Visitor etiquette

balletshoes

Hmm ~ i can see both sides a bit here.
i,m the one who lives 400 miles away from my mum and 2 of my siblings (they all live in the same town). My dd,s school hols are often different from theirs so its usually business as normal in their lives when we go there. my niece may be on an access visit to her mum and sisters so i might not see her. my brother might be working early morning til late evening.
the only person i check will definitely be around for our visit is my mum.
as a family we all get on great, are there for each other in times of trouble etc. when we go visit my home town we do touristy stuff when my family is working/doing their own thing.

however i can see why you,d be upset if you arranged in advance to see family members on your visit and now since then they,ve made other plans which could have been arranged at another time.

Mojisola

sazpot wrote: »

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I think you should be going ahead with your nieces birthday, it isn't her fault the plans were made as they have been, she should have a good birthday and I am sure your daughter will enjoy it too. Rather than making tea you could book somewhere to go out and save yourself the work and they can all pay for themselves!

If the relatives don't come to notanewuser's home for that weekend, are they really going to ignore their own daughter's birthday?

It's up to them to arrange some kind of celebration for their child.

Grumpygit

They may have forgotten which weekend you were going up and made plans....which is unfortunate.

You really have only a few choices about that weekend....

Go up and see the SIL with the baby and then make the weekend about your little family

See if you can change the hotel booking to another weekend (or even another hotel if it's in a chain - go somewhere completely different)

Don't go and lose the £200 but save your sanity

As for the weekend with you, if you think that they still do need to come to you, book a lunch out for the party - I certainly wouldn't be running around trying to organise cakes etc for a party when the stay with you is only a convenience not any special effort.

I would be having some very strong words with DH about this and how it makes you feel and how you feel sorry for your child that the grand parents don't seem to want to see dd.

If DH goes off on one with you about his family, then.....have you thought about visiting your family and leaving DH alone with them?

notanewuser

Grumpygit wrote: »

They may have forgotten which weekend you were going up and made plans....which is unfortunate.

You really have only a few choices about that weekend....

Go up and see the SIL with the baby and then make the weekend about your little family

See if you can change the hotel booking to another weekend (or even another hotel if it's in a chain - go somewhere completely different)

Don't go and lose the £200 but save your sanity

As for the weekend with you, if you think that they still do need to come to you, book a lunch out for the party - I certainly wouldn't be running around trying to organise cakes etc for a party when the stay with you is only a convenience not any special effort.

I would be having some very strong words with DH about this and how it makes you feel and how you feel sorry for your child that the grand parents don't seem to want to see dd.

If DH goes off on one with you about his family, then.....have you thought about visiting your family and leaving DH alone with them?

They didn't forget - there have been messages flying around regularly in the past few weeks.

DH's family are 300 miles north of us, my family are 250 miles east of us!! I've not long seen them - DD and I went for a long weekend before Easter. DH rarely comes to visit them.

I want DD to know her cousins, aunties, uncles and grandparents, but I get the message loud and clear that they couldn't care less about her.

The hotel room can't be changed or moved unfortunately, and we need to meet our new nephew. Weather forecast is !!!! so I suppose I'd better find some indoor tourist attractions.

andygb

notanewuser wrote: »

As for DH, there's no criticising his family. He defends them to the hilt. I'm sure it does get to him, but there's no way on earth he'd call them up over it.

It used to be that way with my "outlaws", but they well and truly "blotted their copybook" last year, and the OH has seen the light.
It is really difficult when this "blind loyalty" takes over.
I prefer the old saying that - "you can choose your friends but not your relations".

Errata

notanewuser wrote: »

They didn't forget - there have been messages flying around regularly in the past few weeks.

DH's family are 300 miles north of us, my family are 250 miles east of us!! I've not long seen them - DD and I went for a long weekend before Easter. DH rarely comes to visit them.

I want DD to know her cousins, aunties, uncles and grandparents, but I get the message loud and clear that they couldn't care less about her.

The hotel room can't be changed or moved unfortunately, and we need to meet our new nephew. Weather forecast is !!!! so I suppose I'd better find some indoor tourist attractions.

TBH if your DD only sees them 3 or 4 times a year for a very few hours, she's not going to get to know them in any meaningful way other than the fact that they exist and are related to her.

notanewuser

Errata wrote: »

TBH if your DD only sees them 3 or 4 times a year for a very few hours, she's not going to get to know them in any meaningful way other than the fact that they exist and are related to her.

We try to go up every 2 months plus any special occasions. With the breeding programme that's going on up there that will only increase. There will be birthdays in January, April, June and September plus we take DD up there around her birthday (October) and do a pre-Xmas visit too.

It's as much of a reminder to them that she exists as it is to see them.

reehsetin

I could understand your OHs attitude if you'd just happened to be in the area, however, if it wasn't for the fact the family are there you wouldn't go so of course it's important, especially as they knew you were coming and planned to see them. If your OH won't say any more I would at the very least mention to them that it's a shame you won't be there and the little one was planning on spending time with the other kids.

zzzLazyDaisy

Have the two brothers actually said that you are not welcome to visit? Or is it just that they haven't expressly given you an invitation to join them?

I'd suggest that you get OH to phone his siblings and make arrangements to visit them while you are down there. They are his family after all, it is up to him top sort something out.

If it bothers you that much, then don't do the long trips any more, just invite them to yours and let them make the effort. If you don't want to cater for the niece's birthday, ask her mother what her plans are, and does she want you to make a booking at a local restaurant.

In the end you can't change how people are, and you can't make them have the sort of relationship with your daughter that you like her to have with them, if they are not so inclined. All you can do is decide what is acceptable to you, given the circumstances, and act accordingly. There is just no point in getting in a twist over them not behaving as you think they should, if that isn't going to happen.

74jax

andygb wrote: »

If like the OP, you have a four hour drive minimum to see your relations, then it would be pure madness NOT to make plans. Would you seriously make a four, five, six hour journey on the off chance of seeing someone?

It's around 6 hours to get to H2B family - we're in North East.

We often have weekends away, so it's just classed as that to us. We say something like 'ooooo we're down 2nd weekend in June' or whatever, and leave it at that.

It's not madness to us, but like I said to the OP it clearly matters to her so she should say something. But I was meaning to 'us' it's not unusual - which is what the op was asking.

We have been in a similar situation, H2B's parents got a deal to go to London when we were down and so said they wouldn't be around (it was about 3 weeks before we were due down) and it really didn't bother us. They had a fabulous time and we heard all about it on the phone, I agree it would have been great to see them, but don't be-grudge them taking the deal.

H2B and I love our time away, we don't like to plan or set things in stone so to us we wouldn't mind. Which is what i was trying to say.