Existing, not living (Life)

LannieDuck

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

No there's nothing like that in the divorce process, he has manufactured a situation now where I am scared to stop him coming in, as I would not be able to pay the bills without his maintenance (which he pays and always has, but it's 2 days wages for him).

He has me believing, and I really do, that I could not live without his help, which has to be begged for, and he is obviously passive aggressive, very hard to press his buttons and get any of his thoughts, always was. I am 48 and truly believe my life is over. Have also put on weight and find it impossible to lose.

I agree with Tay. Make a separate post and see whether the MSEers reckon you'll be able to cope without his maintenance. I'll bet you can.

tayforth

SlimmingSusan - if you start a new thread you'll get lots of good advice xx

justme111

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

No there's nothing like that in the divorce process, he has manufactured a situation now where I am scared to stop him coming in, as I would not be able to pay the bills without his maintenance (which he pays and always has, but it's 2 days wages for him).

He has me believing, and I really do, that I could not live without his help, which has to be begged for, and he is obviously passive aggressive, very hard to press his buttons and get any of his thoughts, always was. I am 48 and truly believe my life is over. Have also put on weight and find it impossible to lose.[/
I thought it must be a wind up. Either he HAS TO pay you maintenance and will go to court and be made to do so if he does not pay or he does not have to pay you maintenance and if he does not then you either budget without his maintenance or chose to accept money from him in exchange to whatever .

suburbanwifey

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Thing is, hating her, then not caring about her is probably exactly what your father wanted you to do.

You are so right, took me many years of studying psychology to figure out what was wrong with both of them LOL

tayforth

justme111 - probably best if you do stop commenting on 'threads like this', your comment above was a little abrupt and Susan deserves support xx

paulineb_2

justme111 wrote: »

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

No there's nothing like that in the divorce process, he has manufactured a situation now where I am scared to stop him coming in, as I would not be able to pay the bills without his maintenance (which he pays and always has, but it's 2 days wages for him).

He has me believing, and I really do, that I could not live without his help, which has to be begged for, and he is obviously passive aggressive, very hard to press his buttons and get any of his thoughts, always was. I am 48 and truly believe my life is over. Have also put on weight and find it impossible to lose.[/
I thought it must be a wind up. Either he HAS TO pay you maintenance and will go to court and be made to do so if he does not pay or he does not have to pay you maintenance and if he does not then you either budget without his maintenance or chose to accept money from him in exchange to whatever .

Sometimes its not that simple. A family friend of mine has split up with her partner, 2 kids, hes wealthy, very wealthy (millionaire). Hes gone off sick at work to reduce what income he has coming in, hes self employed, shes had 2 payments in the last 6 months.

She also tried to make a claim for income support and was told she cant because she has assets, they have 3 properties, but she cant get access to them at the moment and shes also fleeing violence and it wouldnt be safe for her to be there.

Sometimes what people are living through isnt just as simple as someone having to pay maintenance, many people try their best to avoid paying anything and some I am afraid get away with it.

justme111

tayforth wrote: »

justme111 - probably best if you do stop commenting on 'threads like this', your comment above was a little abrupt and Susan deserves support xx

Edited . Yes , I will shut up , it all sounds too ill .

ceebeeby

Mojisola wrote: »

Have you spoken to Women's Aid yet? Just starting the process doesn't mean you have to walk out tomorrow - but not starting it at all isn't an option now you're finally seeing him for what he is.

Not yet mojisola. I will do on Monday, from work x

busiscoming2 wrote: »

You say your youngest idolises him but she is old enough to see what he is really like even if she loves him unconditionally. Do you ever speak about him to her and see how she really feels? You may be surprised.

Yes, we do speak about it privately. It's not right but I deploy shielding mechanisms so they only see a small part of it. They are incredible girls who luckily dont display any of the behaviours mentioned above. They are my whole reason for being.

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

I now feel like I live in an expensive prison of my own making.

This so resonated with me, I am in a similar position, but am actually divorced after 23 years married.

I really feel what you are saying.

SlimmingSusan, one of the many things I've learnt this week, and am hugely grateful for, is the knowledge that we're not alone. For years I thought it was me. Lets help each other get through this toxic time (((big hugs)))

duckeggblue

suburbanwifey wrote: »

I agree with the above poster ... to the OP:

I could tell you a lot about narcissistic fathers, I had one. He did some terrible and said some terrible things to me (in front of my mother and behind her back) and I witnessed so much in my childhood, I fled when I was 17 and could get away and have never spoken to either of them since. The odd thing is, the one I hated for so many years (now I feel nothing, not even hate as hate was an emotion they were not worthy of from me) was my mother, I hated her for not protecting me nor removing me from him. Don't let your daughter be either verbally abused or physically abused by her father, she will never forgive you. I'd get him out by the way, no way would I tolerate any of what you are tolerating. There is always a way to get someone out, find one and get rid of him before he totally destroys you and your daughter.

Hugs. Excellent post, your feelings really come across. In defence of some mothers , abuse makes you ill, you don't realise you are being abused, its like fog you cant see out of, get out-of.Yet as a child , and now an adult, you looked to her to protect you. X my ex was verging towards narcissism, they are truly scary and terrifying personalities, so damaged, so heartless. Bless you, I hope you have support.

duckeggblue

Slimmingsusan (( hugs))