Existing, not living (Life)

[Deleted User]

Your not weak at all. Don't ever feel that you are. The time will come one day and that will be the day you leave. I did it after my youngest left school and was at college. Edited just to say, I am still dealing with parts of my past atm. Everyones different. I don't judge as i know how hard your life is atm. Take Care x

tattycath

ceebeeby wrote: »

Well, you were all right when you said the calm was before the storm. Tonight's tirade started within 2 minutes of being home, and was about the quality of the meal I was making (it was rubbish to be fair) so I calmly and very politely told him that I would happily let him choose an alternative or he could make his own.
Once he had shouted and sworn enough that the whole street knows how utterly useless, fat, ugly, hopeless and what a bully I am, I then calmly told him I absolved myself of any further food involvement with him - that then resulted in more shouting and swearing (dd had by now removed herself from the room) and yes, I'm still an effin c in case I'd forgotten.
I then made the mistake of engaging in conversation - he told me how rubbish I was and eldest dd was, and I refused to agree, but instead told him he was being abusive and it was damaging and upsetting youngest dd, but not hurting me as I'm beyond that now.
His usual retort is to say ask anyone, who else would put up with a lazy fat useless slob, go on, ask ... What other man in there right mind would ever look at you!
Wow, WW here I come (I'm a size 16 which isn't as trim as I'd like to be).
Few more expletives involved, but I never raised my voice, or got upset, shouted or swore (I hate swearing, that's why he does it) but I think that just made him angrier.
As I'd already made dinner by, this time, I left his on the side and dd and I sat at the table together. What a terrible start to the weekend!
Anyway, he never came for dinner, and by the time I walked upstairs all the family photos had been removed from downstairs. I don't know if he's binned them - probably, that's his style.
How sad

Been there done that. To hear my ex talk, I was all the things your nearly ex has told you. My ex even said I was gutter level, After several years of physical violence and three years of mental cruelty I left him. He had me followed and made abusive phone calls to the point of harassment. A strong word from a police officer stopped him in his tracks as it would have wrecked his career if it had gone to court.
Despite everything I am now happily married to a wonderful guy and my children are well adjusted-they were both under 6 when we left.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel-it's just that sometimes the tunnel is longer than we would like.
Keep going and you will get there. I was at rock bottom when I left my ex. Had no self esteem etc. once you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up. I'm happier than I have ever been in a long time-I'm sure you will be too.
I can't say the road was easy. I had 6 years as a single parent and ere we're times when I thought I was destined to be alone. The thing is you never know what's round the corner. Try to keep your chin up. (((Hugs)))

paulineb_2

ceebeeby wrote: »

Thanks for all comments, they're all appreciated.
Imdoingitforme - this has been going on for years, its not as simple as walking out, I wish it were - but I admire your conviction that this is what you would do. Both girls are mid exams, explanation, not excuse. I'm weaker than you, but am gaining strength every day
Justme - you're right. Whatever the faults of his awful behaviour towards me, he is still Dad, and I want the girls to have a forever relationship with him (on their terms if necessary). I still think there is a way to try to keep this amicable until we are in two separate houses, and with the amazing support of people on this thread, I can already see solutions to make that happen sooner rather than later.

I dont believe, given the behaviour hes displayed so far, that theres ever going to be anything amicable

Your kids can still have a relationship with him after you split

Seriously, hes abusing you and you are talking about amicable?

I understand, I absolutely understand what some people are like and how people can get into relationships that are toxic

But for gods sake, he is calling all the shots and you are his whipping person.

You deserve better, forget the debt, forget the kids and who wants to keep a relationship with him, they can still have a relationship with him after you leave

And who cares in the end whether its you or he who goes and who gets the blame

You are being seriously abused, day in and day out. Would you want this for any of your kids, your friends, your family?

I'll say it again, you deserve better, no excuses, dont make any for him.

IF he stays and you want to work through this mess, ask him if he will go and get some help for his anger issues, because he clearly has them.

If he wont, prepare yourself for another 4 years of living in a horrible, toxic situation.

Dont make excuses for him, there are no excuses, we are all responsible for our actions. No one is put on this earth to be abused, ridiculed, made to feel small.

If you stay, just be prepared for years of misery, because as long as he gets away with treating you like this, he wont change

Thats the reality of it all.

duckeggblue

That is truly terrible abuse, the name calling, just awful. I don't now how you have put up with this. How can this be amicable. I am worried for you.Your children are hearing this- get out asap.What does your daughter think about him calling you fat for example. Will she think this is how marriages are, and that this is what married life is about?

duckeggblue

Our post crossed. Same thoughts though.

paulineb_2

There is always an element of denial when people are being abused. You want to make things right, you cant believe someone who says they love you or did, can behave like that and it can take a long time for the penny to drop and realise someone is abusing you.

But seriously, if you dont get out, all you are doing is wasting years of your life with a bully and an abuser who has ground you down to the point where you feel you cant be with anyone else, or even on your own.

Ive been there, as I said before, I didnt live with them, but I have been there and so have so many people out there.

Your kids exams, then it will be something else, then something else.

You need to get away from this situation before it destroys any bit of any self esteem or worth you have left

And you can get away from it, there is always a way, it has gone way past amicable.

Someone who regularly abuses you isnt going to be friendly towards you

duckeggblue

Oh my god ceebeeby , walking on eggshells, stomach churning, afraid of the shouting, just as afraid of the silences? I've been there. PLease please think about the long term effect on your kids, be strong, be the adult who can change this,get yourself and them out. Speak to womens aid.You can do it.

tattycath

paulineb wrote: »

There is always an element of denial when people are being abused. You want to make things right, you cant believe someone who says they love you or did, can behave like that and it can take a long time for the penny to drop and realise someone is abusing you.

But seriously, if you dont get out, all you are doing is wasting years of your life with a bully and an abuser who has ground you down to the point where you feel you cant be with anyone else, or even on your own.

Ive been there, as I said before, I didnt live with them, but I have been there and so have so many people out there.

Your kids exams, then it will be something else, then something else.

You need to get away from this situation before it destroys any bit of any self esteem or worth you have left

And you can get away from it, there is always a way, it has gone way past amicable.

Someone who regularly abuses you isnt going to be friendly towards you

Totally agree with this. I made so many excuses, thought we should stay together for the kids, then I just had to leave for my own sanity and it wasn't fair on the kids. They were obviously suffering from all the arguments and dysfunctionality (is that even a word-lol) of family life.

paulineb_2

Dont make excuses for him or anything he is doing, dont use the kids as an excuse to stay, your kids are probably utterly miserable, why wouldnt they be, they are witnessing him abusing you day in and day out.

Get advice, get some counselling and get out. There is no salvaging this, you cannot live in the same house with someone who repeatedly verbally abuses you in front of your kids and yet expects you to make his bloody sandwiches.

You dont have doormat written on your head, get some strength from somewhere, speak to people, your GP, counsellors, anyone who is trained and who doesnt know you and him personally.

And get the hell out, this will never improve and every day you spend with this person is a day of your life you wont ever get back.

This relationship is over, you know it, he knows it, get out as soon as you can and dont make any excuses for anything he does. He knows exactly what hes doing, get out and leave him to it.

duckeggblue

In your first post you say it's manageable. AFter reading your last post, my love, do you really think its your role to manage this type of behaviour, because you will NEVER EVER manage an abuser, he will manipulate you every step. Hun, good night, we are all behind you.