Is my partner right to feel aggrieved? Please help.

skintchick

Mods wrote: »

Yeah, we're engaged but we got engaged before living together. I guess living together is the real test. I know I have many idiosyncrasies and habits that will test her patience to the max when we're under the same roof full time whilst she might struggle having to share the lead with me about how we live in after being the sole captain of her ship for so long.

Thanks for your well wishes. I hope good fortune and kindness is returned to you and everyone else who posted here tonight. The internet is amazing! We're all complete strangers yet you have all taken the time to offer your wisdom or kind words!

If my husband had suggested we need a trial of living together I would have given him the boot! We didn't live together before we married and if he had wanted some kind of trial period is have been furious and upset, like your fianc!e is.

You are out of order and so are your parents. You are either committed to this relationship or you are not. If you are then get on and marry her and if not then end it.

I am cross with you on your fianc!e's behalf!

Alchemilla

Two things about your intended worry me.
1. Is she considering the impact of this on her children above anything else?
2. She pushed you to borrow money and from your family.
This is not the action of a mature and thoughtful person.

geoffky

Nessynoo wrote: »

Can you get a bridging loan from your bank until her house is sold?

Wow just Wow....:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek: Amazing...

Georgiegirl256

skintchick wrote: »

If my husband had suggested we need a trial of living together I would have given him the boot! We didn't live together before we married and if he had wanted some kind of trial period is have been furious and upset, like your fianc!e is.

You are out of order and so are your parents. You are either committed to this relationship or you are not. If you are then get on and marry her and if not then end it.

I am cross with you on your fianc!e's behalf!

It's perfectly sensible to have a trial period living together, especially where there are kids involved. Who knows how things will pan out when everyone is altogether under one roof?

Its called being practical.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

On a purely psychological basis, to most mothers, her dependent children's needs and security will always, ALWAYS, outweigh the needs and security of a fully grown man, perfectly big enough and ugly enough to look after himself. If you haven't realised that until now, then I can see it being a bit of a shock, but she is responsible for their welfare and safety - and if you haven't had a reliable job, have never lived with anyone else other than flatmates and have no experience of parenting/step-parenting, add that onto possible control issues from the ex husband, she's going to be in full on lioness mode. After all, she's been let down by the children's father already.

When there is just a couple, it doesn't matter how mature each other are, you can have a sensible one and a not so sensible one without too many problems - but if there is the slightest hint of acquiring a man-child (and there are plenty of those around) - and letting your parents dictate terms so that she gives up any security for her children for nothing, unless she has another child that she may or may not want - well, it's not that surprising she's considering breaking up over it.



It's better to find out now, rather than after eight months - for example, if you decide that step parenting isn't your thing, then she and her children would be homeless and most likely deemed intentionally homeless by the local council for selling her house, so could have nowhere to go other than some bug infested B&B for months on end.


Like I say, I see both sides - but ultimately, I have to ask whether you are truly ready for the responsibility of this relationship - including the emotional, as well as the practical, side of your needs and feelings being outweighed by the welfare of the children.

cte1111

Mods wrote: »

Self pity? I know I'm guilty of lots of things at times including this but don't project your feelings towards your husband/ex husband on to me. I'm not sure where I cam across as self pitying. I'm not simply going to say that she's right in everything when she isn't! Nor am I right about everything that's happened! That's not self pitying.

You come across as self pitying in several posts IMHO. My husband and I are very happily married, but it's not always easy. However I was trying to explain to you how your partner might be feeling, as you genuinely seem not to understand why she is annoyed.

I can understand your parents concerns, particularly as you have yourself said that you are very immature, but if you want to be happily married then really you do need to put your partner before your parents.

tayforth

Mods wrote: »

Bolded part is what my parents were thinking.

As for the financial bit, I was initially putting in around £12k and borrowing 90% from the bank.Found ourselves short and I was going to throw in all I had and asked parents for loan.

Her equity is something like £19k but we never discussed in detail how much of that would go into the house or what she intended to do with it beyond those initial repairs and improvements.

So your parents have already contributed £6k of your £12k deposit, and you've asked to borrow another £6k?

And she's expecting to have £19k in the bank after her house sells?

Well, the obvious solution is: forget this house that you're looking at. That will take the immediate pressure off you both.

Then have a serious discussion about your relationship. There is a lot of mistrust on both sides, plus a lack of communication and sensitivity.

I agree with those who say that moving in with her and her kids, AND taking on a fixer-upper at the same time, would be very stressful.

If you want to live together, would it be possible for you to live in her house while she's still there? Otherwise, renting would do you both no harm.

Keep saving, and you will add to your deposit. Eventually, you will have as much as her, and you will be in an excellent position to buy if that's what you both want. A 90% mortgage is a very high LTV, you'll get better rates the bigger your deposit.

Treevo

skintchick wrote: »

If my husband had suggested we need a trial of living together I would have given him the boot! We didn't live together before we married and if he had wanted some kind of trial period is have been furious and upset, like your fianc!e is.

You are out of order and so are your parents. You are either committed to this relationship or you are not. If you are then get on and marry her and if not then end it.

I am cross with you on your fianc!e's behalf!

Are you the type to keep £19,000 I'm your own account while demanding that you're intended borrows another £6,000 from his parents?

Seems like it.

cte1111

Treevo wrote: »

Are you the type to keep £19,000 I'm your own account while demanding that you're intended borrows another £6,000 from his parents?

Seems like it.

That isn't what the OP had said though, the loan would be repaid from the £19k after a few weeks.

Treevo

cte1111 wrote: »

That isn't what the OP had said though, the loan would be repaid from the £19k after a few weeks.

While he's paying the full mortgage. So she'll have £13,000 in the bank. And he'll be paying for everything. But she'll own 50%.

She doesn't sound like a user, at all.