Visitor etiquette

notanewuser

I need to know whether this is normal or not.

My family have always been very spread out, so travelling to see my nan and aunties etc is completely normal for me. When some one in our family comes to see you, whether they stay with you or not, you don't arrange "normal life" things so that you can spend time together. It's a nice arrangement.

DH's family really differs on this. I've posted about them before. They live far from us (4 hour minimum drive) but within a reasonable distance from each other (max 1 hour). There are DH's parents plus 3 brothers who now all have wives/partners and children.

They don't often visit, but one or more may come for a weekend. Last year they all stayed with us for DD's birthday. That's 8 extra adults and 2 toddlers as well as DH, me and DD. Nobody has visited since, and there are now 3 new babies.

Because of this, we can't stay with any of them when we visit. We stay in hotels near one or other of them. 2 months ago we booked to go up this weekend, and let everybody know. DD is excited to see her cousins. Today I discover that DH's parents are going away for the weekend, and 1 of the brothers and his girlfriend have arranged to go out with and stay with the brother who lives furthest away on Saturday and Sunday. We're not invited. To me it makes a complete waste of our weekend - DH is taking time off to see people who can't be bothered to plan around having family visit. The hotel has cost £200, and we'll be eating out as well. And now I have to find activities for DD because she won't be seeing very much of her cousins after all. DH sees nothing wrong with this at all, because we aren't staying with any of them.

1 of these brothers and family, and DH's parents are coming here for a weekend next month. My niece will be having a birthday, so I'm expected to sort out a day out for her, a cake and party tea. Right now I feel like booking a weekend away. DH says its not the same - we must put ourselves out because they'll be staying with us (although I'm reserving the right to change my mind on that one).

To be honest it's the latest thing in a long line that's making it hard for me to want to put in any effort at all. They're all so bloody selfish it makes my blood boil.

So, does life go on when you have family travel hundreds of miles to see you? Or should you keep the time clear to spend time with them?

Rain_Shadow

I think your in laws are out of order if they made these arrangements after they knew you were visiting.

securityguy

notanewuser wrote: »

2 months ago we booked to go up this weekend, and let everybody know. DD is excited to see her cousins. Today I discover that DH's parents are going away for the weekend,

I'd take that as enemy action, and severely limit my enthusiasm for repeating the experience. I'd also cancel the invitation for them to visit.

Simple test with families: would I put up with this behaviour from friends? If the answer is no, don't put up with it from family, either.

Scrapaholic

I'd say it's not normal . They know you're coming and they've made other plans . Has your DH spoken to them about it or not mentioned it . I think I'd feel annoyed and also hurt that there is no invitation to the brothers house either . I'd probably want to cancel the visit if they're not that bothered to actually be there . Bit of a cheek to be expected to make a big fuss when they visit you !

PinkLipgloss

I personally would keep the weekend free if I knew relatives were visiting for the weekend and staying in a nearby hotel. I don't agree with your husbands distinction on expectations depending on where you stay (relatives house or hotel).

However, that said, were they aware of your expectations? Before booking the hotel did you check dates with them and express your wish for your daughter to spend time with her cousins?

If you did make your wishes clear, then I'd have a diplomatic word with them expressing your disappointment, particularly on behalf of your daughter.

If they don't appreciate your disappointment then don’t waste your time trying to bring them around. Life is too short, try to spend as much time as possible with people who make you and your family happy.

Regardless of the outcome, don't hold a grudge and ensure that you and your family have a fabulous weekend.

notanewuser

Oh yes. I have the text messages comfirming that people would be around this weekend. Seems the only one that's stuck to that is the one that's got a 2 week old baby, so obviously we won't be staying long with them as they'll be shattered.

I just don't get how DH can defend this, or how anybody can think this is acceptable!!!

marisco_2

I can understand why you are feeling upset and a bit miffed. You had arranged with your dh side of the family 2 months ago, to travel for over 4 hours, so as to stay locally to them all and spend quality time with them.

Within a few days of you going, you now discover that your parents in law have decided to go away, instead of being around to see you two and their grandaughter. Also 2 of the brothers and their respective families are meeting up, with no mention of your immediate family being included. Have they all genuinely forgotten about your visit? Have you asked any of them? It seems a very odd way to behave if they haven't just overlooked what you had all planned.

I have family and friends spread all over the country. If any of them were travelling to visit me, then my time and focus would be on being with them whilst they were here and on enjoying their company and vice versa. If you know that you are too busy to do that, then it seems unfair to encourage people to travel long distances to see you, especially when they incur big expenses to do so.

tayforth

I'd be annoyed! Seems very inconsiderate of them.

maman

I remember you posting about them before.

I do think it's odd behaviour if they thought you were all coming up for a family visit. I'm not sure exactly why you can't stay with anyone (is it space even with DH's parents?) but even in a hotel if they knew you were coming it seems strange. Maybe they thought it was specifically to visit the brother with the new arrival.

To be honest if it bugs you that much then ask DH to ask them why they're doing this or tell them he's disappointed not to be seeing them (is he?). Maybe he's ashamed but sticks up for them as it's his family.

I'd see them coming next month as an opportunity to show them how they should behave. I wouldn't sink to their level. BUT, if they insist on treating you so shabbily over time then I would be making my visits to them very infrequent.

Treevo

Did you ask if they'd be available all the time or did you inform them that you'd be coming and just expect it?

*max*

Is it a normal thing for you to be staying a hotel when going to see family?

I know in my family, we'd make space, no matter how small the house (unless you're visiting a person who's single and living alone in a shared house or studio flat obviously). It'd be a case of blow-up matresses and general happy mayhem!