Existing, not living (Life)

ceebeeby

DH and I are separated, but live in the same house.

Its tense, but manageable - we share mealtimes and the occasional TV programme, very occasional trips with DD ... And that's about it.
We have separate bedrooms, and I use mine basically for living in, whilst DH uses downstairs and his room. This situation has continued for about 3 years. I'm not sure of the relevance here, but to DH I am his pile of !!!!! he has to put up with, and in his ideal world, everyone would agree with that and exonerate him from any share of blame for our situation.

I am very lonely in this loveless existence. I loathe and hate how the children must feel. We've been together for 18 difficult years, and again, in his words, they're wasted years we'll never get back.
The problem is we're trapped by debt until 2017. We've looked at ways out, but there really aren't any other than a lottery win!!

I don't want to wait another 4 years before trying to find a new life. I want a someone to hold my hand, or to smile at me and care about me. I don't want a forever partner, but I want to be able to go on dates, and still feel like a woman instead of that pile of poo.

DH thinks this is the most disgusting and disgraceful idea ever. He agrees we're separated but says whilst we live under the same roof, no way, and he immediately told the children that I was going out with other men, which didn't upset them as much as he wanted it too, but still hurt them, just because of the way he said it (I'd have told them, but not like that).

Arghh, am I that pile of poo for wanting more out of life than I've got, or do you think I should wait until we move out of the house in 2017?

tayforth

Oh my God ((((((HUGS))))))

Of course you can't stay another 4 years, you only get one life and your OH sounds awful.

Do you have anywhere you could go? Family, even?

Tell us more about the debt and we'll see what we can suggest. Also, try the DFW board, they're amazing at getting people's outgoings down.

xxxx

duckeggblue

So. Lets get this straight. Your separated but he thinks he can control who you see . Disgraceful. Has he always been like this? XX

ceebeeby

tayforth wrote: »

your OH sounds awful.

xxxx

Arghh, I've done the classic one side of the story thing. He's actually not always all bad, but he has horrific humdinger moments.
Also, my angel wings and halo are well tarnished and dusty! Just so its not all about "he's bad, I'm perfect" because that wouldn't be fair.

I don't have any family.

Thank you for caring enough to reply xx

ceebeeby

duckeggblue wrote: »

Has he always been like this? XX

Yes .

duckeggblue

Hmm.
He's always been controlling, but sometimes he's nice. Do you ever recognise a pattern, like -nice nasty, nice nasty?

ceebeeby

More nasty, nasty, nice to be honest.

duckeggblue

Do you know that you deserve so much better.

ceebeeby

No, I don't know that I deserve it, but I would like it!

duckeggblue

Well, why don't you think you deserve it? Xx
Is this how he makes you feel? Xx

tayforth

ceebeeby wrote: »

Arghh, I've done the classic one side of the story thing. He's actually not always all bad, but he has horrific humdinger moments.
Also, my angel wings and halo are well tarnished and dusty! Just so its not all about "he's bad, I'm perfect" because that wouldn't be fair.

I don't have any family.

Thank you for caring enough to reply xx

This is exactly what I told the Samaritans a few weeks ago, when they put it to me that my then-OH was a controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive man. Oh no, perhaps I've painted him as worse than he is. He can be really nice sometimes, you know. In between being nasty, he can be extra nice.

As duckeggblue says, and as the Samaritans lady told me, the niceness is part of the abuse and manipulation.

I was suffering domestic abuse, but didn't even realise it.

Like you, I'm not perfect, but I never abused or manipulated or controlled my OH. I'm normal. He's not.

Thankfully, he is now my ex.