Is my partner right to feel aggrieved? Please help.

Mods

podperson wrote: »

To be honest I think you might be better sticking with the original idea of renting first and making sure you can all manage living together as a family. It's going to be a big change for all of you and if there are issues it's much easier to 'back out' of a rental deal.

I can see both sides, from your partners point of view she agreed to sell her own home in order to rent with you. Then this has changed to you buying a house and her putting her equity into it, and then changed again to borrowing from your parents and them putting stipulations on the loan. In each scenario she is getting fewer rights and security and with children she will need to consider these things. Is she also going to be contributing to the mortgage payments on the new house? If she is paying part of the mortgage and putting money in for improvements then I can see how it would rankle for her then to be refused her name on anything on the say so of your parents.
However if you're going to be paying the mortage payments solo then I guess I can understand your parents worrying that she may be getting a lot out of the deal.

Thanks.

The plan as I understood it was for me to buy the house in my name and pay the mortgage alone. She was then to move in with me and release the equity from her house which she would invest in repairs/improvements. At that point, we were going to put her name on the deeds and split the payments but with me earning more I'd take on most of the bills too.

At one point, when we didn't know when her house was going to sell, we were going to move in to a house I would be buying whilst I pay everything so she can service the mortgage payments on her house!

shirlgirl2004

I think she's right to say what she's saying. She will be giving up her children's home and she needs to know that you can't throw her out on the streets a month after she moves into your house.

Of course the children should come first. The mother doesn't drive and she needs to be near their school. That is the reality of making a relationship with someone who already has children.

Mods

marisco wrote: »

With age comes wisdom. Personally I think your parents suggestion for you to rent property together for a while is a very sensible one. It has nothing to do with showing a lack of trust in your partner or being in any way disrespectful to her.

They are proving that they are realists. You really only get to know someone properly when you start to live with them full time. Even in the very best relationships the initial weeks and months of living together test how strong you are, your ability to compromise with each other and to work together as a team. Considering in your case there are children involved too, the adaption to living together needs to be handled really carefully, as I am sure you are astute enough to realise. So your parents are hesitant about you buying a place together in joint names just yet.

I think the only way to find a positive way forward here is to have a completely honest, open and frank discussion with each other. Be prepared to do as much listening as talking and try to get on the same page over really important areas of your relationship. At the moment you both appear to feel unsure of one another and this is causing dischord, anxiety and concern about your futures.

This is exactly what my parents have been saying and what I think I knew in my heart anyway.

You're right in what you said in your last paragraph too. Thanks.

Treevo wrote: »

Manipulation doesn't require a gun. Just someone hoping for the best, ripe for the picking.

If one of your friends was preparing to buy a house and his girlfriend had, instead of waiting for her money to come in, effectively demanded that he find the money from his parents, with no protection for them (or him), what would you advise?

I take your point. I really don't think she's manipulating me to screw me over. She's just putting the kids' security first and understandably so.

shirlgirl2004 wrote: »

I think she's right to say what she's saying. She will be giving up her children's home and she needs to know that you can't throw her out on the streets a month after she moves into your house.

Of course the children should come first. The mother doesn't drive and she needs to be near their school. That is the reality of making a relationship with someone who already has children.

Thanks for your reply.

I know that she's putting trust into me but selling her home was happening before I met her. I wouldn't throw her out onto the streets anyway. I love the children too much. I'd give her a chance to get on her feet if the worst did happen. If we had a son/daughter ourselves, then she could have the house as a home for our kids as she would take better care of them than I.

Similarly, I need to make sure that I won't end up on the streets with all my money tied up in the house if things go wrong, right?

As for the latter part, you're preaching to the choir as I'm fully aware of what a relationship with a single mum involves. I'm not condemning her for this but at the same time I think she should acknowledge that I'm making sacrifices/compromises for them and make some herself.

Mods

vanessav wrote: »

Your fiance's upset over not having an equal share in any house which you get the mortgage for will remain an issue between you and ironically, make your relationship more precarious. She is likely to view having a share in the house as important for her childrens' security, and could give this priority over treating you 'fairly' ' in the event of any break-up.
If you can rent together it will give you both time to make sure that there is the mutual trust and commitment needed to make the relationship work long term. I know that this could be seen as you not loving her unconditionally enough. But if she made you getting a permanent job a condition of living together, I don't see how she can really complain without seeming hypocritical.

You have articulated my thoughts about this perfectly. Thanks.

In fact, thanks to all who have posted so far. Please keep them coming. It's really helping me to understand I think.

paulineb_2

Mods wrote: »

This is exactly what my parents have been saying and what I think I knew in my heart anyway.

You're right in what you said in your last paragraph too. Thanks.



I take your point. I really don't think she's manipulating me to screw me over. She's just putting the kids' security first and understandably so.



Thanks for your reply.

I know that she's putting trust into me but selling her home was happening before I met her. I wouldn't throw her out onto the streets anyway. I love the children too much. I'd give her a chance to get on her feet if the worst did happen. If we had a son/daughter ourselves, then she could have the house as a home for our kids as she would take better care of them than I.

Similarly, I need to make sure that I won't end up on the streets with all my money tied up in the house if things go wrong, right?

As for the latter part, you're preaching to the choir as I'm fully aware of what a relationship with a single mum involves. I'm not condemning her for this but at the same time I think she should acknowledge that I'm making sacrifices/compromises for them and make some herself.

Telling someone you would never throw them out, still doesnt give them security and when you have kids, they need security and need to be priority. And it sounds like shes making them and their security her priority. I wouldnt give up a home to move in with someone if I had absolutely nil security if things ever went wrong.

To be honest, I think the people you really need to be discussing this with is her and your parents.

Mods

paulineb wrote: »

Telling someone you would never throw them out, still doesnt give them security and when you have kids, they need security and need to be priority. And it sounds like shes making them and their security her priority. I wouldnt give up a home to move in with someone if I had absolutely nil security if things ever went wrong.

To be honest, I think the people you really need to be discussing this with is her and your parents.

You're precisely right about how telling someone you would never throw them out is no sort of assurance. Similarly, I can't take her assurances that I'd get the same deal her ex got with the house sale if things go wrong. Do you see what I mean? I need to cover my back too and arguably the best way of doing this is to have a period where what's hers is hers and what's mine is mine until we know it's gonna work. I'm not trying to marginalise her or put the her and the kids under my control. I find it odd that some people can only see it from point of view. Maybe this is a societal attitude that understandably puts women and children first but to the detriment of men. Just a theory.

I presume you mean that I shouldn't discuss it with my parents? Well, she knows about my relationship with them being a close one where I ask for advice and she should accept it and not fight it. Besides, she wanted me ask them for the loan and just I have had to accept her ex being on the scene, she has to accept my parents.

marisco_2

Mods wrote: »

She says she wants things to be equal in the new house. Can we ever be equal when I earn twice as much as she does and she can't buy on her own? I don't care about being equal ( I will provide what I can for them) but she does.

When I was with my ex we saw our joint income as 'ours' which funded our life together, never as 'mine' and 'his'. The percentage each of us contributed to the total became irrelevant to us. We respected that each one worked as hard professionally and in practical and emotional ways to make our life together work and to be happy and strong.

I think it is necessary to have an open and honest discussion about finances and how you will handle this part of your relationship now and in the future. It is a very important area to be in complete agreement over.

Mods

marisco wrote: »

When I was with my ex we saw our joint income as 'ours' which funded our life together, never as 'mine' and 'his'. The percentage each of us contributed to the total became irrelevant to us. We respected that each one worked as hard professionally and in practical and emotional ways to make our life together work and to be happy and strong.

I think it is important to have an open and honest discussion about finances and how you will handle this part of your relationship now and in the future. It is a very important area to be in complete agreement over.

Thanks, Marisco.

Yeah, I agree with your points. I'm perhaps wrong for raising the question about whether we can be equal. If she cares for the kids' most basic needs as well as my needs, then in a sense she contributes far more.

We did have a budgeting discussion which was great but we hadn't anticipated the extent to which the issue of 'what if things go wrong' would dominate our relationship and direction.

marisco_2

Mods wrote: »

We did have a budgeting discussion which was great but we hadn't anticipated the extent to which the issue of 'what if things go wrong' would dominate our relationship and direction.

I think it shows a level of maturity from both of you that there is some considered thought being given to 'what if things go wrong'. By taking all eventualities into account and really thinking things through now, you could prevent alot of problems even occuring. You are entering living together with the full realisation that you are about to entwine your lives and all that this entails. The dynamics of your relationship is about to change in a huge way and you are both finding your feet a little.

Up till now you have been able to enjoy your relationship, whilst remaining financially independant of each other on the whole. It can feel like a bit of a leap of faith when you decide to take that final step and move in with someone. Something you are both facing right now and approaching with understandable caution. By maintaining really good communication I am sure you can navigate your way through this together, reaasure each other and come out the other side all the stronger.

tayforth

Mods wrote: »

You're precisely right about how telling someone you would never throw them out is no sort of assurance. Similarly, I can't take her assurances that I'd get the same deal her ex got with the house sale if things go wrong. Do you see what I mean? I need to cover my back too and arguably the best way of doing this is to have a period where what's hers is hers and what's mine is mine until we know it's gonna work. I'm not trying to marginalise her or put the her and the kids under my control. I find it odd that some people can only see it from point of view. Maybe this is a societal attitude that understandably puts women and children first but to the detriment of men. Just a theory.

I presume you mean that I shouldn't discuss it with my parents? Well, she knows about my relationship with them being a close one where I ask for advice and she should accept it and not fight it. Besides, she wanted me ask them for the loan and just I have had to accept her ex being on the scene, she has to accept my parents.

Um, aren't you already engaged? That would assume a certain level of confidence/belief that it's going to work.

Having said that, I do admire you for posting about this. It's a tricky situation, made more complicated by asking your parents for a loan. I really don't know what to advise, but I do wish you both all the best.