Existing, not living (Life)

tesuhoha

Forgive me for butting in here but in your first post you say you are separated. Surely if you are separated you should not be doing any domestic chores whatsoever for him. You should have ground rules and should not allow him to disrespect you.

What is worse your values seem to be mixed up and confused. In one post you say he is still Dad but this is shortly after he has verbally abused his daughter(s) at dinnertime and removed family photos. What kind of Dad does that? Sounds like evil Dad to me. Can't you see he's abusing your children, not just you.

Sorry if I am a bit harsh but this seems glaringly obvious and I can't understand your reluctance to get away from this malevolent influence in your and your children's lives.

duckeggblue

How dare he speak to you like that.

tesuhoha

duckeggblue wrote: »

How dare he speak to you like that.

And how dare he make derogatory remarks about your daughter, your precious daughter.

ceebeeby

Arghhhh, I hear you all and I am listening. It's giving me the strength to go on. I want the quickest way out of this mess and I don't think thats dealing in BR by myself whilst recovering from 'this' and the PTSD if I bail out without trying it the 'normal' way, even if life isn't normal. When I go I will then have girls (possibly), but no one else, so I need as minimal after mess as possible.

I am listening though!!

Heffi1

If you want to understand how it may be affecting your children, have a read of this. It is quite large, but I think explains things very well. taken from http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220002&itemTitle=Children

"At least 750,000 children a year witness domestic violence. Nearly three quarters of children on the 'at risk' register live in households where domestic violence occurs" (Dept. of Health, 2002)


In 40 - 70% of cases where women are being abused, the children are also being directly abused themselves (Stark and Flitcraft,1996; Bowker et al., 1998.)


How are children affected by domestic violence ?
The majority of children witness the violence that is occurring, and in 90% of cases they are in the same or next room (Hughes, 1992). Children can 'witness' domestic violence in many different ways. For example, they may get caught in the middle of an incident in an effort to make the violence stop. They may be in the room next door and hear the abuse or see their mother's physical injuries following an incident of violence. They may be forced to stay in one room or may not be allowed to play. They may be forced to witness sexual abuse or they may be forced to take part in verbally abusing the victim. All children witnessing domestic violence are being emotionally abused.



Are the effects the same for every child?

Children can experience both short and long term cognitive, behavioural and emotional effects as a result of witnessing domestic abuse. Each child will respond differently to trauma and some may be resilient and not exhibit any negative effects.

Children's responses to the trauma of witnessing DV may vary according to a multitude of factors including, but not limited to, age, race, sex and stage of development. It is equally important to remember that these responses may also be caused by something other than witnessing domestic violence, and therefore a thorough assessment of a child's situation is vital.

Children are individuals and may respond to witnessing abuse in different ways. These are some of the effects described in a briefing by the Royal College of Psychiatrists (2004):

They may become anxious or depressed
They may have difficulty sleeping
They have nightmares or flashbacks
They can be easily startled
They may complain of physical symptoms such as tummy aches
They may start to wet their bed
They may have temper tantrums
They may behave as though they are much younger than they are
They may have problems with school
They may become aggressive or they may internalise their distress and withdraw from other people
They may have a lowered sense of self-worth
Older children may begin to play truant or start to use alcohol or drugs
They may begin to self-harm by taking overdoses or cutting themselves
They may have an eating disorder
Children may also feel angry, guilty, insecure, alone, frightened, powerless or confused. They may have ambivalent feelings towards both the abuser and the non-abusing parent.

What's the legal definition of a child "at risk" in relation to domestic violence?

Children living in households where domestic violence is happening are now identified as "at risk" under the Adoption and Children Act 2002. From 31 January 2005, Section 120 of this act extended the legal definition of harming children to include harm suffered by seeing or hearing ill treatment of others. This would include witnessing domestic abuse

From 31 January 2005, Section 120 of the Adoption and Children Act 2002 came into force, which extends the legal definition of harming children to include harm suffered by seeing or hearing ill treatment of others, especially in the home. See a complete overview of protection from domestic violence under civil law.



Do children grow up to be abusers and/or victims?

The 'cycle of violence' otherwise known as the 'intergenerational theory' is often referred to when considering the effects of domestic violence on children; however research findings are inconsistent, and there is no automatic cause and effect relationship.

We believe that this theory is disempowering and ineffective when working with children. A boy who has witnessed domestic violence does not have to grow up to be an abuser and a girl does not have to become a victim of domestic violence later in life. Educational programmes focusing on healthy relationships, and challenging gender inequality, sexual stereotyping, and domestic violence, should be integrated with work on anti-bullying and conflict resolution as a mandatory part of the PHSE curriculum in all schools. These would act as important preventive measures.



Abuse through child contact

Unfortunately, even after separating from their abusers, many mothers find it extremely difficult to protect their children from ongoing abuse as a result of their requirement to comply with contact orders made by the family courts. Women's Aid supports a child's right to safe contact, but recognises that contact with an abusing parent may not always be in a child's best interest.

suburbanwifey

tesuhoha wrote: »

And how dare he make derogatory remarks about your daughter, your precious daughter.

I agree with the above poster ... to the OP:

I could tell you a lot about narcissistic fathers, I had one. He did some terrible and said some terrible things to me (in front of my mother and behind her back) and I witnessed so much in my childhood, I fled when I was 17 and could get away and have never spoken to either of them since. The odd thing is, the one I hated for so many years (now I feel nothing, not even hate as hate was an emotion they were not worthy of from me) was my mother, I hated her for not protecting me nor removing me from him. Don't let your daughter be either verbally abused or physically abused by her father, she will never forgive you. I'd get him out by the way, no way would I tolerate any of what you are tolerating. There is always a way to get someone out, find one and get rid of him before he totally destroys you and your daughter.

Mojisola

ceebeeby wrote: »

Arghhhh, I hear you all and I am listening. It's giving me the strength to go on. I want the quickest way out of this mess and I don't think thats dealing in BR by myself whilst recovering from 'this' and the PTSD if I bail out without trying it the 'normal' way, even if life isn't normal. When I go I will then have girls (possibly), but no one else, so I need as minimal after mess as possible.

I am listening though!!

Have you spoken to Women's Aid yet? Just starting the process doesn't mean you have to walk out tomorrow - but not starting it at all isn't an option now you're finally seeing him for what he is.

busiscoming2

You say your youngest idolises him but she is old enough to see what he is really like even if she loves him unconditionally. Do you ever speak about him to her and see how she really feels? You may be surprised.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

suburbanwifey wrote: »

I agree with the above poster ... to the OP:

I could tell you a lot about narcissistic fathers, I had one. He did some terrible and said some terrible things to me (in front of my mother and behind her back) and I witnessed so much in my childhood, I fled when I was 17 and could get away and have never spoken to either of them since. The odd thing is, the one I hated for so many years (now I feel nothing, not even hate as hate was an emotion they were not worthy of from me) was my mother, I hated her for not protecting me nor removing me from him. Don't let your daughter be either verbally abused or physically abused by her father, she will never forgive you. I'd get him out by the way, no way would I tolerate any of what you are tolerating. There is always a way to get someone out, find one and get rid of him before he totally destroys you and your daughter.

Thing is, hating her, then not caring about her is probably exactly what your father wanted you to do.

julliff

suburbanwifey wrote: »

I agree with the above poster ... to the OP:

I could tell you a lot about narcissistic fathers, I had one. He did some terrible and said some terrible things to me (in front of my mother and behind her back) and I witnessed so much in my childhood, I fled when I was 17 and could get away and have never spoken to either of them since. The odd thing is, the one I hated for so many years (now I feel nothing, not even hate as hate was an emotion they were not worthy of from me) was my mother, I hated her for not protecting me nor removing me from him. Don't let your daughter be either verbally abused or physically abused by her father, she will never forgive you. I'd get him out by the way, no way would I tolerate any of what you are tolerating. There is always a way to get someone out, find one and get rid of him before he totally destroys you and your daughter.

This comment made me cry. I am sure that you had a very difficult childhood, but I don't think this is very constructive to the OP in her current situation. I can't help but feel for your Mum.

I was married to a complete narcissist, and finally found the strength to walk away (with A LOT of support from the people on this site). The thing is, when you are in the middle of it all, you cannot make sense of what is going on... the abuser takes away all of your confidence, and you don't know what is real anymore.

I thought I was doing the right thing for my girls by staying in the marriage. I did not want to be the one who broke the family up. In the end I realised that it was causing more damage to my children by keeping the family together. I was terrified that the children would choose their Dad over me, even though he is a complete narcissist. He can make people feel so sorry for him.

Well, I did make that break, and guess what? The girls stayed with me. They see their Dad when they want to, but always know that they can get away from him. My biggest regret is that I did not leave sooner, and so my children had to suffer that environment for such a long time. But I can't change that. I still sometimes find heartbreaking notes that the young versions of my kids sent to their Dad for some "misdemeanor" such as not offering him some of theur dinner.-- begging for his forgiveness. Why did I let that happen? Truth is, I was afraid. I thought I would make it worse, or my kids would abandon me.

OP -- continue to be the lovely Mum you are, they will understand, and they will not abandon you. You can give your kids all the stability and calm they need and want.

I wish you all the luck in the world. (and sorry for the rambling)