Is my partner right to feel aggrieved? Please help.

Mods

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

So if you had waited a couple of weeks or so, she would have been able to put the same amount of money into the house as you are doing. But you never discussed the money side of things, even when the argument blew up about your parent's money?

It seems to me that you have not thought things through at all!

You're right. We were rushing. We felt pressured to meet the deadlines set by the vendor. We felt pressure from ourselves to get this house and so I ended up offering up the asking price/valuation to ward off competitors.

On the same day I asked them for a loan, we had an email telling us to complete everything in the next few days or forget it so this added to the pressure. We then realised that we might end up in the new place without water, heating and electricity so we then ended up with a logistical nightmare of temporary accomodation, etc and this was what made us think we should ask my parents for a loan. We certainly didn't think it out properly and I wish we had done so that we could avoid the pain we're going through now. Hindsight is always 20/20.

burnoutbabe

if her equity is more than yours then just delay buying until you both have the cash and both put the same into the deposit (so £12k each)

then her remaining £7k pays for improvements whilst you pay the mortgage.

(I still say more sensible to rent but if you are going to buy then i'd insist on the above to make things fair)

Mods

burnoutbabe wrote: »

if her equity is more than yours then just delay buying until you both have the cash and both put the same into the deposit (so £12k each)

then her remaining £7k pays for improvements whilst you pay the mortgage.

(I still say more sensible to rent but if you are going to buy then i'd insist on the above to make things fair)

That could work after a period of renting especially with these help to buy schemes emerging. We'll need to enquire about these too. Be foolish not too.

Georgiegirl256

Mods wrote: »

Self pity? I know I'm guilty of lots of things at times including this but don't project your feelings towards your husband/ex husband on to me. I'm not sure where I cam across as self pitying. I'm not simply going to say that she's right in everything when she isn't! Nor am I right about everything that's happened! That's not self pitying.

IMO, I don't think you are coming across as self pitying at all, it just seems like one of those situations where you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, not knowing what to do for the best.

As much as I can see that your partner is wanting to protect the security of her and her children, I can also see, where your parents are coming from, and that you need to protect your finances too. Not only, would your parents be lending you £6000, but also you (with help from your parents) are paying the deposit too. If the s**t did hit the fan, and things didn't work out (remember, you'd not only be living with her for the first time, but the kids too), then you need to protect yourself.

But, having said that, if she is going to have £19k of equity from her house, then surely within a few weeks, she'd be able to put in as much as you are? Pay your parents back etc.

I don't know if I'm right here, but it's more the fact that your parents are perhaps thinking the relationship isn't going to last, and they are trying to safeguard you from a lot of heartbreak and hassle if it all went t*ts up?

sallysaver

Hi,
I am not here to give any advice on your discussion on which you posted, but can I give you some advice regarding the purchase of a repossessed property?
If said property is a re-possession, it is obviously owned by a finance company i.e. Bank, Building Society or finance house.
You made an offer which was acceptable at the time all of which was subject to survey and subject to contract.
The valuation is less than the agreed price. You need to approach the Estate Agents who are selling the house, show them the survey report(along preferably with reports/estimates for the work which needs doing) and ask them on your behalf to re-negotiate the price of the property. That's what they get paid for!!!!
You might not get it all but on the other hand you may get a nice surprise which will remove some of your 'problem'
After all, whoever eventually buys this property, more or less the same remedial will raise its ugly head. Its worth a try.
Good luck in resolving your issues. Sally

CH27

Financial problems aside I think you are biting off more than you can chew in buying a house that needs doing up whilst learning to live together as a family.
Both things can be stressful & put together have the potential to be a nightmare.

Noctu

You have made the decision to get engaged to her and to buy a house with her. If your parents are worried about her running off with half the £6k that's understandable BUT you have made a commitment to this woman and her children yourself and if she DID screw you over, it'd be up to you to pay it all back and hopefully somehow get the money back off her. Your parents shouldn't be putting you in this situation - whilst yes they have the right to attach conditions to lending their hard earned cash, sometimes placing emotive conditions such as this on a loan can really break apart relationships especially when you are both pretty much relying on this money to tide you over for a short period of time. They should have either said NO, sorry we can't manage it, or YES but (obviously) we need it back in X amount of time and we are lending it specifically to YOU, not you both - putting the onus on you to pay it back even if the crud hits the fan. They should not be using conditions on a monetary loan to question your personal wisdom of getting engaged and making a commitment to this woman IMHO. If they are so worried about it they should have simply said NO.

You are almost 29 years old... I stopped asking my parents for advice about financial decisions many years ago and I've just turned 27, likewise my husband - who in the past would ask his parents about financial decisions - ceased to do so in his mid 20s. Parents cannot provide an objective viewpoint which is what financial decisions should mostly be based on.

(Anyway in this situation you shouldn't be paying over the odds for a house, like another poster said use the estate agent! Everyone negotiates and you should especially negotiate the price when the survey indicates it's overpriced.)

VitaK

You cant really blame her for her reaction to this. The two of you had decided on buying a joint home where both of you would make a financial commitment. Based on your parents advice, you have decided to do it on your own contrary to your agreement with her. I understand why she is in pieces now.

maman

Mojisola wrote: »

I can't afford to give away £6k - lend it to tide someone over a difficult patch but I would need it back.

You would be equally unpopular with the GF because she would see protecting your money as mistrust.

Fair enough if you can't afford it and I suppose because of the dad's redundancy nor can OP's parents. I'm afraid I'd have to put up with the wrath of the GF. I'd want to protect my child (even if he is 29!). There's not a lot parents can do about the risks involved in the relationship but they can protect his (and their) money.

I think my overall advice would be to wait and buy when you can do it financially under your own steam. Tell your GF that it's the best way as involvement of parents is causing grief. THEN before you even start looking again discuss how you're going to fund this: either putting in the same money or an agreement that you own unequal shares. I don't want to sound too pessimistic but for a young, single man to be taking on an older woman with children is a huge step. After you move in, will she be paying her way or are you expected to support everyone? Think carefully about a house that needs work as if you work long hours in a stressful job do you really want to come home to DIY?

dorisday

its your parents money and they can stipulate what they want its up to you whether to accept the conditions or not. Think you really need to have a think about this relationship after what she has said. Perhaps go along with time apart bit (gfs suggestion) and see how it goes from there.