Is my partner right to feel aggrieved? Please help.

Mods

Hello all,

Been having some relationship trouble lately and need some advice and a sympathetic ear (or several). I had better begin with the context so make yourselves comfortable!

My partner and I have been together for over four years now and we got engaged last year, much to the delight of her two children who I consider step children already and love as though they are my own. We're very close and generally very happy but as I'm sure some of you might be able to appreciate, having the children's biological father and his wife on the scene presents certain challenges at times but we tend to handle this well.

Despite being engaged, my fiancee and I don't currently live together. She owns her own home but unfortunately her ex's name (the children's biological father) is still on the deeds of the property. Although this in itself doesn't prevent us from living together, it has meant that my partner and I had agreed to wait until the house is sold so we can move into a new place for a fresh start. I have continued living around 20-30 minutes drive away and this has enabled my partner to continue claiming tax credits whilst working part time and has enabled me to secure permanent employment (as opposed to contract work) that my partner said I'd need for our security if we're to live together. Of course, I have stayed over fairly regularly and vice versa but I haven't been able to lay my hat there. My life often feels very chaotic as I'm there for them everyday, work in high pressure job in the city where they live whilst living somewhere else entirely.

Recently, we decided that enough was enough and we started looking at houses to rent and buy whilst my partner tried desperately to sell her house. I found out that I could get a mortgage and with mortgages being cheaper per month than rents, we settled on the idea of me buying a house for us to move into whether her house was sold or not. In fact, we found a repossession house that met all of our needs. She 'fell in love with it' whilst I was very keen to deliver her what would be our home. The house was situated in the area that was convenient for my partner and her children (she doesn't drive) and it was large enough for us to be able to think about adding to our family.

Whilst I began making efforts to buy the property, my partner received an offer for her house which was accepted. Sold signs were erected outside and meanwhile, I had an offer accepted on the new house.

Unfortunately, we had a valuation of the property carried out which came back less than our offer price. This created an issue for my lender and I found myself about two grand short of the asking price. With the property in need of about £4,000 worth of repairs to make it habitable too, it began to look tricky to buy this house. My partner had already pledged her equity from the house sale to do the repairs and make improvements on the new house but she obviously has to vacate her house to release this money.

As we began to realise the financial and logistical challenges of completing this move, we decided the best thing to do would be to ask my parents for a short term loan of about £6,000 (max) which would be paid back once the equity from my partner's house was released.

I approached my parents for the loan (unfortunately, I had to ask alone as my partner couldn't come at short notice) and they agreed after saying we should probably rent first. They threw me a bit of a 'curve ball' by suggesting that we instead pay back the loan after two years rather than two weeks during which time, my name must remain as the sole owner of the property whilst my partner saves her money. I took this as them trying to protect me and give us a trial period or safety net if things don't work out.

When I told my partner about their suggestion, she didn't take very kindly to it and we had a big fall out. She said things like 'your parents must think I'm some sort of gold digger' and 'none of you trust me' as well as 'I wouldn't want you to have all the control by having your name only on the mortgage'. A couple of times she mentioned 'taking a break' and we were both distraught at the prospect of the relationship breaking down. Fortunately, it looks like we're staying together but we've still got a lot of talking to do and needless to say, it doesn't look like we'll be buying a house but renting instead.

Anyway, these are the questions I have about all this:

1) Is she right to feel aggrieved about my parents suggestion and my refusal to see any wrong in it?

2) Are my parents wrong? Is their suggestion as weird as she says it is? I tend to ask my parents for advice a lot (I don't always use it) whilst she doesn't seem to have the same sort of relationship with her parents.

3) Am I right in thinking that she's being quite hypocritical? She understandably wants security for her and the children but she condemns my parents and I for wanting the same and trying to find a way that provides security and safeguards for not only me, but her as well.

4) Should I feel aggrieved that she isn't willing to compromise even though I have been understanding in letting her decide her area we live in and giving her time to sell her house? Afterall, I've had to fit in with her circumstances since day one.

5) She says she wants things to be equal in the new house. Can we ever be equal when I earn twice as much as she does and she can't buy on her own? I don't care about being equal ( I will provide what I can for them) but she does.

Sorry for the massive amount of text. I think the nature of the situation warrants this level of detail. Thanks in advance for reading and for your advice.

Cheers.

Treevo

I think you're being manipulated. I think if you objectively look at what she has said and how she's said it you'll find a lot of leading language and subtle manipulation. Save yourself the trouble and just give her half the money for the house. It'll be cheaper and less painful.

Mods

Thanks for your reply, Treevo.

Do you mean allow her to have her name on the property deeds? I'm not sure we're going to buy now anyway. Probably best we rent to make sure that we are strong enough to live together. If it goes wrong in a rented home, it's easier to walk away, right?

meritaten

I think your parents are just trying to protect you. it isn't as if you are asking her to sign a 'pre-nuptial' - these are your 'parents' conditions not yours. I can understand she is upset as she feels she isn't trusted - but its down to others not you - so taking it out on you isn't on.

Toothfairy4

If i was her I would be rather annoyed aswell. After discussing that you will buy a house together your parents have now got involved (which maybe needed to happen in order to fund the purchase) and she is no longer allowed to be joint owner. I think i would also see this as them not trusting me, although i can totally see their reasons, just trying to make you, their son as financially protected as possible.

I don't really think she is being hypocritical. You say she wants the same security for her children as your parents want for you but in my opinion if you are as committed as being engaged you should see yourself, her and the kids as a family unit, no matter who earns more than who and what your parents say!

Mojisola

Mods wrote: »

Am I right in thinking that she's being quite hypocritical? She understandably wants security for her and the children but she condemns my parents and I for wanting the same and trying to find a way that provides security and safeguards for not only me, but her as well.

She says she wants things to be equal in the new house. Can we ever be equal when I earn twice as much as she does and she can't buy on her own? I don't care about being equal ( I will provide what I can for them) but she does.

She is being somewhat hypocritical but she's probably going to be sensitive about such issues because of her previous break-up.

If you were my son, I wouldn't give you £6k without some assurance, not necessarily because I didn't trust her but because I've seen good intentions go wrong in the past and I'd rather be cautious than lose my money.

Whatever your situation while just engaged, when you marry it won't matter whose name is on the property, it will become a matrimonial asset.

Equality in a relationship involves a lot more than who earns what. If she is at home doing a greater share of the housework and raising the children, that's a contribution to the household. She's not going to be able to match you pound for pound but, presumably, she'll be bringing up the children and doing more around the house than you will be.

Have a read of this - https://www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/ - so that you know the position until you get married. She's going to be in quite a vulnerable position if she moves in with you and she will be concerned for her children as well as herself.

Treevo

Mods wrote: »

Thanks for your reply, Treevo.

Do you mean allow her to have her name on the property deeds? I'm not sure we're going to buy now anyway. Probably best we rent to make sure that we are strong enough to live together. If it goes wrong in a rented home, it's easier to walk away, right?

I mean quite the opposite. When you're paying for a house completely, but adding another to the deed, you're effectively giving them half the value of the house in cash.

I obviously don't know either of you and I only have your post to go on, but from what you've written it seems as if your partner is happy to benefit from your money, but only as long as it's doing what she wants it to do. Likewise it seems as if she's trying to make out that your parents are against her (so you choose her, only without her actually demanding it) when all they're doing is protecting your financial interests. Does she make an issue if you spend time with your friends rather than with her?

I wouldn't be surprised if she agrees to rent, at first. But then has a lot of sudden problems that make it difficult. And I certainly wouldn't be surprised if the minute you buy a house and her name is on it, that you start having serious problems which will eventually lead to you having to leave and her with another property to live in. Then you'll become the bad guy just as her ex is now.

Nessynoo

Can you get a bridging loan from your bank until her house is sold?

Treevo

Toothfairy4 wrote: »

If i was her I would be rather annoyed aswell. After discussing that you will buy a house together your parents have now got involved (which maybe needed to happen in order to fund the purchase) and she is no longer allowed to be joint owner. I think i would also see this as them not trusting me, although i can totally see their reasons, just trying to make you, their son as financially protected as possible.

I don't really think she is being hypocritical. You say she wants the same security for her children as your parents want for you but in my opinion if you are as committed as being engaged you should see yourself, her and the kids as a family unit, no matter who earns more than who and what your parents say!

It can hardly be seen as buying a house 'together' when one is to pay for it alone. There would be nothing to stop the OP's partner from waiting until the house is bought and then refusing to move and then forcing a sale to get her hands on half the equity.

Toothfairy4

Yes, i really think it would've been a better idea to wait for her house sale to go through so she can contribute the equity from that rather than ask op's parents for a loan. I can see why they would be wondering why she is committing nothing financially.

Mods

meritaten wrote: »

I think your parents are just trying to protect you. it isn't as if you are asking her to sign a 'pre-nuptial' - these are your 'parents' conditions not yours. I can understand she is upset as she feels she isn't trusted - but its down to others not you - so taking it out on you isn't on.

Thanks for your reply. As for prenuptial, we spoke to a solicitor about those about two years ago when I was trying to buy her ex out of her house. Maybe this is why she feel distrusted but as I've explained, she shouldn't take this personally. It's no different from putting on your seat belt in a car driven by a loved one.

Toothfairy4 wrote: »

If i was her I would be rather annoyed aswell. After discussing that you will buy a house together your parents have now got involved (which maybe needed to happen in order to fund the purchase) and she is no longer allowed to be joint owner. I think i would also see this as them not trusting me, although i can totally see their reasons, just trying to make you, their son as financially protected as possible.

I don't really think she is being hypocritical. You say she wants the same security for her children as your parents want for you but in my opinion if you are as committed as being engaged you should see yourself, her and the kids as a family unit, no matter who earns more than who and what your parents say!

Thanks for your reply.

My parents have explained that it's not a matter of trusting her; they're very fond of her actually. For them, it's more of a matter of thinking that we need to have a period of living together with a safety net. My partner and I once thought the same and discussed renting long before any of this. It's important to note that she initially suggested that we ask my parents and pushed the issue despite my reluctance to ask them for a loan. In the end, she wasn't even with me to ask and present a united front.

Okay, I see your point about earnings but she didn't want to move me in to hers and give up her tax credits when I didn't have a permanent job and was doing contract work so maybe earnings are a factor.

As for the hypocrisy point, is it not hypocritical that she is offended that my parents think it could go wrong (as relationships often do) whilst she also acknowledges it could go wrong and thus wants her name on the deeds so she can keep the house if it does? Her words about me having control suggest very strongly to me that she is just as aware of negative possibilities as anyone even. FYI, I don't know why she would say anything about control in relation to me as I've barely had any since the relationship began as I've always had to fit in with hers and the children's needs.