Existing, not living (Life)

tayforth

ceebeeby wrote: »

My head is so far buried in the sand it taking a while to see the sunshine.

Also, I'm not convinced that I'm as squeaky clean in this as you are making me feel ... I do 'put up' with a lot - but he says he does too.

I don't do much house-work anymore. I do kids bits and bobs and keep things like kitchen and bathrooms clean, and sort out shopping and meals - but that's it (other than an occasional dust and hoover). And, I have a mouth on me which isn't slow at letting him know when he's crossed the line.

Calling me a "f***in c**t" in front of the children means I won't make him packed lunch for a week. Does that count as standing up for myself.

OMG - I've just read that back! :eek: That's so not okay is it!!:o

ceebeeby wrote: »

I do come across as very lazy for putting up with it all, but to be honest, it's just to avoid further rants / rages

PLEASE stop blaming yourself.

Speak to Women's Aid, the Samaritans, anyone.

You are being abused my this man, to the extent that you are blaming yourself. You have been worn down by him. You are altering your behaviour so as not to provoke him.

I was like you. In the last few months, I wondered what was wrong with me. I had lost interest in housework, going out, seeing friends - just about everything. I chastised myself, I thought that I was depressed.

I also started answering my OH back. I had never been one for arguments, but suddenly I was telling him to keep his voice down and even to shut up. I gradually started to detach from him emotionally, telling him that his words had no impact on me any more. I slept in the spare room almost every night for the last 2-3 months. He accused ME of being a bad wife!!!!

Then I started a thread here, went to the Samaritans and read some of these articles. It was as if a light had been switched on in my head. I ended my marriage and put my ex out of the house 16 days ago and I'm so glad that I did.

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/abusive-relationships/

ostrichnomore_2

I share a house with my ex too and a lot of people thought I was nuts to even consider it, but our situation is so different to yours. We have our own lives, and it's just like normal housesharing (except we actually very rarely bump into each other). We have our own cupboards/fridge shelves/food/laundry store and supplies etc, we don't share anything any more beyond both having to cook in same kitchen (at different times) and use same shower (at different times, lol). We both use the washing machine but separately. Those are the only communal things I can think of. we don't socialise together. We don't watch TV together (I leave the living room to him most of the time, I'm quite comfy with my own sofa and TV in my room). We don't eat together. He is in a relationship and I've just started one as well - we have agreed a rule not to bring partners back to the house to avoid any awkwardness, but we are free agents other than that. We are polite to each other, say hi if we do bump into each other, but that's it. No chit chat beyond what you might say in passing to a neighbour you don't really know 'hi, phew hot today' hi, yes' both keep walking.

Why on earth are you still sharing a life 'together' with your ex. Normal houseshares don't do that, so why are you? Why are you shopping and cooking and cleaning for him? He's nothing more to you than any other random houseshare lodger. Why are you letting him dictate about a new relationship - it's none of his business.

You aren't really separated. You just aren't sleeping together. There's a massive difference between the two.

It sounds as if he is quite abusive and that's so far destroyed your ability to stand up for yourself and stop all this nonsense carrying on. No, you can't possibly continue to 'exist' like this for the next few years. You are wasting your life letting a git continue to control you even though he isn't even your partner any more. Please do arrange to talk to him and stand up for yourself and get the house on a normal houseshare basis if you really really can't move out. So no more shared anything - own cooking stuff, own towels, own toilet rolls, organise 'my' cupboards and 'his' cupboards, put together a cleaning rota, stop doing anything personal like shopping/cooking for him.

Remember, you have to live with him, but he also has to live with you. He doesn't have more rights in the house than you, or a stronger position, he's just got you where he wants you by being a bully. Stand up for yourself. Can a friend or relative come to a meeting with him along with you to give you some support?

Or if you really can't face all that, you have to find a way to move out somehow.

rpc

ceebeeby wrote: »

Also, I'm not convinced that I'm as squeaky clean in this as you are making me feel ...

You probably aren't. Nobody is. That doesn't justify the current situation though!

The kids will (probably) be happier when their parents are separated and getting on with their lives. Now when the house is full of tension and swearing and shouting. Two happy homes is better than one battlefield of a house.

ceebeeby

Thanks Ostrichnomore - yours sounds like the sort of arrangement I would welcome having, except because there are children, I wouldn't want them to be worried about whose cupboard to take a biscuit from!

Largely for the children, we still sit at the dinner table together for meals, we will occasionally go out together (I mean like once every two months) for example to see his mother, otherwise, we pretty much do just pass each other by.

I do his meals etc. because I'm doing them anyway for the children (sometimes they'll do the cooking), and it seems petty not to include him.

I don't have any family, and I've deliberately not included friends in my home life for years and years because of his behaviour (I think it would upset them). I have a couple of friends who I'm close enough too, to tell them home is rubbish, but that's it - no more detail than that. I would never bring them into a mediation situation.

Lovelyjoolz

ceebeeby wrote: »

Why are you even making his lunch?

Easy enough to do when I'm doing mine and kids - saves further rants and rages

Why can you not see that you're being abused?? If he rants and rages if you don't make him lunch, this is not normal behaviour!!

Would you allow your next door neighbour to scream at you for not making her lunch? No, of course not. But you must see that him doing it is no different. He has no right to treat you like that, and a decent person would not treat you like that.

ceebeeby wrote: »

... I do come across as very lazy for putting up with it all, but to be honest, it's just to avoid further rants / rages

You don't come across as lazy, you are coming across as a doormat. Sorry if that's harsh, but you are just lying down and taking what he dishes out. You need to come to the realisation that this is NOT NORMAL and you don't have to put up with this. He is an abusive bully and you cannot continue to live like this.

How can you bear to have your children witness this? What would you say to your eldest if you found out her partner called her a "F****** C***"????? You'd tell her to get out. You must do the same.

The support you will receive from this forum will be amazing - keep posting, let people help you, do everything you can but GET OUT!!!

ceebeeby

rpc wrote: »

The kids will (probably) be happier when their parents are separated and getting on with their lives. QUOTE]

After last nights debacle, eldest child (20) said to me this morning that she would be really pleased if I were to meet someone who treated me right. Youngest (16) gave me a massive hug and when I asked why I was getting such an unusually big hug said "I didn't know you were so lonely" and gave me a huge smile.

I am super lucky to have such fabulous, well adjusted children - even if I do moan about them sometimes

barbarawright

I know you keep saying you're keeping up appearances for the children but they aren't really children are they? They are young adults and not stupid - they know their parents don't get on and probably hate the fact that you are staying together for their sake. My parents split when I was a teenager and I can honestly say that having them living together and squabbling the whole time was far worse than having them living apart. I hope you can make changes in your life soon but please don't think you need to put up with this dreadful situation because of two young adults, one of whom will be leaving home very soon anyway.

ceebeeby

Thanks Barbara. It's helpful to hear that sometimes.

Because I grew up 'without' a family, I've always been so protective of them having one. I do wonder if that's clouded my judgement.

I think I just felt lucky that I was in "a secure" relationship, which was something I'd never had before. It took me a very very long time to realise that it wasn't normal or okay - I just accepted what I had.

Treevo

ceebeeby wrote: »

rpc wrote: »

The kids will (probably) be happier when their parents are separated and getting on with their lives. QUOTE]

After last nights debacle, eldest child (20) said to me this morning that she would be really pleased if I were to meet someone who treated me right. Youngest (16) gave me a massive hug and when I asked why I was getting such an unusually big hug said "I didn't know you were so lonely" and gave me a huge smile.

I am super lucky to have such fabulous, well adjusted children - even if I do moan about them sometimes

Your kids know what your ex is. You need to know too. He's a monster, put simply.

So you going bankrupt would ruin his career? There's a massive bargaining chip if I ever saw one.

You can't go on like this for the next four years.

gizmo111

ceebeeby wrote: »

rpc wrote: »

The kids will (probably) be happier when their parents are separated and getting on with their lives. QUOTE]

After last nights debacle, eldest child (20) said to me this morning that she would be really pleased if I were to meet someone who treated me right. Youngest (16) gave me a massive hug and when I asked why I was getting such an unusually big hug said "I didn't know you were so lonely" and gave me a huge smile.

I am super lucky to have such fabulous, well adjusted children - even if I do moan about them sometimes

Which is worrying in itself - why does there have to be this discussion about meeting someone new - get out of this situation, live independently, regain your self esteem and confidence then think about someone else.

Your children seem supportive - however consider what they have had to adjust to and what they are living through.

I dont understand this keeping up appearances and going out as a family, eating together etc - you are either seperated or not.