Existing, not living (Life)

tayforth

julliff wrote: »

This comment made me cry. I am sure that you had a very difficult childhood, but I don't think this is very constructive to the OP in her current situation. I can't help but feel for your Mum.

I was married to a complete narcissist, and finally found the strength to walk away (with A LOT of support from the people on this site). The thing is, when you are in the middle of it all, you cannot make sense of what is going on... the abuser takes away all of your confidence, and you don't know what is real anymore.

I thought I was doing the right thing for my girls by staying in the marriage. I did not want to be the one who broke the family up. In the end I realised that it was causing more damage to my children by keeping the family together. I was terrified that the children would choose their Dad over me, even though he is a complete narcissist. He can make people feel so sorry for him.

Well, I did make that break, and guess what? The girls stayed with me. They see their Dad when they want to, but always know that they can get away from him. My biggest regret is that I did not leave sooner, and so my children had to suffer that environment for such a long time. But I can't change that. I still sometimes find heartbreaking notes that the young versions of my kids sent to their Dad for some "misdemeanor" such as not offering him some of theur dinner.-- begging for his forgiveness. Why did I let that happen? Truth is, I was afraid. I thought I would make it worse, or my kids would abandon me.

OP -- continue to be the lovely Mum you are, they will understand, and they will not abandon you. You can give your kids all the stability and calm they need and want.

I wish you all the luck in the world. (and sorry for the rambling)

((((Hugs))))


You definitely did the right thing. Your daughters understand that you've only ever tried to do your best by them. And WELL DONE for eventually finding the strength to walk away xx

SlimmingSusan

I now feel like I live in an expensive prison of my own making.

This so resonated with me, I am in a similar position, but am actually divorced after 23 years married.

I got the equity, but have sunk into deep depression. It has all been too much. DD is nearly 20 and lives with me (just finished 2nd year uni), son is older and has his own place. I still live in family home and his name is still on the mortgage, but he comes in here, eats, uses my tv, living room, so I go elsewhere, treats me with disdain, but I am powerless to stop it and move on.

I really feel what you are saying.

tayforth

ceebeeby - there is a lot of great advice and support on this thread. Contacting Women's Aid would be a good idea - they won't pressure you into leaving right now, but they will offer practical advice and a sympathetic ear. Being prepared is always good! I'm going to contact them myself as I have a feeling that my ex will try to make life difficult when I file for divorce.

I have been following your story all along and I want to reassure you that you will find the right time to leave. And when you do, you will be SO glad.

Keep us posted xxx

tayforth

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

I now feel like I live in an expensive prison of my own making.

This so resonated with me, I am in a similar position, but am actually divorced after 23 years married.

I got the equity, but have sunk into deep depression. It has all been too much. DD is nearly 20 and lives with me (just finished 2nd year uni), son is older and has his own place. I still live in family home and his name is still on the mortgage, but he comes in here, eats, uses my tv, living room, so I go elsewhere, treats me with disdain, but I am powerless to stop it and move on.

I really feel what you are saying.

I'm confused. You're divorced but he still comes into the house? How often?

SlimmingSusan

julliff wrote: »

This comment made me cry. I am sure that you had a very difficult childhood, but I don't think this is very constructive to the OP in her current situation. I can't help but feel for your Mum.

I was married to a complete narcissist, and finally found the strength to walk away (with A LOT of support from the people on this site). The thing is, when you are in the middle of it all, you cannot make sense of what is going on... the abuser takes away all of your confidence, and you don't know what is real anymore.



Again, exactly how it is for me, I've been referred to secondary mental health services as it is as if I've been worn down so much, my intelligent brain tells me one thing but his manipulation always makes me doubt myself.

Have women's aid worker, but all she really does not help.

SlimmingSusan

tayforth wrote: »

I'm confused. You're divorced but he still comes into the house? How often?

Every day after work, then goes back to his dad's to sleep, and when he can be bothered to turn up at weekends, I am so low that I don't know what is real anymore. I am confused, have tried to complain about solicitor, or get advice, but it seems he has stuffed me like he always said he would. If I try to stand up for myself he then gets my daughter and starts talking about me like I'm not there

tayforth

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

Every day after work, then goes back to his dad's to sleep, and when he can be bothered to turn up at weekends, I am so low that I don't know what is real anymore. I am confused, have tried to complain about solicitor, or get advice, but it seems he has stuffed me like he always said he would. If I try to stand up for myself he then gets my daughter and starts talking about me like I'm not there

But why is he still allowed in the house? Was it agreed during the divorce? Sorry if I'm being daft, I'm not that knowledgeable about this sort of thing xxx

SlimmingSusan

tayforth wrote: »

But why is he still allowed in the house? Was it agreed during the divorce? Sorry if I'm being daft, I'm not that knowledgeable about this sort of thing xxx

No there's nothing like that in the divorce process, he has manufactured a situation now where I am scared to stop him coming in, as I would not be able to pay the bills without his maintenance (which he pays and always has, but it's 2 days wages for him).

He has me believing, and I really do, that I could not live without his help, which has to be begged for, and he is obviously passive aggressive, very hard to press his buttons and get any of his thoughts, always was. I am 48 and truly believe my life is over. Have also put on weight and find it impossible to lose.

tayforth

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

No there's nothing like that in the divorce process, he has manufactured a situation now where I am scared to stop him coming in, as I would not be able to pay the bills without his maintenance (which he pays and always has, but it's 2 days wages for him).

He has me believing, and I really do, that I could not live without his help, which has to be begged for, and he is obviously passive aggressive, very hard to press his buttons and get any of his thoughts, always was. I am 48 and truly believe my life is over. Have also put on weight and find it impossible to lose.

I can't believe that anyone could be in such a situation. My heart goes out to you, and I hope that someone will be along with practical advice. Perhaps you could start a thread so that this won't be buried in ceebeeby's thread ? Hugs xxxxx

paulineb_2

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

I now feel like I live in an expensive prison of my own making.

This so resonated with me, I am in a similar position, but am actually divorced after 23 years married.

I got the equity, but have sunk into deep depression. It has all been too much. DD is nearly 20 and lives with me (just finished 2nd year uni), son is older and has his own place. I still live in family home and his name is still on the mortgage, but he comes in here, eats, uses my tv, living room, so I go elsewhere, treats me with disdain, but I am powerless to stop it and move on.

I really feel what you are saying.

You arent powerless to stop it and move on,you can get an order to prevent him coming anywhere near you. You have to make some choices.

So basically he is saying that if you dont allow him free reign of the house, he'll stop paying for the kids.

Legal advice, get some. But get him away from you, change the locks.

No it cant be easy dealing with it, but who wants to live like this?