Is my partner right to feel aggrieved? Please help.

zzzLazyDaisy

Mods wrote: »

Indeed. I haven't asked her to sell her home. She was selling it anyway. To say she has security in the home where she lives now, is stretching it a bit too. Yes, so far the payments have been made by both her and her ex partner but that's not to say he hasn't caused difficulties for her before so no, she perhaps didn't have total security in that house anyway..

Okay, so wind back a bit. She was selling her house even before you came on the scene. She must have had plans to re-home herself and her children once the sale went through. She presumably also had plans for the equity that would be released from the sale. So how about she goes ahead and rehouses herself and her children as she originally intended in a house in her sole name, and you can move in with her. If it doesn't work, she and the children still have a roof over their heads and you would move out and find somewhere else.

Would that work?

marisco_2

tayforth wrote: »

Um, aren't you already engaged? That would assume a certain level of confidence/belief that it's going to work.

This crossed my mind too. Before getting engaged a couple should feel confident and secure enough in each other and their relationship, to decide that they want to make a lifetime commitment to each other, by getting married further down the line. I very much hope that this is the case for the OP and his partner.

Up to this point they haven't lived together though. As the OP wisely acknowledges this will be the ultimate test to their relationship. They are about to start sharing a home and functioning as a family unit. As much as they all know each other really well and love each other very much this will take some amount of adjustment on all sides. It would be unrealistic to think it wouldn't.

Their situation isn't as simple and straightforward as many peoples. They have alot to consider and a necessity to move forward with a little caution to get things right, all the while trying to make sure that all involved are happy and feel confidant about the decisions being made. They seem to have hit a bit of a crossroads right now, but I really hope they can work through this together and come to an agrement on their future that they are both really happy with. It will just take a mature approach from both sides and plenty of good communication.

Pixiechic

I don't really see why she feels 'aggrieved', it sounds like you were initially being overgenerous. I understand that she has responsibilities with regard to her children but surely that doesn't mean that she expects you to shoulder all the potential risk whilst she benefits from all the security?

Really, renting for a period of time seems to be the best option and the most sensible. She can sell her house in this time and at the point at which she is in a position to buy, you could jointly buy a property. You will have had the experience of living together by that point too.

I think that your parents are being very wise and of course, looking at your best interests. If they are to agree to lend money then they have a right to ensure its best protection.

I don't see what's wrong with you trying to protect yourself financially and these issues are always best sorting out now, rather than later. Good luck

bagpussbear

I can see all points of view, but if I was in your girlfriend's shoes yes I would feel annoyed to be honest. You are meant to be a couple/team and then you bring your parents into it, who suddenly make the demand of we'll only lend you the money on this condition ..... so suddenly your girlfriend doesn't feel an 'equal' any more, and it does suggest to her they don't trust her which is a kick in the teeth if she has been with you for 4 years and you are thinking of maybe having kids together in the future too.

I can see your parents wanting to protect you, absolutely, but you have a messy situation here to be honest. I think the best thing would be to rent first, and let her house sale go through and be done and sorted, and then go forward, hopefully without any of your parents help.

Hope it all works out for the best for you all.

zzzLazyDaisy

Just a thought - since she has a buyer and her house sale is going through, is there any reason why you cannot delay completion on the new house until her house has been sold and the equity released? You say you originally asked your parents to lend you the money for two weeks so her sale can't be far behind.

Or is it that you have generally had second thoughts about buying a house in joint names at this stage in the relationship? (Which is fine, but it is necessary to know in your own mind what the issues are, so you two can work together to sort this out).

Mods

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Just a thought - since she has a buyer and her house sale is going through, is there any reason why you cannot delay completion on the new house until her house has been sold and the equity released? You say you originally asked your parents to lend you the money for two weeks so her sale can't be far behind.

Or is it that you have generally had second thoughts about buying a house in joint names at this stage in the relationship? (Which is fine, but it is necessary to know in your own mind what the issues are, so you two can work together to sort this out).

Well, part of the reason why I asked my parents for the loan was because we needed to complete/sort out exchange for the new house as the deadline was fast approaching.

I wouldn't have had second thoughts about buying a house in joint names until she reacted badly to my parents' suggestion in which I hadn't agreed or disagreed with but saw logic.

Pixiechic wrote: »

I don't really see why she feels 'aggrieved', it sounds like you were initially being overgenerous. I understand that she has responsibilities with regard to her children but surely that doesn't mean that she expects you to shoulder all the potential risk whilst she benefits from all the security?

Really, renting for a period of time seems to be the best option and the most sensible. She can sell her house in this time and at the point at which she is in a position to buy, you could jointly buy a property. You will have had the experience of living together by that point too.

I think that your parents are being very wise and of course, looking at your best interests. If they are to agree to lend money then they have a right to ensure its best protection.

I don't see what's wrong with you trying to protect yourself financially and these issues are always best sorting out now, rather than later. Good luck

Thanks. I get the impression that she did intend for me to carry most of the risk. I mean if we had both our names on the deeds and we break up, I'd envisage a scenario where she stays in the house because she has children whilst we spend years trying to sell the house which is what I have seen happen between her and her ex. Even worse, she could end up thinking 'well, sod him. I'm not going to sell and I'll stay here for as long as I wish'. In this sense, I would still have most of the risk. Marriage would change things a little bit but not a lot in terms of where I would end up if we split. Our own kids would change it completely as I wouldn't care then and would want them in a house with her but with kids, I'd only leave them if I was forced to. It's all about hypothetical scenarios to be honest.

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Okay, so wind back a bit. She was selling her house even before you came on the scene. She must have had plans to re-home herself and her children once the sale went through. She presumably also had plans for the equity that would be released from the sale. So how about she goes ahead and rehouses herself and her children as she originally intended in a house in her sole name, and you can move in with her. If it doesn't work, she and the children still have a roof over their heads and you would move out and find somewhere else.

Would that work?

We're going to talk it over when she finishes work today and I think that's how we might wish to proceed: a rented property of her choosing. She can't afford to buy a house on her own as the bank wouldn't give her a mortgage in her name only. Even renting might be tricky for her but that's what she intended to do before she met me.

Any

I think your problem is sudden change of goal posts.
At first you have promised heaven and earth and now in the most stresfull time you kicked her in the teeth by changing it completely.
If you were going to rent from the start you would never get in this situation.
Now, after 4 years together and an engagement you are really showing complete mistrust and your parents do sound like they think she is a gold digger.
And while it all makes sense, every argument every one else has makes sense and it is all true, that doesn't change the fact that the way the situation developed and you subsequently acted and retracted on every plan you ever had together would make me personally to tell you to get lost and stuffed.
It is the change of mind that would ring alarm bells with me, and is ringing with her.

Mods

bagpussbear wrote: »

I can see all points of view, but if I was in your girlfriend's shoes yes I would feel annoyed to be honest. You are meant to be a couple/team and then you bring your parents into it, who suddenly make the demand of we'll only lend you the money on this condition ..... so suddenly your girlfriend doesn't feel an 'equal' any more, and it does suggest to her they don't trust her which is a kick in the teeth if she has been with you for 4 years and you are thinking of maybe having kids together in the future too.

I can see your parents wanting to protect you, absolutely, but you have a messy situation here to be honest. I think the best thing would be to rent first, and let her house sale go through and be done and sorted, and then go forward, hopefully without any of your parents help.

Hope it all works out for the best for you all.

Well, we are a team and it was decided pretty much mutually that we'd ask my parents. Initially, I think I suggested approaching them then had second thoughts about it because I know they thought renting was a better idea. She then encouraged me to approach them. By the time, it came to asking them she wasn't able to come with me and ask them.

In fact, she was offended just days before when I said I'd like her to be there when I ask to give my parents' some 'assurances'. Maybe it was the wording she didn't like but I didn't mean it in a bad way. I meant that it seemed to be the proper way of doing things if she's paying them back. It wasn't an issue of trust but an issue of formality/convention if that makes sense. Without any prompting from me, she said she would sign something to she'd pay it back but I insisted this was not necessary at all.

Mods

Any wrote: »

I think your problem is sudden change of goal posts.
At first you have promised heaven and earth and now in the most stresfull time you kicked her in the teeth by changing it completely.
If you were going to rent from the start you would never get in this situation.
Now, after 4 years together and an engagement you are really showing complete mistrust and your parents do sound like they think she is a gold digger.
And while it all makes sense, every argument every one else has makes sense and it is all true, that doesn't change the fact that the way the situation developed and you subsequently acted actedand retrieved on every plan we ever had together would make me personally to tell you to get lost and stuffed.
It is the change of mind that would ring alarm bells with me, and is ringing with her.

There was no change of mind though. I had every intention of continuing as normal. I merely told her about my parents' suggestion. Is it so unreasonable that they would think 'hmm..they have'nt lived together before, maybe they should live together without risk of losing anything first'? The second thoughts started coming into play after she reacted angrily to my telling her about my parents' suggestion. She started saying things about 'taking a break' and told me that she wouldn't 'trust me having control with only my name on the deeds'. I only told her about my parents' suggestion. I didn't agree to anything. It was a complete over reaction on her part and trust me, if my parents' thought she was a 'gold digger' they would have simply said 'no!' Their intention was to help us but protect me (and her coincidentally).

With regards to the bold part, I agree entirely. We should have kept our sights on renting from day 1. We would never have encountered this situation had we done that and our relationship would be much healthier.

Mojisola

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Having re-read the thread, it seems that she was selling her house anyway, even if you hadn't been on the scene?

In that case I'd suggest that she goes ahead and does whatever she was intending to do if you were not around (buy another house in her own name? Rent?). Once she has established a home for herself and her children in her own name, there is no reason why you can't move in with her, is there?

Yes the relationship might not work, and yes in that scenario it would be you looking for somewhere else to live rather than her and the children - but that wouldn't be such a bad thing, would it?

This puts her back in control - would she be willing to do this?