Existing, not living (Life)

heartbreak_star

barbarawright wrote: »

I know you keep saying you're keeping up appearances for the children but they aren't really children are they? They are young adults and not stupid - they know their parents don't get on and probably hate the fact that you are staying together for their sake. My parents split when I was a teenager and I can honestly say that having them living together and squabbling the whole time was far worse than having them living apart. I hope you can make changes in your life soon but please don't think you need to put up with this dreadful situation because of two young adults, one of whom will be leaving home very soon anyway.

This is spot on. It's not like they're tiny - they're old enough to stand on their own feet.

If I was your child I'd be telling you to drop the ridiculous pretence.

Please see someone about getting out now.

I wish you well - good luck!

HBS x

Wickedkitten

ceebeeby wrote: »

I do come across as very lazy for putting up with it all, but to be honest, it's just to avoid further rants / rages

He sounds like an absolute plank. How is he going to act like your Daddy telling you that you can't see other people whilst you are living under the same roof despite the fact that he is your ex, and then the next he is throwing a temper tantrum because you haven't made up his lunchbox like he is a little kid.

You will never ever be able to get those eighteen years back, but you damn well owe it to yourself not to waste anymore even if you do have to have to live with him until you sell the house and pay off all of the debts.

ceebeeby

Thanks to everyone for all the finance advice.

I've taken baby steps to look into estate agents, plus posted up my SOA here: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4589311

Kayalana99

ceebeeby wrote: »

Yes. But I'm reasonably sensible and know he's abusive - but he is very convincing in what he says about me. I genuinely do believe I'm not squeaky clean though, and there are nuggets of truth in what he says.
I just want to test the waters to see if someone else says the same!

I could of wrote this 2 years ago!!

Me and my Ex argured constantly, he was emotionally abusive and made me feel like poo in myself...who is going to want me? He told me my head was messed up and no one understood me like he did and he was the only person in the world who I could be with cause they wouldn't understand my 'problems' and would think I was a freak. (I don't even have 'problems' now I am not with him!!) We fought constantly in which I *felt* like it was mostly him but he would turn it round on me and make it out like I started it..and I did this wrong...and this was totally unacceptable for me to treat him this way (like going home to take a shower because his 9 year old brother lived with him and thier was no lock on the door but walked in and out at his own leasuire regardless of who was in the shower)...it was wrong of me to go home basicly because I was working two jobs so he never saw me ... I wasn't acting like people do in relationships...

In my head I was horrible person who didn't deserve to be happy but at the back of my head was this voice saying would I be like this with someone else? I didnt want to argue yet we did is it really just part of me?


I'm now engaged with my 2nd child on the way to my lovely OH...we argue about things ..but probally most once a week over silly things(probally wouldn't be this high bt my pregnacy horomons are rattling atm lol) and we always say sorry straight away ...we don't shout and scream at each other and play stupid games to hurt each other...

I know I can't blame my ex for the things I did to him or he did to me, but I know not being with him I am 100* better a person..

quantic

A friend of mine met a girl who was in a similar situation to you, she lived with her partner and were separated but couldn't move out because of a combination of debt and negative equity. Things got pretty serious between my friend and the girl and - believe it or not he eventually ended up moving in, as did his girlfriends ex's new partner.

So at this point you have two exes and their partners living together, in a very small house might I add, 1 toilet and 2 bedrooms, most of the time avoiding each other but occasionally bumping into each other and also massive rows with each other. Her partner was very abusive and while my friend would have loved to have kicked the living !!!! out of him, he promised not to get involved.

Anyways, a nightmare situation but 3 years on, my buddy and his now wife are living in their own house, and have just had their first baby together.

I don't know what you can draw from my story, but just thought I would tell you because even the most awful situations sometimes work out ok

ceebeeby

Kayalana99 wrote: »

Me and my Ex argured constantly, he was emotionally abusive and made me feel like poo in myself...who is going to want me? He told me my head was messed up and no one understood me like he did and he was the only person in the world who I could be with cause they wouldn't understand my 'problems' and would think I was a freak. We fought constantly in which I *felt* like it was mostly him but he would turn it round on me and make it out like I started it..and I did this wrong...and this was totally unacceptable for me to treat him this way

That's it perfectly to a word - I couldn't have explained it better!
But did yours ever turn it around and start being really nice - that's the bit I find so challenging?
Do you think abusive partners do this deliberately, or do you think it's nature?

ostrichnomore_2

It's deliberate. Nice cop/nasty cop.

Well done Ceebeeby on having that wake up moment. You really can't continue like this. He sounds like a nightmare. No, you probably aren't 100% perfect, but you don't deserve this at all.

Your children are not little children - one is an adult and one is nearly an adult. They understand. These are not confused toddlers here that might (and I actually doubt this) benefit from a bit of continuing playing at happy families now and then.

I don't get the pretence with going out together, eating together etc. I don't think it's petty to say 'I'll sort the kids and my food, you sort yours, as we are separated now. We are just housesharers'. If he wants to take the kids to see his family, why are you still going? If you want to also stay in touch with his family, do your own visits. If you don't, stop going altogether.

Start making plans for your own new life. Don't submit to living in limbo any longer. What would you like to change? Given your kids ages it's time to start making new plans now anyway - they'll soon be off for their own adult lives. Work? Study? What area would you like to live in? New relationship -YES you can and it's none of his business. I thought initially you'd have problems with babysitters etc but there's nothing to stop you getting out and about.

Kayalana99

I wouldn't say really nice....but when we got on we got on well if that makes sense.. But he was never the type of guy to bring home flowers or make me dinner once in a while but if we broke up and got back together you could tell he was really trying to keep me happy and not argue but it never lasted long -.-

It could be either as my Ex just could never see what he did wrong, he could never admit it even over the smallest thing and he'd kind of talk me back round not by saying sorry but by saying how good we are together. I guess what it comes down to at the end day as thier so nasty/put us down to make us belive we can't do better so we don't leave them...and generally I think these people are either they see themselfs so low that they bring you down with them to make themselfs feel better or they think so highly of themselves that they actally belive your complety worthless....like mine did...even if I spoke to him now he would blame it all on me and refuse to see fault in himself.....

Thats not to say that some of these controlive people don't do it deliberately either though.

Perhaps have a read of Tayforths thread as the advice in thier is amazing and she was in a simlar situation relationship wise...although I think its probally over a days reading material in thier now!!

ceebeeby

ostrichnomore wrote: »

What would you like to change? Given your kids ages it's time to start making new plans now anyway - they'll soon be off for their own adult lives. Work? Study? What area would you like to live in? New relationship -YES you can and it's none of his business. I thought initially you'd have problems with babysitters etc but there's nothing to stop you getting out and about.

Wow - that's like being given 20 wishes. What would I change!!

Work - I love my job, so would keep that
Volunteering - I'd carry on doing that
Home - I'd add a puppy and chickens to our family
House - 3 beds but def 2 toilets !!! with a garden, somewhere not far from where we are now for school / work / uni commute. Just rented for next two years until school finishes and then move closer to work / uni.
Children - I'd let them have sleepovers every weekend
BBQ - In the summer, we'd have parties in the garden for friends - I've never done that
Dinner - If we're all tired, we'll have cereal and toast for dinner, or a micro baked potato ... or take-away!! On lap trays in the lounge :T
TV - I'd only have one TV in the house, in the lounge, and we've all got to compromise on what rubbish we watch :rotfl:
New Relationships - I'd love to go on a date ... but that's about all I'm ready for. I'd really like to meet a man who was happy to be friends / take things really really slowly and go out maybe once or twice a fortnight
Holidays - I love love love going on holiday - somewhere in the sunshine just me and the children
House Rules - we all get to set them together. I'd have "no shouting and no swear words" at the very top of the list
Friends Days - where we all invite whoever we want over, and everyone gets to know new people, just a social event

It all sounds so silly and trivial, but I think that's what would make me happy

gizmo111

ceebeeby wrote: »

Wow - that's like being given 20 wishes. What would I change!!

Work - I love my job, so would keep that
Volunteering - I'd carry on doing that
Home - I'd add a puppy and chickens to our family
House - 3 beds but def 2 toilets !!! with a garden, somewhere not far from where we are now for school / work / uni commute. Just rented for next two years until school finishes and then move closer to work / uni.
Children - I'd let them have sleepovers every weekend
BBQ - In the summer, we'd have parties in the garden for friends - I've never done that
Dinner - If we're all tired, we'll have cereal and toast for dinner, or a micro baked potato ... or take-away!! On lap trays in the lounge :T
TV - I'd only have one TV in the house, in the lounge, and we've all got to compromise on what rubbish we watch :rotfl:
New Relationships - I'd love to go on a date ... but that's about all I'm ready for. I'd really like to meet a man who was happy to be friends / take things really really slowly and go out maybe once or twice a fortnight
Holidays - I love love love going on holiday - somewhere in the sunshine just me and the children
House Rules - we all get to set them together. I'd have "no shouting and no swear words" at the very top of the list
Friends Days - where we all invite whoever we want over, and everyone gets to know new people, just a social event

It all sounds so silly and trivial, but I think that's what would make me happy

Not trivial at all - all pretty normal stuff.

AND

It is all within your reach very quickly