Visitor etiquette

lostinrates

ash28 wrote: »

MY MIL used to live in a tiny sheltered 1 bed bungalow and we used to stay with her and there were 5 of us...MIL used to sleep on the sofa and the 5 of us had the bedroom complete with single bed! We bought a double airbed and a camp bed, our 2 girls topped and tailed in the bed, son on the camp bed and OH and I on the airbed, it was a real tight squeeze but we managed... her neighbours probably loved us visiting because it would have meant her TV was turned down.....you could hear it when you got out of the car.

My own mother ended up in a 1 bed flat and we used to stay with her too.

I think it really depends on the family.

My siblings in law happily sleep on sofas at their dads house, but I think. The ones who have a new baby might feel differently now.

We don't get there but if we did it would definitely be a hotel for us. We prefer our space, and with very limited time off we like to spend a good percentage of it alone and in privacy.

Meanwhile one of my parents Lives with us, and we've lived with the other parent.

In the main though I definitely prefer some autonomy...own hotel space, own hired car if we haven't driven ourselves. If you are not particularly close then tensions over the differences in families can cause problems, by removing that source of tension relations can be easier and that's great for everyone, hopefully making for wonderful family relationships.

notanewuser

Wow. Lots of points to address.

Firstly, the hotel is paid for and won't be refunded if we don't go.

Secondly, yes, everybody agreed to us coming this weekend, said how they were looking forward to seeing us etc. It was chosen so that new baby would definitely have arrived etc. I checked whether there were plans for my niece's birthday, but was told that they weren't planning anything so to come sooner rather than wait. (They all met the baby within a few days of him arriving. We sent a gift but obviously haven't met him yet.)

Things are organised by group text/email/Facebook message because of the number of them. Phonecalls are for emergencies with this lot.

I've actually had separate "conversations" with each SIL. One couple has just moved house, and was excited that we'd be able to go and see them (they're now going to the other brother's for the weekend). They'd think nothing of piling the whole family into the living room of the couple with the new baby, but I don't ever plan to outstay our welcome and want SIL to rest as much as possible, not be entertaining us!

We can't stay with 2 of the brothers because they have small babies and toddlers and no room in their houses anymore. The other couple are expecting very soon, but also have several cats (DH is severely allergic and struggles visiting never mind staying). His parents' house has enough rooms, but they are full to bursting with all the stuff the boys have had over the years but don't want in their homes. Last time get offered to clear 1 single bed for 2 adults and a toddler!!

The visit next month is because they're coming back from holiday and the drive from the airport to ours is shorter than going home. And they don't have to organise a birthday party for the day after they come back then.

I think they genuinely don't care whether we're there or not.

Tigsteroonie

notanewuser wrote: »

I think they genuinely don't care whether we're there or not.

So what else is there to do in the area? Museums, theme parks, theatre, gardens ... Turn it into a weekend away rather than a weekend visiting rellies!

notanewuser

As for DH, there's no criticising his family. He defends them to the hilt. I'm sure it does get to him, but there's no way on earth he'd call them up over it.

notanewuser

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

So what else is there to do in the area? Museums, theme parks, theatre, gardens ... Turn it into a weekend away rather than a weekend visiting rellies!

Might have to.

Mojisola

notanewuser wrote: »

1 of these brothers and family, and DH's parents are coming here for a weekend next month.

My niece will be having a birthday, so I'm expected to sort out a day out for her, a cake and party tea.

Right now I feel like booking a weekend away. DH says its not the same - we must put ourselves out because they'll be staying with us (although I'm reserving the right to change my mind on that one).

To be honest it's the latest thing in a long line that's making it hard for me to want to put in any effort at all. They're all so bloody selfish it makes my blood boil.

There's no way I would be having these people staying in my house next month!

If we ever went away when one of our kids had a birthday, it wasn't up to our hosts to arrange a birthday celebration. What a cheek!

It's much easier for you to cancel their weekend visit - unlike you, they haven't paid out for hotels so they won't be losing anything.

Errata

notanewuser wrote: »

As for DH, there's no criticising his family. He defends them to the hilt. I'm sure it does get to him, but there's no way on earth he'd call them up over it.

Don't criticise them, ask your OH why he thinks they're behaving in the way they are, because you don't understand it and you'd like his help in making sense of it all.

roses

Could you help your SIL rest by going over, looking after the baby & doing some cooking/cleaning? I know it's not the fun week end you planned but it might help her out & get you to bond a bit more too.

notanewuser

roses wrote: »

Could you help your SIL rest by going over, looking after the baby & doing some cooking/cleaning? I know it's not the fun week end you planned but it might help her out & get you to bond a bit more too.

Her mother does her cleaning. We've offered to take her older daughter out for the day on Monday to give her some space.

notanewuser

Errata wrote: »

Don't criticise them, ask your OH why he thinks they're behaving in the way they are, because you don't understand it and you'd like his help in making sense of it all.

It doesn't matter how I put it, it's seen as criticism. His response is always just "that's how my family is".