Existing, not living (Life)

tayforth

paulineb wrote: »

Abusive relationships are complex. And its the complexity that makes them harder to get out of. Some people arent even nice/nasty/nice/nasty, some people just are plain nasty, but its not always like that in the beginning and when people pick on you, for everything and anything you get to the point where you actually cant think straight because youve been told over and over how awful, fat, useless you are etc etc etc.

One of my exes was told on numerous occasions to get his act together and would do just enough to keep things ticking over, but I got to the stage where I resented him. I didnt love him, I didnt like him, I didnt want to have a physical relationship with him.

I couldnt pretend. He absolutely killed any feelings I ever had for him. Its not that easy when you are living with someone and its even tougher when there are kids involved.

I would suspect if anyone on the fringes of these two peoples lives met and knew both of these exes, they would say things like, kind, lovely, nice, great person.

And yes, Ive been in relationships where everything is my fault, everything, where someone has nothing positive to say about me.

But on the whole, I have peace of mind, you absolutely cant put a price on that. I eat what I want when I want, I can get highlights in my hair if I want to, I dont get criticised for the way I dress, or my weight or whether I wash bloody dishes in the right way, or whether Ive broken someones washing machine (I didnt, but I got the blame)

You dont need to make steps to get out today, but get advice soon.
Tonight I taught 2 fitness classes and if I had been with my last ex I would have been told it was a waste of money training, that Id never pass, that Id be useless at it. In fact I wouldnt have had the confidence to do anything I really wanted to do that mattered to me, because Id just have had all these lectures ringing in my ear.

Let the future take care of itself for now. People who abuse others are damaged people, I wish I knew why, but I dont, but all I do know is that I'll never ever have another relationship like that as long as I live.

I have experienced all of the above too. My ex killed my feelings, bit by bit, little by little, until there was NOTHING left - that's why I have no regrets whatsoever about ending it. I did my grieving for our relationship while I was still in it.

My life is my own now. And, like Pauline, I am 100 times happier than I was before. :j

MrsAtobe

ceebeeby wrote: »

No. I have no meaningful relationship with her and am happy for her to stay oblivious to whatever is happening in my life - it's much less of a drama. When she's around, everything has to be about "her" and that becomes exhausting, very quickly. Hence why I have nothing to do with her.

((((Hugs)))), sounds like you have more than one dysfunctional relationship to cope with. When you've finished googling gas lighting, have a look on here for the narcissistic mother thread, it may ring a few bells for you (it did for me). I can understand why you don't want anything to do with her at the moment, but as you get stronger, and get your self-confidence back (and that will happen, trust me on this), you will want to get the situation sorted to your benefit.

ceebeeby

MrsAtobe wrote: »

have a look on here for the narcissistic mother thread, it may ring a few bells for you (it did for me).

I posted in it! I do seem to attract them don't I!:o

Morning all, here goes another day! Thank you for your supportive words overnight.

spirit

ceebeeby wrote: »

No. I have no meaningful relationship with her and am happy for her to stay oblivious to whatever is happening in my life - it's much less of a drama. When she's around, everything has to be about "her" and that becomes exhausting, very quickly. Hence why I have nothing to do with her.

I wonder if you too have a narissistic mother too? There is a thread on here called I don't like my mother, which is an illuminating read. I'll link it if you are interested.

oops, should have read to the end of the thread before posting!

ceebeeby

spirit wrote: »

I wonder if you too have a narissistic mother too? QUOTE]

I do!

- - - - - - - - - - - -

I wonder if now is a good time to drop into the mixing bowl that I'm also recovering from PTSD following a traumatic event at the beginning of the year. None of the other players in this thread so far (OH, Mother, Children etc.) know anything about it.

Only GP, counsellor and my boss (it happened at work) are aware. The only reason for mentioning this, is that I now deliberately avoid situations that I either think or know will make me anxious. Perhaps that's now me being over dramatic, because I genuinely am almost fully recovered.

I really am an almost hopeless case aren't I? As a result, it means I now procrastinate if it there is an avoidable confrontational situation arising, especially if one of the other 'life issues' is currently on the stage.

I'm probably going to make you run a mile if I carry on like this. I think that's (nearly) everything

Mojisola

ceebeeby wrote: »

I wonder if now is a good time to drop into the mixing bowl that I'm also recovering from PTSD following a traumatic event at the beginning of the year. None of the other players in this thread so far (OH, Mother, Children etc.) know anything about it.

Only GP, counsellor and my boss (it happened at work) are aware. The only reason for mentioning this, is that I now deliberately avoid situations that I either think or know will make me anxious. Perhaps that's now me being over dramatic, because I genuinely am almost fully recovered.

I really am an almost hopeless case aren't I? As a result, it means I now procrastinate if it there is an avoidable confrontational situation arising, especially if one of the other 'life issues' is currently on the stage.

I'm probably going to make you run a mile if I carry on like this. I think that's (nearly) everything

I think this is a self-preservation technique - a person can only cope with just so much at one time and it sounds like you've had more than your fair share to deal with.

Spread the load on here - plenty of people will support and advise you. I know it can sound trite but the old saying of "A trouble shared is a trouble halved" does have some truth in it.

paulineb_2

ceebeeby wrote: »

spirit wrote: »

I wonder if you too have a narissistic mother too? QUOTE]

I do!

- - - - - - - - - - - -

I wonder if now is a good time to drop into the mixing bowl that I'm also recovering from PTSD following a traumatic event at the beginning of the year. None of the other players in this thread so far (OH, Mother, Children etc.) know anything about it.

Only GP, counsellor and my boss (it happened at work) are aware. The only reason for mentioning this, is that I now deliberately avoid situations that I either think or know will make me anxious. Perhaps that's now me being over dramatic, because I genuinely am almost fully recovered.

I really am an almost hopeless case aren't I? As a result, it means I now procrastinate if it there is an avoidable confrontational situation arising, especially if one of the other 'life issues' is currently on the stage.

I'm probably going to make you run a mile if I carry on like this. I think that's (nearly) everything

People get PTSD, it happens, I have a relative who was diagnosed due to 20 plus years of bullying in the workplace and her employer had to pay for her to see psychologists to deal with the issues that they in fact caused.

That doesnt make you a hopeless case, it makes you human. Ive spoken about this on another thread, I also suffered from work related stress and bullying for 15 years, changed jobs several times, in the end I got out and changed career but last year I ended up encountering another bully manager and it had quite a significant effect on my health, that and some other life things.

I know exactly what its like to be dealing with stuff that triggers past events. For me its being personally attacked, be that in emails, letters, because Ive had all of that so many times. For a long time I couldnt open mail or emails, because when youve been abused so badly it takes time to get on an even keel

However, people can and do recover from PTSD or at least work through it to the stage where they might get a horrible event that triggers stuff and they deal with it. My relative went through a really challenging time again last year and it was worse than everything they had been through in the past and could have had terrible consequences, but they coped with it and were able to battle on and sometimes thats all you can do. I dont understand what you are going through but lets put it this way, the confrontation is happening at home anyway. You are walking on eggshells due to your partners temper, you never know when hes going to be nice or nasty, he treats you like dirt and yes if you tell him you are leaving all hell might break loose and you might have a tough time for a while

But the alternative is staying in this toxic mess for another 4 years.

I dont know what kind of counselling you are getting but if its not cognitive behavioural therapy have a look and see what its about, even if its just to buy a book on it. It works in the way where we replace negative thoughts with positive ones and that might sound cheesy but its used in a lot of different ways. And sometimes when people are abused they think so little of themselves that they apologise for everything they say and do and think they are worthless. When they arent.

You need to get to a place where you try and reclaim the power this person has over you and get the hell away from him, for your sake and your kids.

ceebeeby

I should just clarify that the 'trigger' was a single serious traumatic event. My work arranged the counselling.

duckeggblue

When you said you can't invite friends round because his behaviour would upset them-do you realise that its him who has isolated you from your friends. He's made it impossible for you to have much contact. Isolation , that is another thing abusers do.

lizzie157

This sounds a lot like my situation except I still have to sleep in the same bed because of lack of room,
have thought about sleeping on sofa but as he stays up til about 3 n the morning it's not really an option. My children are teenagers but younger than yours (the ones still living with us), they know I'm not happybut I try to make life as normal as pssible for the majority of the time. Unfortunately we are in social housing and both unemployed so financially my options are very limited. i now do recognize that it's him not me. I like you am by no means perfect ( I can shout and swear too) but I mostly don't anymore because of the effect in the house and also because I know in my heart what he says isn't true so I can't be bothered anymore. he's said all the usual ' no one else will want you' you're not normal' . Friends have always got things wrong with them and if he doesn't like them he makes it uncomfortable when they come so I only have a couple of friends now who I see very little of. (some of this is financial though- you become excluded from society when you have no money). All this and yet still at the back of your mind ther's this niggling voice wondering if it IS you not him isn't there. I identify completely it's so overwhelming you don't know where to start. I've decided to start by trying to make a life for myself outside the home first. I'm doing an OU degree, am going to volunteer, and am in the process of trying to start a small business. All of this is met with as much negativity as he can muster which try as i may not to let it sometimes rubs off - it may take me longer than the average person but I'm determined not to let him put me off.