Visitor etiquette

koalamummy

*max* wrote: »

Is it a normal thing for you to be staying a hotel when going to see family?

I know in my family, we'd make space, no matter how small the house (unless you're visiting a person who's single and living alone in a shared house or studio flat obviously). It'd be a case of blow-up matresses and general happy mayhem!

This isn't always practical though. My PIL live in a tiny sheltered housing property. There simply isn't the floor space for DH, our three children, and myself to squeeze in. Also the neighbours most probably wouldn't appreciate the hugely increased noise level. We are not a noisy family, but even so in very confined space five additional people moving about and chatting will increase the decibel level considerably. We stay in nearby hotels out of consideration for them.

Dunroamin

*max* wrote: »

Is it a normal thing for you to be staying a hotel when going to see family?

I know in my family, we'd make space, no matter how small the house (unless you're visiting a person who's single and living alone in a shared house or studio flat obviously). It'd be a case of blow-up matresses and general happy mayhem!

We often used to do this as it can be more convenient and give everybody some breathing space.

74jax

Did you arrange to see them that weekend? What did they say when you mentioned that's the weekend you're down?

We often go to Cardiff to see h2b's family but we don't make 'plans' to see them. If they're free then great.

I personally wouldn't be bothered by this, but you clearly are so I think you should call them and ask if they forgot you were down then, can you go for the meal etc.

If you don't mind, go and have a lovely weekend away.

andygb

74jax wrote: »

We often go to Cardiff to see h2b's family but we don't make 'plans' to see them. If they're free then great.

If like the OP, you have a four hour drive minimum to see your relations, then it would be pure madness NOT to make plans. Would you seriously make a four, five, six hour journey on the off chance of seeing someone?

I think that it is very selfish of the OP's relations not to be available when they visit, and I would question what their priorities in life are.
We had a situation last year, where we visited someone two hours away, and when we got there, she spent the entire time shut away in the kitchen cooking the meal, her husband, was upstairs on the computer, apparently doing urgent work. We were left to entertain her three young children. We were not impressed and have not been in touch since.

To the OP, you don't have to put up with this. It seems that you have been fair and accomodating in the past, but this lot do not seem to want to play fair. Have you spoken to your OH about it?

Treevo

andygb wrote: »

If like the OP, you have a four hour drive minimum to see your relations, then it would be pure madness NOT to make plans. Would you seriously make a four, five, six hour journey on the off chance of seeing someone?

I think that it is very selfish of the OP's relations not to be available when they visit, and I would question what their priorities in life are.
We had a situation last year, where we visited someone two hours away, and when we got there, she spent the entire time shut away in the kitchen cooking the meal, her husband, was upstairs on the computer, apparently doing urgent work. We were left to entertain her three young children. We were not impressed and have not been in touch since.

To the OP, you don't have to put up with this. It seems that you have been fair and accomodating in the past, but this lot do not seem to want to play fair. Have you spoken to your OH about it?

Personally, I find it more selfish to book a weekend to visit and just expect others to be available for the entire time by 'letting them know'. It's quite perplexing as to why the OP would do this when she knows the family aren't like this. Though possibly not as perplexing if you consider the potential outcome would probably greatly please the OP.

valk_scot

I think the key question is did you discuss with them if it would be a good weekend to visit before you booked? I have to say I don't actually think much of text messages in a case like this, I'd phone and have a chat rather than "I'm thinking of coming up 4/5/66, will you be around?" Then you can discuss what you can do re meals, food etc and it's more likely to be seen as a proper arrangement.

Though tbh, I wouldn't actually ask myself to someone's for a weekend, whether I was staying in a hotel or not. I'd wait to be asked. It's a bit ott to tell people you'll be up for such and such weekend and then expect them to keep it clear round you especially if you didn't ask in advance if it would be a convenient weekend. And then just expect them to have arranged activities for you without any sort of discussion. They probably think you're going to be on a weekend trip in the area and are going to pop in to see the new baby, unless you'd made it quite clear that you were wanting them on tap for the whole weekend. Just because your family would do it one way it doesn't mean that other families do, and your OH seeing it as quite normal means this is probably the case for his family.


If you don't want it done that way, cancel the hotel and spend the money on something fun at home. Then take a deep breath and phone your in-laws yourself, explain you'd got your wires crossed somewhere and that you'd been wanting to see all of them and do some all day family activities with the cousins so could we sort a weekend out together and make some firm plans? Then book the hotel. Just because they need prompting as to your system doesn't make them bad inlaws, you know.

As to the visitors next month you can either throw a strop about the percieved slight or carry on with your normal way of doing things. But it IS different if they're staying with you, you're responsible for meals and beds and some structure, though often families do go and do their own thing during the day rather than have to go around in a herd tbh. As to the birthday, well, if they're coming to see you that weekend that must mean they want to include you in an important family event, it would take a lot for me to have dragged my kids away from their friends on their birthday weekend. Actually that might have been a better weekend for you to visit them, at least you'd have known they'd all been around!

ash28

koalamummy wrote: »

This isn't always practical though. My PIL live in a tiny sheltered housing property. There simply isn't the floor space for DH, our three children, and myself to squeeze in. Also the neighbours most probably wouldn't appreciate the hugely increased noise level. We are not a noisy family, but even so in very confined space five additional people moving about and chatting will increase the decibel level considerably. We stay in nearby hotels out of consideration for them.

MY MIL used to live in a tiny sheltered 1 bed bungalow and we used to stay with her and there were 5 of us...MIL used to sleep on the sofa and the 5 of us had the bedroom complete with single bed! We bought a double airbed and a camp bed, our 2 girls topped and tailed in the bed, son on the camp bed and OH and I on the airbed, it was a real tight squeeze but we managed... her neighbours probably loved us visiting because it would have meant her TV was turned down.....you could hear it when you got out of the car.

My own mother ended up in a 1 bed flat and we used to stay with her too.

peachyprice

Pah, I'd cancel and spend some of the £200 doing something lovely with my family.

Honestly, you said you checked they would be around, they presumabley said they would, now they've made alternative plans? Sounds like they're avoiding your visit to me.

aileth

My parents are only an hour away, but if we made plans to see them, book a hotel and make a weekend of it, and then I found out they had made arrangements excluding me to go elsewhere in the meantime, I'd be hopping!

TeamLowe

TBH if say, my sister said to me 'I'm thinking of coming home on x weekend to see the family and staying in y hotel, are you around?' i'd say yes and expect to spend an hour or two with her, maybe a family meal. In fact when she used to stay at mum's and we had our own place, that's how much i saw her when she came home for weekends, although she doesn't really like me so it might be different lol

We travelled for hours to go stay near DH's Auntie for the weekend when she had a newborn baby but only spent an hour or two there (would've been shorter but she clearly adored having her nephew around ) so to me it wouldn't be strange for you to be going there with the express intention of meeting the new baby

the bit that would bother me the most is the business of one brother going to see the other- have wires got crossed there and someone was meant to invite you, or they've assumed the weekend isn't happening now cos the parents are away? or that you only want to see the new baby, which again, to me would be fair enough