Is my partner right to feel aggrieved? Please help.

DeeDee74

Treevo wrote: »

So you use all your money for the house and she uses her money for herself and her children's benefit. You're being used. If you weren't, why would she be so against not having her name on the house for just two years? Because she wants to have her money for herself and your money for herself.

I can see why shes annoyed u want your name only on the mortgage but your happy for her to pay for repairs do the house up furniture it and if she still worth itIIn 2 years u may add her? Whats to stop her spending Her money to make your house nice add value and then u kick her out... umm nowt..
Edited to add it wouldnt be your house with a mortgage its technicaly the banks and still prob would be if you broke up in a short space of time thay would be not equity in it so I see no problem...

burnoutbabe

How much deposit/cash are you putting in and how much is she - her "equity" sounds like pretty much nothing.

You can be tennants in common in the new place, and have unequal shares. Or draw up a declaration of trust where if you sell, you get back the first £x - where £x is the money you put in and then you split the rest in ehatever % you are happy with.

I think planning to buy together when never lived together and she has kids as well is a bit mad, best to rent somewhere. Both will have "security", as both will have money in the bank. its only for a year or so anyway.

Buying a house to do up, is stressful. Living in a place that needs work or is a worksite is stressful. Add to that kids and settling in together stress and it does not sound like the right house for you all.

Mods

DeeDee74 wrote: »

I can see why shes annoyed u want your name only on the mortgage but your happy for her to pay for repairs do the house up furniture it and if she still worth itIIn 2 years u may add her? Whats to stop her spending Her money to make your house nice add value and then u kick her out... umm nowt...

You haven't read my post properly. The suggestion was for her to keep her money and I finance the repairs and improvements gradually over time. This in a sense would be no different to us renting only with the huge advantage of lower monthly payments. If anything, this would be better for us all. We have security if the relationship breaks down prior to names going on the deeds or marriage (e.g. I have the house in my name, she has her nest egg in tact). What's to stop her spending her money? Herself perhaps? I wouldn't expect or demand money from her if her name not on mortgage and deeds.

tattycath

FWIW I split up with my ex-we were engaged and lived in his house with our children. I moved out and ended up with very little. I rented a house with our children for several years and then met my now husband. I moved myself quite a distance to live with him in his house. Ok so I had no security and we didn't really know how things would go once we lived together.
We have been together now over 5 years and are now happily married.
I can see both view points in this and would never have dreamed of insisting on being on the mortgage from day one.

zzzLazyDaisy

Mojisola wrote: »

Sauce for the goose; sauce for the gander!

She wants security in case it all goes wrong but you and your parents aren't allowed to think about what if it all goes wrong because that's not trusting her?

She is selling her house to move in with him and the intention originally was that she would contribute the equity from her property. Then his parents stepped in and offered to lend him the money she was going to put in, on condition that he buys the house in his sole name, and she keeps her equity in the bank.

Frankly I would be P*ssed off in that situation. But it sounds as if they come from different cultural backgrounds, plus OP has never cohabited with anyone before, let alone a mother and her children, and he is several years younger than her. If I was either set of parents, I'd be worried about them buying together at this stage as well.

Mods

burnoutbabe wrote: »

How much deposit/cash are you putting in and how much is she - her "equity" sounds like pretty much nothing.

You can be tennants in common in the new place, and have unequal shares. Or draw up a declaration of trust where if you sell, you get back the first £x - where £x is the money you put in and then you split the rest in ehatever % you are happy with.

I think planning to buy together when never lived together and she has kids as well is a bit mad, best to rent somewhere. Both will have "security", as both will have money in the bank. its only for a year or so anyway.

Buying a house to do up, is stressful. Living in a place that needs work or is a worksite is stressful. Add to that kids and settling in together stress and it does not sound like the right house for you all.

Bolded part is what my parents were thinking.

As for the financial bit, I was initially putting in around £12k and borrowing 90% from the bank.Found ourselves short and I was going to throw in all I had and asked parents for loan.

Her equity is something like £19k but we never discussed in detail how much of that would go into the house or what she intended to do with it beyond those initial repairs and improvements.

DeeDee74

Mods wrote: »

The mortgage would be in my name. I have decision in principle but the actual money has stalled because of valuation issues. I would also be using every last penny of my savings towards the deposit so yes, the deposit is all from my accounts.

She would be putting the equity from her house sale for improvements and repairs. Initially, this would be about £4k for heating, plastering and damp course but she also wanted to use the money for other improvements, wedding, hols and for her and the kids.

Think you need to make up your mind rather than telli g me I dont read your posts!!!!

Mojisola

Mojisola wrote: »

I wouldn't hand over £6k of my money to one of my children without making sure I could get it all back. I'd hate to see it half of it disappearing with the GF if things didn't work out.

maman wrote: »

I would and have to help with a house deposit and I've no intention of asking for it back.

However I would still insist on protection for my money in these circumstances as the GF and her children seem a bit of a 'new addition' to the family so I'd be cautious. It's all very well OP throwing in his lot with her, that's his choice but he can't speak for his parents as well.

I can't afford to give away £6k - lend it to tide someone over a difficult patch but I would need it back.

You would be equally unpopular with the GF because she would see protecting your money as mistrust.

Mods

Just want everyone in here to know that I'm grateful for your contributions even if some of you find me infuriating! No hard feelings.

zzzLazyDaisy

Mods wrote: »

As for the financial bit, I was initially putting in around £12k and borrowing 90% from the bank.Found ourselves short and I was going to throw in all I had and asked parents for loan.

Her equity is something like £19k but we never discussed in detail how much of that would go into the house or what she intended to do with it beyond those initial repairs and improvements.

So if you had waited a couple of weeks or so, she would have been able to put the same amount of money into the house as you are doing. But you never discussed the money side of things, even when the argument blew up about your parent's money?

It seems to me that you have not thought things through at all!