Is my partner right to feel aggrieved? Please help.

Treevo

skintchick wrote: »

There was a study. You know, a proper one done by statisticians and everything. I would need to go search for it. Honestly? I CBA. Feel free to go look for it. I know it exists, and a real study trumps your anecdotal stuff

Oh look. A real study that trumps the one you can't be bothered to find. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2118719/Living-marriage-longer-increases-chances-divorce.html

Georgiegirl256

skintchick wrote: »

There was a study. You know, a proper one done by statisticians and everything. I would need to go search for it. Honestly? I CBA. Feel free to go look for it. I know it exists, and a real study trumps your anecdotal stuff

Tbh, I cba looking for it either, I'm not really that bothered, and like Mods said, it's probably because more people live together first before marriage nowadays, so really, it's another waste of money study.

Georgiegirl256

Treevo wrote: »

Oh look. A real study that trumps the one you can't be bothered to find. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2118719/Living-marriage-longer-increases-chances-divorce.html

:rotfl: Proves my point!

FBaby

Mod, as I've said before, living together can bring real surprises. For my and partner, the difficulties we faced were not at all those we were concerned about, but something I would have said with certainty wouldn't be an issue.

His main concern whether he would feel trap, not being able to come and go as he was used to do to meet with friends and do his activities.
My main concern was whether he would cope with living with children. My partner doesn't like children as a whole (the 'they are noisy, messy, annoying' kind of issue). He got along brilliantly with them, my kids are very easy to get along with, but it still a huge gap when they are there all the time.
What we didn't consider for a second is how we would adjust being a committed couple.

As it turned out, he adjusted well with the kids. We all had to make some adjustments, the kids not able to do things they used to do (eating in the living room for instance) and him accepting that there would be more stuff around, but that all felt into place without issues. As for him going out, not an issue at all for me and ironically, gradually, it is him who started to want to go out less and less, preferring to be home with me.

What was tough though is adjusting to trusting each other and relinquishing control. Both had been through difficult relationship that made us very protective of ourselves and of our home. We had totally different habits and tastes in decoration. My partner was totally set with how he wanted to the house done up, I felt excluded, I therefore let him get on with it, which he took as me showing little interest, reinforcing his feeling that the house was still his home, and me feeling like I couldn't make it home. This lead to quite a number of arguments, as a matter of fact, all our arguments. It took quite some time to adjust to this position, compromise and most importantly, trust each other.

I think you are doing the right thing by renting first. You have never lived with someone and unbeknown to you, you might also be set in habits which you might find hard to change if required. Similarly, she will have been used to putting her children first and arrange her life around them, which might take some time for her to realise that it is not just up to you to adjust to their lives but also for her to make some changes. Trust me, visiting and spending some times in her house is completely different to sharing your home with someone else, let alone children, no matter how much you love them.

You will find it much easier to adjust to a life together without having the pressure of knowing that you are linked financially together. That's enough stress on its own to add to the first.

aggypanthus

Having read every post, Can you explain what you meant by cultural differences? Is this the major factor causing you to look to your parents input?

Mods

I was just speculating about cultural factors. If you're wondering where I'm coming from with it, my dad is Asian and whilst he's very much British in his outlook I think there are things that influence their relationship with me. Add to that my mum's life experiences. Think it makes them protective of me and this perhaps means I'm immature than others my age.


Things are okay with my partner. I'm glad we're sticking together and I'm lucky to have someone who understands and isn't holding it against me that buying the house isn't going to happen.

In other areas though, I'm not coping well. I have had a bit of a fall out with my mum who has some mental health issues and finds it hard to communicate and thus acts irrationally and gets extremes of emotions in trying to care for us. I don't know whether they actually want me to be with my partner. I am not going to allow myself to be influenced by this though even if it is sad that things seem to be falling apart.

On top of it all, I'm snowed under with paper work and have meetings coming up at work that need to go well.

Finding it hard to cope at the minute.

Springbean

I think that you would be wise to listen to your parents. Not buying the house, under those circumstances, is a lucky escape for you in my opinion.

You can be in love, whilst also being sensible. Renting would be the better option and I don't blame your parents for spotting all the red flags and trying to help you. You might have found yourself in a much worse position now, if they hadn't.

Noctu

Mods wrote: »

I am starting to conclude that whilst I respect my parents for all they have done and do for me, I rely on them for advice too much. I'm not good at taking decisions and worry excessively about so called risks. I am confused by what they have offered me in that they actually discouraged us from renting on occasions as that wasn't stability enough for the kids whilst they also encouraged joint mortgages on occasions. I'm not sure what changed.

Just wanted to say well done - it's not easy to acknowledge and accept weaknesses in yourself. My DH had to come to exactly the same conclusion a few years back. Since then he has gone from strength to strength in that aspect and I'm proud of him - and you should be of yourself!

The last couple of sentences I've quoted highlight the inherently subjective opinions of parents and financial decisions :rotfl:

securityguy

skintchick wrote: »

There was a study. You know, a proper one done by statisticians and everything. I would need to go search for it. Honestly? I CBA. Feel free to go look for it. I know it exists, and a real study trumps your anecdotal stuff

http://www.ons.gov.uk/ons/rel/population-trends-rd/population-trends/no--139--spring-2010/do-partnerships-last--comparing-marriage-and-cohabitation-using-the-ons-longitudinal-study.pdf

Given it excludes religion, culture and income, it's got a huge number of confounders. A plausible hypothesis would be that being the sort of person who gets married makes you the sort of person who stays together, and if for whatever reason you didn't get married you'd still stay together, while forcing people who weren't going to get married to in fact get married won't affect the outcomes. The study doesn't contain anything to counter that.

aggypanthus

Thanks for your reply above. Sorry about your mums personal problems, must be very hard for everyone. Its good that you felt able to post here, rather than bottling things up. I hope you feel calmer and focused in a few days.