Existing, not living (Life)

paulineb_2

ceebeeby wrote: »

Well, you were all right when you said the calm was before the storm. Tonight's tirade started within 2 minutes of being home, and was about the quality of the meal I was making (it was rubbish to be fair) so I calmly and very politely told him that I would happily let him choose an alternative or he could make his own.
Once he had shouted and sworn enough that the whole street knows how utterly useless, fat, ugly, hopeless and what a bully I am, I then calmly told him I absolved myself of any further food involvement with him - that then resulted in more shouting and swearing (dd had by now removed herself from the room) and yes, I'm still an effin c in case I'd forgotten.
I then made the mistake of engaging in conversation - he told me how rubbish I was and eldest dd was, and I refused to agree, but instead told him he was being abusive and it was damaging and upsetting youngest dd, but not hurting me as I'm beyond that now.
His usual retort is to say ask anyone, who else would put up with a lazy fat useless slob, go on, ask ... What other man in there right mind would ever look at you!
Wow, WW here I come (I'm a size 16 which isn't as trim as I'd like to be).
Few more expletives involved, but I never raised my voice, or got upset, shouted or swore (I hate swearing, that's why he does it) but I think that just made him angrier.
As I'd already made dinner by, this time, I left his on the side and dd and I sat at the table together. What a terrible start to the weekend!
Anyway, he never came for dinner, and by the time I walked upstairs all the family photos had been removed from downstairs. I don't know if he's binned them - probably, that's his style.
How sad

You cant live like this for the next 4 years, its toxic and as I said before when people get abused they become desensitised to it, because thats their reality.

Ive had the whole worthless, fat, useless, all of it and it was easier for me to walk because I didnt have kids and wasnt living with the person, but you can get out of this. People can and people do. And they make new lives for themselves. Or they get the abuser out. I grew up in a family where my mums second husband was violent but she got him out, took her two years as there wasnt the support there is for women these days, he was also mentally abusive to her as well. I can remember my mum being broken, thats the only way I can describe it, but she recovered and as a family we moved on.

If you have somewhere else you and the kids can go even in the short term, go and worry about dividing up any assets later.

You cant live in misery like this, get on the phone at some point when hes not there and get referred to a domestic violence unit. You dont need to go to a shelter necessarily but there are projects that will provide support, a listening ear, counselling, help and advice to get a new home. Google, find somewhere near you and ring them and speak to them.

A family friend of ours is going through a break up and the relationship was toxic for a long time. Its not been plain sailing for her these last 6 months or so, but shes away from him and so are her kids and that is the main thing.

You cant live like this for years, it will damage you and it will damage the kids.

ceebeeby

RAS wrote: »

Oh and you said his pension fund is much bigger, is his salary higher? If so, why are you paying half the household expenses?

No, I earn more. He is 10 years older than me, but has a pension already plus a salary which makes our monthly income about equal.

Primrose

It 's hard for you because you have to take into account the needs/ emotions of your children too so maybe you have to find some outside hobbies or activities which enable you to have a personal life outside your home which makesnyiunfeel better about yourself until you can go your separate ways. Your local library may be a good source of information about local groups or activities. This may also enable you to build up a number of contacts which could leave you feeling less isolated until you have the chance to perhaps find a new partner or relationship.

ceebeeby

Primrose wrote: »

you have to find some outside hobbies or activities which enable you to have a personal life outside your home .

I am heavily involved in volunteering, alongside both DDs. It's our safe haven place, although the primary purpose is for us to give - we get as much, if not more, out of it.

ceebeeby

CH27 wrote: »

Please get out ASAP

I'm trying - but I'm going to walk, not run.

Because DDs are older, it's not as black and white as walking out into a shelter. Youngest DD idolises her Dad, for all his faults, and is desperately worried about him being alone. If I try to drag her away, I will lose her. Eldest DD would have to self declare - whilst its avoidable (she's away for the next week and missed tonight's tantrum) I'll keep it avoidable.

The storm has passed, the sorry has been said, and I remain as determined as ever to get out of here.

[Deleted User]

For every excuse you make, theres no chance you will leave. Please seek help to get out of this situation. You are doing more damage to yourself and your children to be in this emotionally abusive life. The more you stand up to this man, the more he will drag you down, and that's a place ive been too. I hit rock bottom and I look back now and wish I had got out earlier. You wont be homeless on the streets and you wont be destitute either. Hes got you exactly where he wants you, an easy life for him and hell for you.

justme111

Well people , if she leaves kids are going to stay put. They will not want to lose the comfort of family home and at least one of them may side with her dad.
On another hand , kids are pretty much grown up so would not /should not be leaving with parents anyway so no point in trying to prolong living together thing. Yet on another hand , while there are two budgets pooled in kids can have a standart of living they have now. Once the budgets go separate way kids standard of living is going to drop. So whoever splits is going to be seen as a villan

[Deleted User]

justme111 wrote: »

Well people , if she leaves kids are going to stay put. They will not want to lose the comfort of family home and at least one of them may side with her dad.
On another hand , kids are pretty much grown up so would not /should not be leaving with parents anyway so no point in trying to prolong living together thing. Yet on another hand , while there are two budgets pooled in kids can have a standart of living they have now. Once the budgets go separate way kids standard of living is going to drop. So whoever splits is going to be seen as a villan

Money wouldn't even come into it if it was me. Its the emotional well being of the children and myself which would come first.

justme111

If you read again what I written you will see I did not write "but op will be worse of financially". So not sure what are you repllyinng to.

ceebeeby

Thanks for all comments, they're all appreciated.
Imdoingitforme - this has been going on for years, its not as simple as walking out, I wish it were - but I admire your conviction that this is what you would do. Both girls are mid exams, explanation, not excuse. I'm weaker than you, but am gaining strength every day
Justme - you're right. Whatever the faults of his awful behaviour towards me, he is still Dad, and I want the girls to have a forever relationship with him (on their terms if necessary). I still think there is a way to try to keep this amicable until we are in two separate houses, and with the amazing support of people on this thread, I can already see solutions to make that happen sooner rather than later.