isnt putting in the same as you then I can understand your parents caution especially if on top of the £6000 they have contributed 50% of the deposit

The mortgage would be in my name. I have decision in principle but the actual money has stalled because of valuation issues. I would also be using every last penny of my savings towards the deposit so yes, the deposit is all from my accounts.

She would be putting the equity from her house sale for improvements and repairs. Initially, this would be about £4k for heating, plastering and damp course but she also wanted to use the money for other improvements, wedding, hols and for her and the kids.