Is my partner right to feel aggrieved? Please help.

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Nessynoo wrote: »

Can you get a bridging loan from your bank until her house is sold?

We could but I think the point is that we need a safety net in case things don't work out. We've never actually lived together officially and until we can live together for at least a short period, I need to make sure my savings/property is protected if we split and so does she.

Treevo wrote: »

It can hardly be seen as buying a house 'together' when one is to pay for it alone. There would be nothing to stop the OP's partner from waiting until the house is bought and then refusing to move and then forcing a sale to get her hands on half the equity.

I trust her enough not to do this. I mean, her ex is a !!!!!!! and she was willing to split 50/50 with him in the interest with fairness. I can't guarantee that if we did split for whatever reason that she would be willing to do this again. I mean, if she were to find herself in a similar situation again but with me as the other party, she might not act in the same way as she did with her ex. Does that make sense?

It's crazy to think of someone I love and trust dearly in this way but given the arguments we've had last few days maybe it's for the best that these issues have been raised.

Toothfairy4

Ah ok, it makes it a bit different if she pushed you to ask your parents for a loan. I got the impression from the first post that she was desperately trying to sell her house in order to fund it yourselves. I really do get your parent's standpoint - they are only trying to protect you and themselves and i dont think its unreasonable at all. If it had been your idea then i could see why she would feel that 'our' house had suddenly become 'your' house and feel pushed out but surely she didnt expect your parents to just hand you £6000 without any questions?

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Mojisola wrote: »

She is being somewhat hypocritical but she's probably going to be sensitive about such issues because of her previous break-up.

If you were my son, I wouldn't give you £6k without some assurance, not necessarily because I didn't trust her but because I've seen good intentions go wrong in the past and I'd rather be cautious than lose my money.

Whatever your situation while just engaged, when you marry it won't matter whose name is on the property, it will become a matrimonial asset.

Equality in a relationship involves a lot more than who earns what. If she is at home doing a greater share of the housework and raising the children, that's a contribution to the household. She's not going to be able to match you pound for pound but, presumably, she'll be bringing up the children and doing more around the house than you will be.

Have a read of this - www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/ - so that you know the position until you get married. She's going to be in quite a vulnerable position if she moves in with you and she will be concerned for her children as well as herself.

Thank you.

Absolutely. To be honest, I always wanted us to have the sort of dynamic where I'm the breadwinner and she takes care of the domestic stuff. I think she likes it that way too. She's an amazing mum and a great partner so all this stuff saddens me.

I already knew the marriage bit. I think that's also why she's so upset but it's a point I've raised with her before.

Treevo

So she's so desperate for you to buy a house for you both that she pushed you into asking your parents for a large chunk of money so you could do it? And alarm bells didn't sound when this happened?

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Treevo wrote: »

I mean quite the opposite. When you're paying for a house completely, but adding another to the deed, you're effectively giving them half the value of the house in cash.

I obviously don't know either of you and I only have your post to go on, but from what you've written it seems as if your partner is happy to benefit from your money, but only as long as it's doing what she wants it to do. Likewise it seems as if she's trying to make out that your parents are against her (so you choose her, only without her actually demanding it) when all they're doing is protecting your financial interests. Does she make an issue if you spend time with your friends rather than with her?

I wouldn't be surprised if she agrees to rent, at first. But then has a lot of sudden problems that make it difficult. And I certainly wouldn't be surprised if the minute you buy a house and her name is on it, that you start having serious problems which will eventually lead to you having to leave and her with another property to live in. Then you'll become the bad guy just as her ex is now.

No, she doesn't try to control me in this way. Quite the opposite actually. She encourages me to keep in touch with friends and has good relationships with my friends.

I really don't think she has hidden agenda. I think she just lets her past determine her actions with me a little bit which is understandable really. As for me, I generally try to be very cautious in hoping for the best but plan for the worst.

Toothfairy4 wrote: »

Ah ok, it makes it a bit different if she pushed you to ask your parents for a loan. I got the impression from the first post that she was desperately trying to sell her house in order to fund it yourselves. I really do get your parent's standpoint - they are only trying to protect you and themselves and i dont think its unreasonable at all. If it had been your idea then i could see why she would feel that 'our' house had suddenly become 'your' house and feel pushed out but surely she didnt expect your parents to just hand you £6000 without any questions?

Actually, she did! She said that if her parents had the money and she were to ask them for it, they would hand it over no questions asked! I doubt it very much.

podperson

To be honest I think you might be better sticking with the original idea of renting first and making sure you can all manage living together as a family. It's going to be a big change for all of you and if there are issues it's much easier to 'back out' of a rental deal.

I can see both sides, from your partners point of view she agreed to sell her own home in order to rent with you. Then this has changed to you buying a house and her putting her equity into it, and then changed again to borrowing from your parents and them putting stipulations on the loan. In each scenario she is getting fewer rights and security and with children she will need to consider these things. Is she also going to be contributing to the mortgage payments on the new house? If she is paying part of the mortgage and putting money in for improvements then I can see how it would rankle for her then to be refused her name on anything on the say so of your parents.
However if you're going to be paying the mortage payments solo then I guess I can understand your parents worrying that she may be getting a lot out of the deal.

Mods

Treevo wrote: »

So she's so desperate for you to buy a house for you both that she pushed you into asking your parents for a large chunk of money so you could do it? And alarm bells didn't sound when this happened?

No alarm bells. She didn't hold a gun to my head or anything. In fact, I can't remember who suggested approaching my parents first but I know that if it was me, I quickly went of the idea only to be encouraged again. I think she might have suggested it actually.

vanessav

Your fiance's upset over not having an equal share in any house which you get the mortgage for will remain an issue between you and ironically, make your relationship more precarious. She is likely to view having a share in the house as important for her childrens' security, and could give this priority over treating you 'fairly' ' in the event of any break-up.
If you can rent together it will give you both time to make sure that there is the mutual trust and commitment needed to make the relationship work long term. I know that this could be seen as you not loving her unconditionally enough. But if she made you getting a permanent job a condition of living together, I don't see how she can really complain without seeming hypocritical.

marisco_2

With age comes wisdom. Personally I think your parents suggestion for you to rent property together for a while is a very sensible one. It has nothing to do with showing a lack of trust in your partner or being in any way disrespectful to her.

They are proving that they are realists. You really only get to know someone properly when you start to live with them full time. Even in the very best relationships the initial weeks and months of living together test how strong you are, your ability to compromise with each other and to work together as a team. Considering in your case there are children involved too, the adaption to living together needs to be handled really carefully, as I am sure you are astute enough to realise. So your parents are hesitant about you buying a place together in joint names just yet.

I think the only way to find a positive way forward here is to have a completely honest, open and frank discussion with each other. Be prepared to do as much listening as talking and try to get on the same page over really important areas of your relationship. At the moment you both appear to feel unsure of one another and this is causing dischord, anxiety and concern about your futures.

Treevo

Mods wrote: »

No alarm bells. She didn't hold a gun to my head or anything. In fact, I can't remember who suggested approaching my parents first but I know that if it was me, I quickly went of the idea only to be encouraged again. I think she might have suggested it actually.

Manipulation doesn't require a gun. Just someone hoping for the best, ripe for the picking.

If one of your friends was preparing to buy a house and his girlfriend had, instead of waiting for her money to come in, effectively demanded that he find the money from his parents, with no protection for them (or him), what would you advise?